Fashion Editor, In Style Magazine $198

Bellerina plopped herself on my lap this evening, with the enormous In Style Spring Issue in hand and proceeded to announce "This is my favorite story".

As we browsed through she pointed out the "party dresses", the "beautiful white gowns", and the many, many ads where "She's getting naaaaked!"

As I showed her the short, orange dresses, and we discussed how aqua can in fact go with maroon, I was very careful to explain to her how probably 97% of the girls in the magazine have eating disorders (or at the least disordered eating), and how she has to develop her own personal sense of style without worrying about what these pesky fashion editors say!

Bellerina learned a very important lesson from her own personal fashion editor today:

Being fashionably fabulous is fun, but if it were the most important thing a woman could do Anna Wintour would have a smile on her face occasionally.

Campbell's soup worker $208

What? Tired of Campbell's tomato soup with your salad on a cold winter night?

Have no fear, the latest soup test kitchen employee has beat the schmatookas off of that condensed madness.

Even Bellerina, who has been on a 2 week hunger strike of Ghandian proportions ate it up like it was going out of style!

It's a wonder what chickpeas and a splash of vinegar can do to a soup!

Granted, it went absolutely everywhere because she insisted that she be allowed to "do it by ma-self".

Totally worth it though!

Escape Artist $103

There is no trap, or box, or set of handcuffs that Houdini was ever put in that were as hard to get out of as a living room with the watchful eye of a 21 month old.

I would attempt the underwater, ankles shackled, not a key in sight, with less fear than I typically have trying to navigate my way out of the living room when my daughter can somehow smell that I'm leaving.

It's like they have mama-dar. They don't look like they're always paying attention to you, but these kids know exactly where you are all the time, when you're approaching your coat, and if you're giving off the slightest "leaving" pheromone.

Granted 99% of the time she couldn't care less when she does notice that I'm gone, but there is the grand occasion when it results in a full fledged tantrum, and at that point I really feel worse for whoever is watching her than for her.

But I successfully retreated today, in to the land of shopping for bridesmaids dresses and lunch with the girls. It was glorious.

Massage Therapist $202

I will grant you that most massage therapists don't work at 5:15am.

Or maybe they do...but that's another job entirely.

I found myself rubbing Bellerina's back at 5:15am and chanting, "please go back to sleep, please go back to sleep".

We drove down to NJ on Thursday night so VERY early Friday morning I found myself trying to hush my daughter back to dreamland while she struggled with her desire to sleep and therefore be a semi-sane baby for the rest of the day, and her stronger desire to see her Mema.

She knew that somewhere beyond the door of the guest room there was a whole world of relatives who she hadn't seen since December.

My massage skills were only good enough to calm her down until 6:30.

Real Estate Agent $178

Every once in a while my husbando and I get the crazy idea that we're ready to sell our house.

Granted we're ALWAYS ready to sell our house because we are not in love with it to say the least.

However, it's our little corner of the world, and we've done a lot of work to it, so I guess there is a small sense of attachment. Plus it's Bellerina's house, like the only one she's known so far, where everything happens, and her adorable little room is.

But never the less we had a real estate agent come by the house today and take a look and give us a "what you might get for this money pit" estimate.

Of course she arrived approximately 7.3 seconds after Bellerina went down for her nap.

So we had perhaps the most silent house walk through ever. She literally tiptoed in to the bathroom to see the new features we put in, and we whispered animatedly about the wall we knocked down. All in all I think I did a good job selling our house to her at .5 decibels.

Professional Poker Player $250

The thing about professional gamblers is, a lot of them have superstitions, and for good reason.

While you and I might think it's insane to worry about what pocket your lucky penny is in, to the professional poker player it makes all the difference to their demeanor, and therefore his or her ability to win.

For example, right after you have discreetly mixed fish and tartar sauce in to your daughters risotto it would do you good to not look directly in her eyes.

At this point I recommend a pair of very dark glasses, and a strict no smile/smirk/twitch policy lest you give away your bluff.

As your daughter begins to actually consume said risotto do not, I repeat, do NOT let her see you crack, if there is a single fist pump of victory, or even a sideways smirk to your husband she will see joy in your eyes and immediately spit it out.

I found this out the hard way.

Police Officer $223

Stop right there!

Hands in the air!

Don't even THINK about touching that newly dry cleaned sweater!

Where, I repeat, where did you get that contraband?

A sticky piece of toast with jam from breakfast?

Did you hide it in the folds of your shirt and think you were going to get away with smuggling it?

Drop the toast and slowly walk towards the Mama.