Military Sergeant $89

I don't necessarily regiment Bellerina's day.

We kind of go with the flow and most of the time stuff just happens at around the same time every day.

We were very fortunate to be able to go away on Saturday night (I highly recommend The Beechtree Inn in Newport, RI), and Bellerina spent a night with Grampy, Jen-Jen and Lukie, and they happen to enjoy structured instructions.

It took me way longer then I should have to write out times for milk, what to give her for lunch and dinner, when to put her to bed, read a story, or give a bath.

I never realized what a laissez-faire parent I am until I tried to actually tell someone what she does in a day and when she does it.

Nudist Colony Proprietor $165

Ever go to get dressed after a shower and realize that all the clothing you want to wear is in the dryer?

Ever do that when you're rushing to get out of the shower because your baby is waking up so instead of going to the dryer first you decide to pick her up and bring her with you?

Ever had that incident then result in a chorus of "Mammmmas NAKED!" for the next hour?

I have.

It is equal parts hilarious and slightly unnerving, because all you can think after an hour of random "Mama's Naked!" outbursts is "When we go to the grocery store this afternoon is she going to yell this out in the produce section? She totally is. We're not going, forget it, I don't really need milk".

Burger King Fry Cook $58

If Burger King ever decides to switch to reasonably sized organic turkey burgers, topped with homemade guacamole, and nestled lovingly in to pita bread, with sides of sweet potato fries I will be there with bells on to fill out my application.

This is one of those meals that's a "once a weeker", totally my go to answer for the oft repeated questions,"Oh shidoodles, what can we eat tonight where I will actually only have to make 1 meal to feed all three of us?".

I can make this thing in my sleep.

On one foot.

With an eye closed...probably not both eyes closed because I'd overdo it on the garlic for sure.

Some day Bellerina is going to look at me and just say "Ma, enough of the guacamole!".

But until that time comes we shall be on avocado overload.

Mechanic $144

Ok, ok, so I didn't technically install the remote start in my own car.

BUT I totally was explaining things to Bellerina as we drove to our real mechanic to have it installed.

It went something like this:

Mama said "Do you know where we're going??" in an abnormally giddy voice

"Cinderella!"

"Ummm..ok no...we're going to get a remote car start put in so that the car is nice and waaaaarm every morning!"

"Cinderella nice and warm!"

"Sure, she can be warm too, but more importantly, it will premelt the ice on the windshield, it will keep your little toesies from freezing off in the winter, you know, waaarm"

"Wanna pancake"

I think she got the general idea.

Heinz factory worker $108

Who knew that all kids needed to eat fish was tartar sauce?

What? All of you knew this and no one told me??

Yes, it's true, I've been trying to get Bellerina to baked fish with lemon squeezed on it.

This time I was intelligent enough to whip up a quick tartar sauce, a little mayo, sour cream, lemon juice and the crowning glory, capers.

She ate her weight in fish.

My new rule: When we are at a food stalemate, bring on the condiments.

Beer taster $216

Dream job?

Yes.

And it even exists.

So if anyone reading this knows a brewery that's looking for a taster, I'm their lady. I heart me some good beers.

Fortunately, so does the Yardhouse. Excellent nachos, phenomenal beer selection.

I basically spent the day doing yoga, reading to Bellerina, dancing the Hot Dog Dance (Moms of toddlers, you totally know what that is), and doing everything in my power to make the day go by fast so that I could get out, out, OUT I tell you!

It was glorious.

Sculptor $103

I do not know how to make a snowman.

There.

I said it.

However, I can make a mean snow volcano.

And when I put eyes and a mouth on my glorious Mount St. Snowmen Bellerina totally knew what it was.

So there.

Who needs those damn round balls that fall apart before you can possibly attach them to each other?

Perhaps next time I will try a snow pyramid.

Private Investigator $480

Washing dishes, calmly going on with my morning routine, I heard the beginnings of utter panic.

It started as a simple "Chip?...Chip?", and escalated in about 7 seconds to a full scale "CHIIIIP????".

Bellerina came flying around the corner in to the kitchen, looking at me with huge terrified eyes, "Mama, need Chip!".

Chip is of course her tea cup, and probably the only toy that was not in the living room strewn from one end to the other.

"Ok baby", I very calmly took her hand and led her to her kitchen, where of course, this mama keeps Chip. Or so I thought.

Hmmm..not in the kitchen, or in the tent, or under the couch (but wow do I have to vacuum under there), or in the cushions, or in the DVDs...ok, now mama is close to panic mode too.

A full 20 minutes of searching finally yielded Chip in the sock bin, in her room, pretty much 7/8 of the way across the house from where he belongs.

I can only assume that he snuck there in the middle of the night for a tryst with the puppet, Calcetine.

Nanny $170

Sometimes I feel like Bellerina is completely oblivious to that fact that I'm her mom.

I mean, I know that's not true.

But on those days when you're taking them to see a friend, then to the grocery store, then to see a few family members, and never really just sitting down to read a story or cuddle it feels like I'm her nanny carting her from one activity to the other and managing to shove some food time in there.

Today was totally one of those days.

Especially when I went to pick her up from her friend Teddy's house (I guess his mom was there too...) and she literally looked at me, shrugged, and went back to playing!

Happens to all of us some days!

I avoid the urge to hug and squeeze her and say "LOVE ME!" because that would be a little creepy.

Babysitter $80

I had the absolutely most pleasant babysitting experience of my life today. I have a tendency to view babysitting as second on my list of "worst jobs ever", right after President, and well before stablehand.

I believe this stems from the neighbors from hell who I babysat for as a child, they had two kids, and infant and a dog with mange. One of their sons would literally swing cats around by the tail. It was a house of horrors.

My cousin's son came over, he is a 3 year old boy, who behaved like an absolute angel today.

Somehow Bellerina and him managed to play together for about 3 hours without any sign of conflict.

They made corn and pineapple soup together, then some banana yogurt with extra eggs in it, they even shared a tricycle.

It was absolutely glorious, the stars must be aligned.

For a brief minute I thought "Wow, I can totally do this, maybe I'm ready for another one"....

Then I remembered that this was 3 hours. 24/7 with two kids I am just not prepared for yet!

Security Guard $200

You know when you see pictures of movie stars, and they're emerging from a restaurant, hidden by someone's jacket being ushered to a waiting vehicle?

Well, usually it's because they're drunk or forgot to put on their fake eye lashes.

The mommy version of that is when you usher your kid out of a restaurant, half hiding them in their own coat, with a Cinderella doll gripped under one arm, praying that you can get them out of there before getting a dozen stares that say "how dare you bring a child to a restaurant at noon".

The stares are worse than any paparazzi shot could ever be.

This is how we exited a restaurant in Falmouth this afternoon. I do not wish to repeat this job.

Photo Editor $233

I love Aperture!

So much fun yet so easy to use!

During Bellerina's nap today I had a little fun with our Christmas photos!

Black and white, sepia, and airbrushing madness ensued. I may or may not have found a way to take away every skin imperfection I have, which is totally saying something.

I did stop myself before I got carried away and airbrushed Bellerina's flyaway hairs out of the pictures...that's just creepy bordering on Toddlers in Tiaras. Those airbrushed photos of children give me nightmares.

Domain checker, intuit.com $216

Some *&%)#-*#($)*#er bleepedy bleeping took the domain name I wanted for my website.

Was it available two days ago?

Yes it was.

Did I check like 6 sites before I would really believe that someone had stolen it?

Yes I did.

But fear not (I know, I know, you were shaking in your boots worried about the future of cheeky guacamole intense children's books), I found a very suitable replacement.

However, if I find the beast that took my first choice I will assault them.

Just saying.

Dentist $407

This morning as I was washing Bellerina's toothbrush off I had already thought this may be my job of the day.

Bellerina is very, very good at having her tongue brushed because it represents her greatest potential for eating the most toothpaste at once. She freaking loves this stuff. Maybe I will try putting toothpaste flavored sauce on chicken next time!

She is however very, very bad at opening up enough to let us get her newly formed molars, or holding her "smile" long enough for me to brush away the blueberry skin that she inevitably jams in between her two front teeth.

It is an innate talent that some children have, weaseling food up in between their two front teeth.

She has been blessed.

Turns out I also had to be a dentist to myself when she enthusiastically was playing "Wild Woman" (don't ask, it gets ugly) and managed to slam her head directly in to my left front tooth. I think that she may have been going for a kiss (at least that's what I tell myself, it was probably the headbutt of death she was attempting) but it just resulted in me thinking that maybe I was going to be looking a little hillbilly for a few days.

We have both survived this episode...teeth intact.

Omelette Chef $68

Does Bellerina know that her omelette this morning was glorious perfection?

No, no she doesn't.

But I do.

I spent a little bit of time trying to explain to her how I had folded it perfectly, and it wasn't a touch over ideal browning, and the goat cheese inside was melty goodness without being as hot as lava.

I'm pretty sure that she understood me because she kept saying "more, more" but I can't be sure.

Hair Model $35

Oh joy, oh rapture, oh bliss!

Today I had the sheer pleasure of having a husbando at home who took care of my baby and a cousin who is a hair stylist willing to squeeze me in at noon on a Saturday...even though she probably didn't have the time!

I went in and told her "Do whatever you want! I trust you completely!".

I came out with a lovely bob, just the change I was looking for.

Sometimes it's totally worth it putting yourself in a stylist's hands...well...if you know where she lives.

Book Agent $208

Since I spend the vast majority of my time during the day reading children's books I was hit by a bolt of inspiration lightening last week and jotted down an entire book in about 20 minutes.

After much reading and research I have decided that it is whole heartedly not worth it to attempt to do this the traditional publisher route.

Keep your eyes peeled my friends, soon you will see the launching of my website for this little project, and hopefully word of mouth will spread like wild fire and I can eventually sell it to a bigger publisher.

For the time being, I am my own book agent...and publisher..and marketer...

Street Performer $200

Ok, so technically if this was my job I would make $0 a day but I'm basing the salary on people who are actually talented.

If you told me 2 years ago that I would be singing in public...more specifically the spice aisle of an Indian grocery store, I would have laughed in your face.

But there I was, surrounded by garam masala powder, with a screaming baby in my left hand, the basket also in my left hand (why didn't I get a carriage you ask...well that turned out to by my fatal flaw didn't it?), singing "So This is Love".

The man behind restocking the cumin was giving me the evil eye, a woman with her very well behaved child had a superior nose in the air, and the guy behind the counter was trying to make faces at and distract Bellerina..which I think did more harm then good.

Upside? I got all the hard to find ingredients I need for dinner Saturday night.

Downside? Someone outside of my house had to hear my voice. **Shudder**

DJ $280

Most DJs spend their time picking the right music to get a crowd pump and the party started!
As a Mom DJ you spend most of your time trying to find the right music to calm the party down, the crying, screaming, generally grumpy party that usually accompanies either long trips or unwelcome ejections from the warm house full of toys.
Usually "Alphabutts" does the job, we listen to Kimya Dawson wax poetic about farts.
But this morning Bellerina was already less then amiable, and grew even less happy as we stuffed her in her coat and hat, and finally when we exited the door in to the icy morning she officially lost it.
Thank goodness this DJ had a "back up mix" in the car, thanks to one of Bellerina's "aunties" we were blessed with a CD that has Cinderella on it! So she sat there completely entranced by the story, and I had a nice peaceful drive to drop her off and head to work.

Costume Designer $280

Pink Fairy wings? Check.

Red skirt? Check.

Pirate sword? Check.

Ladybug girl headband? Check.

Coolest little girl costume ever? Check.

Game Show Host $961

The majority of our time up in NH celebrating New Years Eve was spent playing games.

Lots of games.

And while I did lose a few, Wii Jeopardy for example due to a poorly miscalculated final question, I will say that the game that I "hosted" I remain undefeated in for about 6 months.

I am the master of Cranium, and the husbando and I love to introduce it to new people because we think it's the best game ever invented.

This is basically me issuing a challenge, I dare you guys to find a team that can beat me at Cranium.

That's all I'm saying.

I rule.