Teenage leaf raker $25

I usually love raking leaves.

It's fantastic exercise, and it's outdoors, who doesn't love a workout under the sun?

Of course, I've never done it before with a toddler latched on to my leg.

Or worse, with that same toddler is trying to see through the fence to spot Daddy working out front, leaning on the fence with all her might, the same fence that is basically toothpicks (some of which are missing) held together by sheer willpower.

All in all Bellerina did a great job of watching me rake, and "helping" by grabbing the handle and screaming.

But next year I'm hiring a teenage babysitter so that I can clean up the yard in peace.

Sweet Potato Lobbyist $240

Before I even start this post I have to tell you that yes, there are lobbyists for sweet potatoes. At least there are in North Carolina. So I'm counting it.

Me: "Bellerina you loooove sweet potato"

Bellerina: "No", mouth closed, hands in front of mouth as a secondary defense against the evil Spoonius and his bounty of weaponized vegetable.

Me: "But it's sweet potato honey it's delicious, you love it, and it's orange!"

Bellerina: "No", still in defensive mode, now accompanied by a look that clearly says 'Mommy, you apparently need to look up the definition of the word love'

Airport Shuttle Driver $68

This morning we drove Nana and Karl to the airport as they flitted down to Florida for the weekend.

On the upside, Bellerina slept the entire way in.

On the downside, she totally decided that it was appropriate to wake up 1 mile from the airport.

Just in time to register their presence in the car, and of course, FREAK OUT when they left.

As they were pulling their luggage out of the back the lip started to go, and then when the hatch shut the slight lip quiver turned in to a "Naaaana" whine, which as we pulled out of the airport quickly dissolved in to a full on scream.

I'm pretty sure that the toll booth operator went home and told his wife that they're never having children.

Art Dealer $526

Today I became the proud owner of a beautiful, one of a kind piece of artwork.

It is absolutely breathtaking, and totally awesome, all at the same time.

I was very lucky to come across such a rare, and exquisite art piece.

That's right, today we received in the mail Bellerina's homemade Halloween costume from her Auntie Niecey. And I am not exaggerating at all when I tell you it is absolutely stunning.

I won't post pictures until Saturday though because it has to stay a surprise!

Detective $326

Bellerina had a lovely day with her aunt and her cousin Nick!

When I picked her up after work I noticed that her nose was absolutely covered with dirt! She looked like PigPen, exactly how a kid should look after a day in late October when the temperature reaches 70 degrees! But I was a little confused as to how all the dirt ended up just on her face.

So I asked her, "Belle, what happened to your nose? It's very dirty!".

To which she obligingly replied "Nose...buda...muumba...LEAVES!".

I later confirmed with my cousin that she was in fact taking massive handfuls of leaves and then sniffing them and saying "MMMM".

Ah, the joys of Fall.

Caterer $142

Today I had the pleasure of catering a small engagement party!

Sure, I'm one of the matrons of honor, and we were throwing it at my friends house, but technically since I cooked a badonka (spelling on that one?) load of food I think it counts as catering!

Plus I had a sous chef (yay Stepha!), so that makes me like the head chef of the catering company. Perhaps I should have bumped up the pay a little (considering a psychic makes more!).

It was a lovely time, and Bellerina got to make a new friend at the party, and she devoured my guacamole per usual.

And everyone who has never met my little bundle of odd taste buds was very confused when she wanted guacamole and key lime tart instead of a cupcake.

I don't pretend to understand her random food obsessions, I just role with them.

Psychic $320

I have had a vision.

Today I watched my little brother (6 years old) for a few hours in the afternoon.

Watching him and Bellerina run around, getting him to help me with stuff, watching how he played with her, I could vision for the first time in my life what it will be like to have two kids.

And it is awesome!

Now, don't anyone tell husbando this, because he wants to have another one like last week and I'm just not ready yet.

But for the first time I can really see what it will be like!

Well, except I had actually showered because I only had one in the morning, so I guess it will be like that, but smellier.

Daycare employee $144

I have tried employing the Duggar tactic for sharing by making it sound like a positive thing "You get to share! Isn't that exciting?" (And people told me that no good would come from watching that show!)

It kind of works...a little...except that the more I tell her sharing is FUN the more I think she's misinterpreting the meaning of the word fun.

Today Bellerina did a pretty good job of sharing with her best friend Teddy. She did have a tiny fit when he took her coffee cup, but honestly who can blame her? And there was a mild outburst over a Thomas the Train book.

But when all was said and done I think that she is moving on up in the world of sharing and social behavior.

Now that I've said that, watch her rip a cookie out of his hand on Saturday. It will be my own fault for jinxing this.

Bard $0.75

If I were born in the 17th century, I definitely would have been a bard.

I'm just saying, this is totally one of the jobs I'm best at.

MUCH better then I am at being a Ninja.

This morning in the ongoing battle that is GettyBellerinaToDrinkburg I employed a new tactic.

I laid down next to her and recited her favorite book, The Big Jump.

Never heard of it?

That's because it is a horrific book that I think was only in print from 1981-1982 and probably sold 5 copies. One of which is at my mother's house, and Bellerina found in some pile of long forgotten books, that I assume my mother forgot to burn.

Apparently my rendition was rousing enough to distract her from her sippy cup hatred long enough to get her to drink some milk.

Mission accomplished.

(They got paid next to nothing and were basically servants to the King, but yes, I am conveniently giving the bard a daily salary of $0.75 to get rid of that damn quarter.)

Grief Counselor $111

Bellerina still has not come to terms with the disappearance of the bottles.

She drinks maybe half a glass in the morning, and if I'm lucky another half glass throughout the day.

While that has significantly increased her food intake, she is still a little off-kilter.

I tried to have a conversation with her today while she was screaming her head off.

Why did I try to reason with a 17 month old?

Because I'm at the end of my rope and it's the last stupid thing I could think of to do!

She did not understand that the bottles have gone to a better place, or that they had a good long life with her, she really didn't want to hear a single word of it.

I shall persevere tomorrow.

Perhaps I will try dressing her sippy cup up like Elmo...

Yoga instructor $96

I am moderate at best when I go to a yoga class.

But I love it, and I do practice at home.

Little did I know that a certain someone was paying very close attention.

I have been unintentionally creating a mini-yogi.

Divorce Attorney $369

In the case of Bellerina v. Bottle, I offer up the following terms:

1. That there be an immediate severance of contact

2. That Bottle take refuge in a Witness Protection program, we recommend the highly regarded Mama-Hide-In-Closet

3. Bellerina shall not be allowed visitation until further notice, as she will take advantage of any sign of weakness shown by Bottle

4. That all consumption of milk shall be removed to the land of Sippy Cup indefinitely

Bellerina offered this up in response to my proposed terms "BBBOOOOOOTTTTTLLLLEEEE!"

Which I shall take to mean "No."

Project Runway Contestant $0

Apparently I did not "make it work" today.

I got Bellerina all dressed in a super cute outfit, got her shoes on her, hair done, even her rain coat matched.

Then she comes toddling over to me holding up her new pink sneakers, crying, "Shoes mama, shoes".

I said "You already have shoes on baby!"

That answer produced a more emphatic "Shoes MAMA Shoes!" as I got the pink sneakers shoved in my face.

I didn't realize the translation was "I want THESE shoes mama, can't you see that they would look better then what's on my feet??! What is wrong with you? This is obviously a pink sneaker outfit."

I am in Trouble (Capital T), and I have no one to blame but myself.

Mental Institution Guard $136

It was flu shot day.

Evil, awful, day.

Bellerina screamed her head off and thrashed around like a complete lunatic until the nurse had to ask me to hold her down and pin her arms at her sides.

Was that in response to the needle?

Oh no.

That was in response to the nurse trying to check her breathing and ears to make sure she wasn't sick.

Apparently the stethoscope is an instrument of torture.

By the time we came to the shot phase she just watched it go in to her arm and looked at me like "Well, why couldn't we do that earlier instead of the cold, evil, ring of death?".

Monkey Trainer $92

Whenever I want Bellerina to show off something new that she's learned in front of a group of people she clams up and gives me the "I am not a trained monkey" look of disdain.

Today, she performed quite nicely for her Mema and Neno on video conference.

Not only did she say several new words, but she pulled out the phrase "Watch for rain".

I am a proud trainer.

Is there something wrong with comparing my lovely Bellerina to a trained chimp? Yes.

But sometimes doesn't it feel like that when you just want them to show off for a minute?

Psychiatrist $557

Before I even get started, yes I know that I've already used psychologist as a job, but these are two different professions, psychiatrists can prescribe drugs.

If my drug of choice is a blueberry pancake from Strawberry Fair, so be it.

My mom and I took Bellerina our for a pancake the size of her this afternoon.

She ate half of the plate sized, half an inch thick, part cornbread, part flour stuffed with blueberries piece of yummy goodness. (If you haven't noticed the theme here, my child is a genetically predisposed carboholic)

When the remainder of the pancake was removed from the table so that it could be boxed up it resulted in some serious emotional distress.

There was pointing, there were tears, there was massive separation anxiety.

The only cure?

The best drug known to man, more blueberry pancake.

Denise Austin $384

Today I hawked Idaho Potatoes like I was getting paid for it.

I put on my best fitness guru smile, did a little head tilting, and somehow convinced Bellerina that she likes potatoes.

Before tonight I'd never actually successfully gotten her to each a potato.

Mashed, baked, as a salad covered in vinegar, as a french fry, all of them ended up half-masticated on the highchair seat.

But not tonight!

Thank you Denise, for showing me how to effectively sell spuds.

Kindergarten teacher $123

The husbando took our car to work today. Yes we are a one car family, yes I know that we're like the only ones left in that category.

So Bellerina and I were home all day, in the rain, finding various ways to occupy our time!

I have never sang "Itsy Bitsy Spider" so many times in my life, and I probably mean cumulatively, but after every rendition she gave me a quality standing ovation, so I guess I can't complain.

Then we colored our little hearts out for at least an hour.

Then we kind of sat there and stared at each other.

Until I made the mistake of reading "It's Spring" to her, once I read that book the first time I might as well get comfortable because it's a chorus of "Again, Again!" until I read it 100 times.

Honestly, I don't know how kindergarten teachers do it, I only had one kid in front of me, and I was worn out!

Political Speech Writer $223

I wouldn't say that what we told Bellerina tonight was lying.

It was more fashioning the truth in a way that made it more appealing to her pre-existing prejudices.

Was the mushroom risotto technically "White Sauce" like we told her?

I suppose not if you're going to be technical about the definition of sauce.

But did it appeal to her pre-existing propensity for liking things that have "sauce" on them?

Yes, yes it did.

So I challenge my opponents to prove that risotto is not in fact a sauce.

I will send Glenn Beck after you. So help me, I will.

Border Patrol agent $183

Bellerina is like the Switzerland of this house, she feels like because she has yet to publicly announce her agenda (we know you have one, you're not fooling anybody) and remains "neutral and impartial" she should be allowed to travel wherever she wants to unfettered.

Not so my dear, not so.

In this house there is some strict border patrol.

And it only rears it's ugly cigarette and food confiscating head when Mama needs some alone time.

For example, at 7:05 this morning when Mama really just needed to take a shower and get ready for work and you got shut out of the bathroom.

I was semi-heartbroken by your crying outside the door for the first few minutes, and then really, I just wanted to take a shower in peace.

So unfortunately you did not receive your visa in to the bathroom until we were ready to accept immigrants at 7:15am, clean and refreshed.

Thank goodness Dada was available to offer you temporary political asylum.

Mountaineer $10

It is amazing how little mountaineers make when they exert such extreme effort, I mean, even the professional ones pretty much blow whatever they get paid by sponsors (I'm talking to you North Face) on their next adventure.

This morning at 9:50am we were sitting around, planning on going to Target after her 1030am nap when I had an epiphany. There are only so many days left before the horrid cold, dreariness of winter so I said "Self, get your sorry ass out there".

The three of us, Bellerina, husbando and mama were out the door and on Blue Hills before you could say boo. Like literally out the door by 10, and it felt great!

We got to show Bellerina the value of an early morning hike that is rewarded by a beautiful view of the Boston skyline, and a side bar of feeling accomplished for the day.

I am super impressed by husbando who hiked the whole way with an extra 30 pounds in the form of Bellerinabackpackius, a very squirmy species.

Stand up comic $100

Today I had a funny story to tell. One of those things that's only really funny 2 hours after it happens, and if it didn't happen to you.

Bellerina was having a bit of an off day today.

And at one point she was standing outside of the bathroom door, banging on it, screaming her head off....for about 10 minutes.

Why?

Because I wouldn't let her play with tampons.

That's right.

Somehow she got herself in to a box of tampons and was throwing them in the air, laughing. It was literally raining tampons.

When I put them back in the cabinet, a fit of massive proportions ensued.

I realized the hilarity of tampon confetti about an hour after she stopped screaming!