Fashion Editor, In Style Magazine $198

Bellerina plopped herself on my lap this evening, with the enormous In Style Spring Issue in hand and proceeded to announce "This is my favorite story".

As we browsed through she pointed out the "party dresses", the "beautiful white gowns", and the many, many ads where "She's getting naaaaked!"

As I showed her the short, orange dresses, and we discussed how aqua can in fact go with maroon, I was very careful to explain to her how probably 97% of the girls in the magazine have eating disorders (or at the least disordered eating), and how she has to develop her own personal sense of style without worrying about what these pesky fashion editors say!

Bellerina learned a very important lesson from her own personal fashion editor today:

Being fashionably fabulous is fun, but if it were the most important thing a woman could do Anna Wintour would have a smile on her face occasionally.

Campbell's soup worker $208

What? Tired of Campbell's tomato soup with your salad on a cold winter night?

Have no fear, the latest soup test kitchen employee has beat the schmatookas off of that condensed madness.

Even Bellerina, who has been on a 2 week hunger strike of Ghandian proportions ate it up like it was going out of style!

It's a wonder what chickpeas and a splash of vinegar can do to a soup!

Granted, it went absolutely everywhere because she insisted that she be allowed to "do it by ma-self".

Totally worth it though!

Escape Artist $103

There is no trap, or box, or set of handcuffs that Houdini was ever put in that were as hard to get out of as a living room with the watchful eye of a 21 month old.

I would attempt the underwater, ankles shackled, not a key in sight, with less fear than I typically have trying to navigate my way out of the living room when my daughter can somehow smell that I'm leaving.

It's like they have mama-dar. They don't look like they're always paying attention to you, but these kids know exactly where you are all the time, when you're approaching your coat, and if you're giving off the slightest "leaving" pheromone.

Granted 99% of the time she couldn't care less when she does notice that I'm gone, but there is the grand occasion when it results in a full fledged tantrum, and at that point I really feel worse for whoever is watching her than for her.

But I successfully retreated today, in to the land of shopping for bridesmaids dresses and lunch with the girls. It was glorious.

Massage Therapist $202

I will grant you that most massage therapists don't work at 5:15am.

Or maybe they do...but that's another job entirely.

I found myself rubbing Bellerina's back at 5:15am and chanting, "please go back to sleep, please go back to sleep".

We drove down to NJ on Thursday night so VERY early Friday morning I found myself trying to hush my daughter back to dreamland while she struggled with her desire to sleep and therefore be a semi-sane baby for the rest of the day, and her stronger desire to see her Mema.

She knew that somewhere beyond the door of the guest room there was a whole world of relatives who she hadn't seen since December.

My massage skills were only good enough to calm her down until 6:30.

Real Estate Agent $178

Every once in a while my husbando and I get the crazy idea that we're ready to sell our house.

Granted we're ALWAYS ready to sell our house because we are not in love with it to say the least.

However, it's our little corner of the world, and we've done a lot of work to it, so I guess there is a small sense of attachment. Plus it's Bellerina's house, like the only one she's known so far, where everything happens, and her adorable little room is.

But never the less we had a real estate agent come by the house today and take a look and give us a "what you might get for this money pit" estimate.

Of course she arrived approximately 7.3 seconds after Bellerina went down for her nap.

So we had perhaps the most silent house walk through ever. She literally tiptoed in to the bathroom to see the new features we put in, and we whispered animatedly about the wall we knocked down. All in all I think I did a good job selling our house to her at .5 decibels.

Professional Poker Player $250

The thing about professional gamblers is, a lot of them have superstitions, and for good reason.

While you and I might think it's insane to worry about what pocket your lucky penny is in, to the professional poker player it makes all the difference to their demeanor, and therefore his or her ability to win.

For example, right after you have discreetly mixed fish and tartar sauce in to your daughters risotto it would do you good to not look directly in her eyes.

At this point I recommend a pair of very dark glasses, and a strict no smile/smirk/twitch policy lest you give away your bluff.

As your daughter begins to actually consume said risotto do not, I repeat, do NOT let her see you crack, if there is a single fist pump of victory, or even a sideways smirk to your husband she will see joy in your eyes and immediately spit it out.

I found this out the hard way.

Police Officer $223

Stop right there!

Hands in the air!

Don't even THINK about touching that newly dry cleaned sweater!

Where, I repeat, where did you get that contraband?

A sticky piece of toast with jam from breakfast?

Did you hide it in the folds of your shirt and think you were going to get away with smuggling it?

Drop the toast and slowly walk towards the Mama.

Vacation 2/7-2/11

Taking a little blog hiatus to work on my book. This is my second vacation week this year.

Therefore I consider myself "out of days"!

Model $161

Click, click, click, flash, flash, flash.

It's actually quite annoying to smile, looks slightly askew, and pose all in 6 inch heels. I mean it's worth it because I love the heels but it's still really hard.

Not hard enough that supermodels should get paid their ridiculous salaries, but you know, like hard enough that I would feel the need to complain mildly to my fellow model friends over our shared plate of spinach, Evian and Marlboro Light.

Today I did a little photo shoot with my aunt for our upcoming book. Had to have something to put next to our biographies on the "About Us" page.

Bellerina was super confused when I came home and was showing her like 200 pictures of me that looked exactly the same saying "Which one of Mama do you like better?" to which she of course replied, "Want to type an email to Minnie Mouse".

So I picked this one:

Pharmacist $400

At this point, it is basically good news to find out that Bellerina has an earache, at least now we can start the antibiotics and get her back to her normal self STAT!

Now, I am all for medicine tasting good enough for your kid to actually take it.

But do they really have to make it SO good?

She's screaming her head off every time the dose is done.

Perhaps this is partially my fault, since she only get ice cream like once a week, and basically all her other sugars come from fruit... This twice a day treat o' amoxicillin is like Christmas for her.

Motivational Speaker $250

Motivational speakers have to be by far the strangest breed of human being in the world.

They're super high energy, always cheery, and it seems that most of them list "Whole Milk" as their worst vice.

You know that deep down they're either total psychopaths, or closet cocaine addicts.

Of course I mean those mega watt smile, super perky, fill a Texas mega church motivational speakers.

Today I tried to be one of those for my husband, he's on an awesome blogging journey to lose weight (check it out here) and I'm trying to be there every step of the way with super motivation and what not.

However, I cracked. Halfway through Cardio X (with that satanic monkeybutt trainer) I totally gave up and headed over here to blog.

Lame Excuse: Last night I had to go in to the guest bed with a very sick Bellerina to get her to sleep, from midnight-6am I was woken up about every 15-20 minutes by her stirring, at one point I'm pretty sure I had a toe up the nose.

Reality: There is no excuse and I should have pushed out those last 15 minutes with my husbando!

Physician's Assistant $332

If I take one more temperature I may have to administer CPR to myself.

The numbers eventually start swimming in your head, was her last one 101.7 or 100.9?

Did I leave that thermometer under her arm long enough?

Do her eyes look glassy?

What time did I give tylenol last?

Did that cough sound phlegmy or dry?

Is she lethargic or just in the mood to read?

It literally distracts you all day and makes you pretty much a total crazy person when your child is sick. You spend the majority of your days thinking that you are a sane and rational parent who deals with everything in a calm logical way and then a temperature hits three digits and all sanity goes out the window!

But I'm taking her to the doctor tomorrow morning, so after one more sleepless night worrying about her and checking on her every 17 minutes I will have official confirmation that she has a cold and all I can do is continue on the path of tylenol and obsessive temperature taking.

Blue Hills Weather Observatory Staff $80

From about 6 am onward I was obsessively checking the radar and about 6 news stations every 5 minutes. Mostly the radar, because those little bands of color truly do not lie.

They also don't hype themselves for ratings which is nice, they just are what they are man.

Do I try to sneak in to work early to avoid the majority of the snow?

Is there no point because snow is just going to bombard us all day?

Someone tell me what to do!!

Oh, not you meteorologist because your answer is to PANIC!

I will not panic!

I won't I tell you!

Ok, maybe I will just a little, when I'm driving through the three inches of snow to drop Bellerina at my cousin's house, pretending that I'm 210 years old and can't go above 15 mph.

Just a small panic though, not like a channel 7 level panic or anything.

Military Sergeant $89

I don't necessarily regiment Bellerina's day.

We kind of go with the flow and most of the time stuff just happens at around the same time every day.

We were very fortunate to be able to go away on Saturday night (I highly recommend The Beechtree Inn in Newport, RI), and Bellerina spent a night with Grampy, Jen-Jen and Lukie, and they happen to enjoy structured instructions.

It took me way longer then I should have to write out times for milk, what to give her for lunch and dinner, when to put her to bed, read a story, or give a bath.

I never realized what a laissez-faire parent I am until I tried to actually tell someone what she does in a day and when she does it.

Nudist Colony Proprietor $165

Ever go to get dressed after a shower and realize that all the clothing you want to wear is in the dryer?

Ever do that when you're rushing to get out of the shower because your baby is waking up so instead of going to the dryer first you decide to pick her up and bring her with you?

Ever had that incident then result in a chorus of "Mammmmas NAKED!" for the next hour?

I have.

It is equal parts hilarious and slightly unnerving, because all you can think after an hour of random "Mama's Naked!" outbursts is "When we go to the grocery store this afternoon is she going to yell this out in the produce section? She totally is. We're not going, forget it, I don't really need milk".

Burger King Fry Cook $58

If Burger King ever decides to switch to reasonably sized organic turkey burgers, topped with homemade guacamole, and nestled lovingly in to pita bread, with sides of sweet potato fries I will be there with bells on to fill out my application.

This is one of those meals that's a "once a weeker", totally my go to answer for the oft repeated questions,"Oh shidoodles, what can we eat tonight where I will actually only have to make 1 meal to feed all three of us?".

I can make this thing in my sleep.

On one foot.

With an eye closed...probably not both eyes closed because I'd overdo it on the garlic for sure.

Some day Bellerina is going to look at me and just say "Ma, enough of the guacamole!".

But until that time comes we shall be on avocado overload.

Mechanic $144

Ok, ok, so I didn't technically install the remote start in my own car.

BUT I totally was explaining things to Bellerina as we drove to our real mechanic to have it installed.

It went something like this:

Mama said "Do you know where we're going??" in an abnormally giddy voice

"Cinderella!"

"Ummm..ok no...we're going to get a remote car start put in so that the car is nice and waaaaarm every morning!"

"Cinderella nice and warm!"

"Sure, she can be warm too, but more importantly, it will premelt the ice on the windshield, it will keep your little toesies from freezing off in the winter, you know, waaarm"

"Wanna pancake"

I think she got the general idea.

Heinz factory worker $108

Who knew that all kids needed to eat fish was tartar sauce?

What? All of you knew this and no one told me??

Yes, it's true, I've been trying to get Bellerina to baked fish with lemon squeezed on it.

This time I was intelligent enough to whip up a quick tartar sauce, a little mayo, sour cream, lemon juice and the crowning glory, capers.

She ate her weight in fish.

My new rule: When we are at a food stalemate, bring on the condiments.

Beer taster $216

Dream job?

Yes.

And it even exists.

So if anyone reading this knows a brewery that's looking for a taster, I'm their lady. I heart me some good beers.

Fortunately, so does the Yardhouse. Excellent nachos, phenomenal beer selection.

I basically spent the day doing yoga, reading to Bellerina, dancing the Hot Dog Dance (Moms of toddlers, you totally know what that is), and doing everything in my power to make the day go by fast so that I could get out, out, OUT I tell you!

It was glorious.

Sculptor $103

I do not know how to make a snowman.

There.

I said it.

However, I can make a mean snow volcano.

And when I put eyes and a mouth on my glorious Mount St. Snowmen Bellerina totally knew what it was.

So there.

Who needs those damn round balls that fall apart before you can possibly attach them to each other?

Perhaps next time I will try a snow pyramid.