Cruise Itinerary Planner $161

The husbando and I are fortunate enough to have some really rocking relatives.

My wonderful aunt agreed to host Bellerina at her house for 2 nights so that we could get away for NYE. Awesomeness.

As I did the super fast rundown of Bellerina's typical schedule I was rattling off random times and milk amounts, and average menu items, all the while pleasantly happy knowing that I could give this information and then my aunt could do whatever she wanted with it?

Want to let her eat all day at the buffet? That's cool!

Prefer to explore the outdoors when we dock? That's cool too!

It's really great to be able to just give a totally vague, really general outline of what's available, and know that everyone's going to have a great time!

Circus Worker $58

I don't know why these guys don't get paid more, setting up a tent is a lot harder then it looks.

Of course, mine was way smaller then the big top, but Bellerina was sandwiching herself in the middle of it screaming with joy, "TENT!! TENT!!" and standing up, thereby throwing the poles that I had managed to finagle in to spot totally out of place.

And of course, when you put up the tent for the circus you get the satisfaction of watching hundreds of people being entertained by your work.

In my case she lost interest the second that her tent was fully assembled.

No big shock there.

Getaway Car Driver $750

Topping the list of bad ideas for sales clerks:

Letting a 19 month old try on your sparkly ring while she's waiting in the jewelry store, then asking for it back.

Apparently this woman doesn't realize that children don't really understand sharing.

"Why would you let me try on this gorgeous sparkly piece of goodness then take it off me?" only gets expressed as "AAAAHHHHHH!!!!" complete with crocodile tears.

So I had to make an escape from the jeweler today with a screaming a baby and a quick wave to the woman who made the 10 minute drive back to my house a personal hell filled with cries of "Try-on-a-ring!".

Toys R Us Stock person $107

Bellerina is a very lucky little girl!

Our house is currently running amok with kitchen utensils, fake food and toys all lovingly contributed to our house by friends and family showering her with presents!

It has officially become time to go through the things that she's too old for and pack them away in Grampy's basement to make room for fun new imagination building toys!

I'm not prepared to have a baby who is old enough to have "outgrown" simpler toys.

Can't she still lay under that mat and bat at a stuffed giraffe for hours??

No, no, now she likes to cook me hummus!

Vacation week $0

Enjoying the holidays! Be back on the 28th!

Ranch Hand $80

Corralling a baby at a friend's house who does not have toddlers should be considered an Olympic sport.

Every time you turn around they are trying desperately to sneak somewhere else they are not allowed.

Desk covered in snow globes? Stop number one.

Valuable heirloom ornament? Stop numbers two and seven.

What's that mom? You created a pen out of that foot stool and chair? You thought that could hold me back?

It's like they see a Christmas tree and kid's gain super human abilities, vaulting mommy in a single bound.

Movie Theater Counter person $64

Today was a lazy day...well, for Bellerina!

I had to get food ready, caramel popcorn for two holiday parties and Gingerbread caramels for Christmas gifts.

Since the caramels have to be carefully cooked and then set out with minimal movement I had to bust out Cinderella for transfer time, because good caramels cannot be made with a baby clinging to any part of you.

So Bellerina got all excited when I put the movie in, and then looked at me like I was insane when I shut it off 10 minutes later.

Apparently I am an inefficient movie theater employee, no one told me that you have to let the movie run all the way through!

Iron Chef $500

The secret ingredient is:

PEAR!

Go!

You have 3.5 minutes to create some kind of dish for lunch that involves PEAR!

Oh, and we've attached a crying child to you.

Oh, and you can't really turn on the stove because she's trying to wedge herself in between your legs and the stove.

Oh, and you have to speed peel the pear because if she comes in to contact with the skin she gags voraciously.

Oh, and if you'd like to feed yourself sometime in the next 2 hours you may just want to get it over with now too.

Martha Stewart Living Entertaining Editor $596

I love entertaining and cooking, and I want nothing more then to get paid for doing it, so basically this would be my real life dream job.

Even if it meant working for a convicted felon.

I admire and appreciate her insanely obsessive nature, and it would be a pleasure to work under such well organized tyranny (assuming that you are omnipotent Martha, I mean that as a compliment).

Today I had the pleasure of hosting a group of former colleagues who long ago surpassed that title and just became awesome friends!

I managed to cook, and do some pretty nifty holiday decorating with Bellerina literally attached to my leg. Each wine glass has a jingle bell and the person's first initial attached to it so everyone knows which glass is theirs. And yes, I did have to put The Incredibles on for a half hour to get this done.

Fisherman $77

Today's bath went much like I picture it is to real in a big tuna.

They splash around wildly, soaking you from head to toe as they churn and twist viciously trying to escape as you extract them from the water.

They are cold, and slippery, and it seems that the closer they get to dry, the more agitated they are until they give one final burst of wailing, with their head turned all the way around, one last valiant attempt to bite your hand off, and they give up.

Of course, the fish doesn't then sit and pout while she gets covered in lotion and put in her pajamas.

But you know, pretty much the same thing.

Hershey's recipe developer $168

If I were a Hershey's recipe developer I believe my cube brainstorm would have gone something like this:

Everyone loves chocolate cake.

Everyone loves Hershey's homemade frosting recipe (on the back of the cocoa can)

Everyone loves Reese's cups.

*Pause*

THAT'S IT!

It was glorious. And yes, there was a layer of Reese's cups in the middle too.

Electrician $216

Every morning when I turn on the dining room light for Bellerina and I to have breakfast there is a super irritating and unrelenting high pitched buzz.

It just doesn't stop.

I turn the dimmer a little this way, a little that way, turn it off then on again and nothing I tell you nothing. The buzzing continues on like my own personal irritating gnat to buzz around my head every morning.

Today though I finally figured it out and fixed the problem!

We ate breakfast in the dark.

Prison Warden $211

I had Bellerina trapped in the house today.

Not because she was bad, not because it was raining, but because it was freaking freezing out.

Try explaining to an 18 month old that if she steps outside her boogies will literally freeze inside of her nose for weeks and her tears will turn the consistency of freshly fallen snow.

When she looks outside and it's dark she understand that it's not time to play, when it's raining she totally gets that it's indoor time, but when there isn't a cloud in the clear blue sky and the backyard looks bright and inviting she just tries to sneak out every chance she gets.

Or she does something even more pathetic, she presses her nose against the glass that looks out in to our miniscule backyard and stares longingly at the hammock.

If it were socially acceptable, I would do the same thing.

How am I going to do this until March? I think it's time for a heavy duty snow suit.

Eye, Ear, Nose and Throat Doctor $431

If you keep screaming like that Bellerina you will most certainly lose your voice.

Yes, that scream.

The one where you stretch your vocal chords in to another dimension and push sound through them with all your might.

Yes, the one that makes mommy's ears bleed.

When you lose your voice I won't even feel bad for you.

I will in fact be relieved.

I'm just warning you.

So that you know I have some kind of idea what I'm talking about.

Sometimes.

Excuse me while I go get some cotton balls to stuff in my ears.

Siamese Twin in the Circus $100

Someone has to be in the freakshow.

I'm pretty sure that I could have auditioned this morning at Barnum and Baileys and no one would have been the wiser.

Every morning Bellerina and I lay down in the guest bed while she drinks her milk. She likes it because it's cuddle time, I like it because with any luck I manage to doze off for 10 minutes before she wakes me up by smacking me in the face with her empty sippy cup and yelling "Fank You".

This morning she was especially "cuddly".

By "cuddly" I mean that she attached the side of her face to my cheek and wouldn't move.

I would imagine this is what a ship feels like, covered in barnacles.

Even as I tried to get up to shower and pass her off to the husbando she would not remove her cheek from mine, screaming up a storm of "maaaamaaaa".

Ah, nothing like early morning attachment to start the day off right.

Lounge Singer $200

Cheesy lounge singers rule.

Today I was a cheesy lounge singer...in the shower.

I had a very irate Bellerina in her Excersaucer, which she is about 10 pounds too heavy for.

It was 11:50, Dan was still out waiting to get his hair cut, and we had to leave the house at 12:45 for my cousin's wedding.

I wrestled Bellerina in to the miniature contraption while silently cursing all the guys who were getting their damn hair cut.

Then I had to shower in about 6 minutes, singing Christmas carols the whole time, in my cheesiest-loungiest voice to keep her from tipping the Excersaucer over, which would have taken about 3 seconds of angry rocking.

For the record, I looked awesome even though I only had a "rinse off".

Crafter $66

True story on the daily wage.

I went to a craft fair tonight, set up my booth, laid out my wares, and it was an absolutely dismal turnout.

On the upside a lot of people told me how much they liked my aprons and little girl's Christmas bows.

On the downside, very few people actually bought them.

Bah-Humbug.

Better get these bad boys up on Etsy!

Behavioral Therapist $246

Sometimes it is not easy to keep a level head and figure out what precisely is causing your child to scream like a caged animal that is about to be slaughtered.

For example, when you're standing in line at Macy's trying to return boots that don't fit because they make the calves of boots for children or anorexic New Yorkers.

Then, you just try to jiggle the carriage a little and sing a horridly off key song, and make jokes to fellow customers while you just pray you will get out of the store before the perfume lady gives you another freaking look.

Because what you really want is for your child to be screaming out of the blue for no apparent reason when you just want to return some boots!

FYI, when I calmed down and put my behavioral therapist hat on I realized I made a fatal mistake, the mistake of using a tool that has certain expectations associated with it for another function.

I put her in her carriage, which means extended (minimum 1 mile) walk, not a brief jaunt from the parking lot to the shoe department where you stop and wait in line.

Not making that mistake again! Next time she gets the sling.

Marathoner $576

I'm very excited that Bellerina wants to "ruuuun, ruuuun" everywhere now.

What I'm not super excited about is how much running that inevitably puts on me.

I hate to run.

It's probably the only workout that I do not enjoy.

Today it felt like I ran 10 miles in my house, in an hour, with slippers on, trying to work on some crafts for a fair I'm doing Friday.

Every time I thought I had her corralled with a bucket o' blocks it turned rapidly in to "ruuuun, ruuuun".

I swear children can smell when you have something you want to get done and they choose that day to run amok.

Amok, amok, amok. (SJP)

Firefighter $313

I love sitting around a fire in the living room.

Or rather, I used to love it before I had a mobile child.

Now it makes me really, really nervous!

I spent tonight standing with my back to the fire at my mom's house watching Bellerina try to finagle her way closer and closer.

This child is not getting a smore any time soon because judging by her mesmerized stare she would literally walk straight in.

Secret Service $480

Today I was thrown my first ever, totally awesome, surprise birthday party!

My mother's house was filled with people I love, and it was fantastic!

Bellerina was the only person in the house more overwhelmed than me.

She didn't want to sit with me, because there were so many other people in the house who she loves to play with.

But every 20 minutes she had to walk around and find me, stare me in the eyes and silently say to me "Good, you're still here, got my back, I'm safe", then she would wander off to find Mema or Daddy.

She wanted me to be there, in the distance, so she knew where I was if she needed me, but I didn't interrupt her photo opportunities.

Bomb Squad $250

Let's just start off with one side note: These guys do not get paid enough.

Nothing says "wow we just had a great party" like waking up to a total explosion in your house.
The bomb did not spare a single sector, the living room was caught up in its wake, along with the kitchen (obviously), the dining room, and a dessert table disaster (which I promptly grabbed a piece of chocolate from...just doing my part cleaning up).

Bomb squad clean up was already in full force when I woke up since my husbando can't sleep when he knows that there is a mess to clean! So I just rolled up my sleeves and joined in, with my eyes half open, praying that a cup of coffee would magically descend from the heavens and insert itself directly in to my blood stream.

Ah, the holiday morning after. Nothing quite like it.

Restaurant Manager $196

Did I stuff the turkey?
No. (Thank goodness!)
Did I make the award winning out of control good lobster bisque?
No. (But I did eat plenty of it)
Did I coordinate the timing of everything, and the serving order, and the seating arrangement, and the dinner time, and make the majority of the sides?
Yes, yes I did.
And for that I consider myself the manager of Thanksgiving.
I never could have successfully had 15 people at the table without all the help from my family and friends!

Interior Designer $360

The day before Thankgiving...equal parts exciting and totally out of control!
This year I'm very lucky that my in laws were already up, so they were on Bellerina-duty while I spent the afternoon rearranging the house, and coming up with a design plan for my table.
The bar was rearranged, the entire layout of the dining room was totally disrupted, and each plate on the table was carefully placed to provide the right amount of "mix and match" (thank you Amanda), because honestly, who has 15 of the same plate??
All in all I think it was a successful final product, well balanced, with a touch of whimsy.

Peter Pan Driver $96

Fare from Kingston, RI to Brockton, MA?

$25 normally.

But we give a $25 discount if you are a college student who will tell us good stories and help the driver to relive her favorite Thursday nights.

Ah, the talk of frat houses and the solemn vow to avoid jungle juice at all costs made me nostalgic.

No, I didn't pick up a hitchhiker.

My cousin was making the traditional trek home from the holidays and I took her on one leg of her journey...and don't worry Di... she's being safe!

Personal Shopper $106

Ok, so technically Gap Kids doesn't offer a personal shopper service, but Macy's does, so I will count this job.

The Nana and I got away for a lovely day of browsing stores and have a leisurely lunch.

So of course we found ourselves either talking about or shopping for Bellerina 85% of the time.

We were an absolutely dynamite personal shopping team in Gap Kids.

Coat, dress, tights, matching hat, she's ready to go for Christmas Eve.

That's right, a very effective, AND very well prepared shopping team!

Truancy Officer $144

I took Bellerina to the swings today with her cousin, it should have been a nice, pleasant, unseasonably warm afternoon of swinging, sliding, see-sawing, and general fun-ing.

It was very close to ruined by a group of 12 year olds.

Clearly kids, this playground is not for you.

I kind of thought they might migrate away after actual children got there to use the park for its intended purpose, but they just gave us surly looks and continued to drop the F-bomb like they were alone.

So I found myself thinking "Shouldn't you be in school?" and I thought about turning them in.

Til I realized it was 3:30. So technically no.

Note to self: Go to the park before noon.

Little punks.

Artist $164

I mastered the most difficult art medium in the world today.

The toddler sized big crayon.

Probably for the first time since I started coloring with Bellerina I managed to stay totally in the lines with those bad boys.

It's like driving an 18 wheeler through The North End, those huge points just don't work with the pictures you're supposed to color.

I think that they do it on purpose so when kids start using smaller, regular sized crayons parents can rejoice and say "Wow, my daughter must be a genius, she's learned to color in the lines!"

No, you just stopped giving her crayons with points 5 times too large for the paper.

My Snoopy picture today was a masterpiece. For 5 minutes. Then it was fully covered in green.

Physicist $244

To be more specific, today I was a Physicist specializing in Electromagnetism.

My hypothesis is thus:

(17 months X child) + Mom + Thansgiving[T-7 days] = Clinging

The more that I have to do, the more that Bellerina would like to attach herself physically to me at all times. She knows that we're having 15 people over for Thanksgiving, that my inlaws are arriving next Tuesday, and that I'm desperately trying to get stuff done so that I'm not rushing around last minute like a full on lunatic.

She can sense it.

And that harried madness is like an electric charge, she must be near it, must attach herself to my leg and remind me that she's there all day with "Mama...mama...up...mama...up".

Good thing she's so dang cute.

Splash Mountain Custodian $80

I always wondered who had to clean up all the water around Splash Mountain when the day was done.

I actually used to think it might be a pretty cool job, sloshing through water and shlepping it back in to the pool. Like basically getting paid to play in a puddle.

That is until Bellerina decided to turn the bath in Nana's sink in to her own personal Splash Mountain.

She was a complete wild woman tonight!

Water up the walls, all over the windows, half way down the kitchen floor, and of course, Nana got the brunt of it.

So well my mom was getting her in her cozy PJs I was shlepping paper towels over the floor...not as fun as I had imagined.

Jordan's furniture marketing department $176

I am selling basically everyone I know on Jordan's Furniture's Enchanted Village.

Why?

Because I'm built for selling and it's just what I do, totally unintentionally and subconsciously.

But also because it is freaking free, and that is just flat out awesome.

Did you know that it costs about $25 to have your child's picture taken with Santa at a mall?

That is 2 cases of diapers (which as you know, once your a parent is how you judge all purchases).

At Jordans, it's free. Free I tell you. Just bring your own camera and snap a photo! Isn't that what everyone wants anyways? A digital image to forward to family and friends?

PLUS it comes with a walk through the sweet and charming Enchanted Village.

Oh, and they have blueberry muffins at the end. What do blueberry muffins have to do with Christmas? Well, if you have to ask then you're just not a Bostonian.

Rachael Ray recipe developer $431

If I were a recipe developer for Rachael Ray's show, or magazine, or line of hair care products, I would totally have a winner today!

I present to you meatball wontons with spicy tomato dipping sauce:

The stuffing is a turkey meatball, with onions, and fresh parsley, and the sauce is a mix of tomato sauce, balsamic vinegar and red pepper flakes. The best part about this meal? It basically is a fun way to eat spaghetti and meatballs with like 1/4 the calories since 8 wontons are only 160 calories.

PS I wanted to actually be Rachael Ray today but the husbando said that would be cheating on my annual salary because she makes a measly $16 million a year.

And while we're on the subject I would like it noted I can't believe she makes that much! If someone wants to pay me like $160,000 to do this stuff, I'd be a freaking bargain.

La Leche League outreach $144

I had the delightful pleasure of getting to go out to dinner tonight with a good friend from college who I haven't seen in WAY too long, her roomie and Bellerina.

Somehow the conversation turned to breast feeding, as I truly never realized was possible before Bellerina, but it turns out, all roads lead to boobs.

Of course I boiled the reasons to breastfeed down to my two big ones:

1. It's super convenient at 2am when you don't have to make a bottle

2. It burns 500 calories a day. 500!!

Just in case you're keeping track that means that you could drink like a whole carton of egg nog. Not that anyone would want to do that (except me perhaps) but I'm just saying you COULD.

Poet $86

I thought I was going to have to resort to rhyming to get Bellerina to eat tonight so I composed a little ditty:

Mozzarella Portobellah

and Teeny-Weenie Tortellini

Repeat and repeat

Until you EAT!

But it turns out that the poem was only needed for the tortellini because she went bananas over the mushrooms. Go figure!

And yes, I know that it's portobello...but that's just not how we say it in Boston.

Twilight Zone Writer $365

If I were a Twilight Zone writer, my episode would start something like this:

It was a bleak, rainy night, dark as obsidian and bone chillingly cold, when through the window of a small house we see an impossible sight.

There is a baby in highchair, she is voluntarily eating and asking for fish!

Fish I say!

Run away, RUN AWAY!

(Ok, so it kind of turned in to Monty Python at the end but you get the picture!)

Contestant on Top Chef $150

While spending the weekend in Jersey, I had to endure a very intense interview.

My father in law asked me to make the risotto for dinner.

Sort of!

First I had to give a play by play of how I make risotto, and then I was told "No garlic or wine, add butter, and you have to use at least two boxes of stock".

He did his best to not watch over my shoulder.

But I was still totally nervous.

I'll take the grueling interview, it meant that I got out of sleep duty! It's the worst trying to get Bellerina to go to sleep when she's not at home!

Bakery Owner $161

Today I was a baking machine.

Well...for me...since I don't bake.

I made coffee cake and granola.

The reason that I'm considering myself a bakery owner today is because miraculously I didn't eat either one! I packaged them right up to make the drive to NJ with us tonight.

Though honestly, the only reason I didn't eat them is because we don't have any yogurt in the house and I hate dry granola, AND I couldn't figure out how to cut out a piece of coffee cake and mash it back together to look "whole".

Bellerina "helped" me bake by sitting there and stirring the corks I put in a pot for her.

Yes corks. Like wine corks.

I realize it's probably not the best play food item, but hey, they were available!

Pictures to come tomorrow when I unwrap these goodies!

Disney World Employee $96

Ok, so technically Disney World would never hire me for Cinderella, apparently there are clauses about being blond, blue eyed, perky, and able to withstand 1,000 children you don't know wiping their noses on your dress and give you disgusting kisses.

But today I fully embodied Cinderella for Bellerina.

We went through everything that "Cinderella Mama" does, including finding a fairy Godmother for me (a very large stuffed hippo), a wand (paper towel roll) and Bellerina had a pair of glass slippers that were just a tad too small for me but it was pretend after all.

Someone please tell me that the princess obsession goes away!

I fear that next Halloween I will have to dress up as Malificent, which honestly, I'm better suited for physically and personality-wise.

REI Employee $84

I wasn't teaching Bellerina about climbing....Yet.

This morning however we did get to have a good discussion about winter preparedness and what it means to walk out the front door when it is below 30 degrees out.

She was on paraphernalia overload for a little why.

Wait...I have to wear a long sleeve, a fleece jacket, fleece pants, socks, super fluffy slippers, and a hat just to drive Dad to work?

I tried to explain that it would get worse when it felt like we were living at the top of Mount Washington, circa February 10th next year. Then she will be fully outfitted in a snow suit designed to withstand sub zero temperatures, icicles of death, and of course the vicious snow angel.

Rock the Vote volunteer $0

Today we taught Bellerina an important lesson.

You must vote!

In fact, while we waited in line to sign in, she kept yelling "I want vote!".

I believe that the woman behind us tried to inform her that she would have to wait a few years but she was having none of that and yelled back at her, "VOTE!".

Even if I get an Alex P. Keaton, I will still be proud that I taught her to vote.

Disappointed.

But proud.

Teenage leaf raker $25

I usually love raking leaves.

It's fantastic exercise, and it's outdoors, who doesn't love a workout under the sun?

Of course, I've never done it before with a toddler latched on to my leg.

Or worse, with that same toddler is trying to see through the fence to spot Daddy working out front, leaning on the fence with all her might, the same fence that is basically toothpicks (some of which are missing) held together by sheer willpower.

All in all Bellerina did a great job of watching me rake, and "helping" by grabbing the handle and screaming.

But next year I'm hiring a teenage babysitter so that I can clean up the yard in peace.

Sweet Potato Lobbyist $240

Before I even start this post I have to tell you that yes, there are lobbyists for sweet potatoes. At least there are in North Carolina. So I'm counting it.

Me: "Bellerina you loooove sweet potato"

Bellerina: "No", mouth closed, hands in front of mouth as a secondary defense against the evil Spoonius and his bounty of weaponized vegetable.

Me: "But it's sweet potato honey it's delicious, you love it, and it's orange!"

Bellerina: "No", still in defensive mode, now accompanied by a look that clearly says 'Mommy, you apparently need to look up the definition of the word love'

Airport Shuttle Driver $68

This morning we drove Nana and Karl to the airport as they flitted down to Florida for the weekend.

On the upside, Bellerina slept the entire way in.

On the downside, she totally decided that it was appropriate to wake up 1 mile from the airport.

Just in time to register their presence in the car, and of course, FREAK OUT when they left.

As they were pulling their luggage out of the back the lip started to go, and then when the hatch shut the slight lip quiver turned in to a "Naaaana" whine, which as we pulled out of the airport quickly dissolved in to a full on scream.

I'm pretty sure that the toll booth operator went home and told his wife that they're never having children.

Art Dealer $526

Today I became the proud owner of a beautiful, one of a kind piece of artwork.

It is absolutely breathtaking, and totally awesome, all at the same time.

I was very lucky to come across such a rare, and exquisite art piece.

That's right, today we received in the mail Bellerina's homemade Halloween costume from her Auntie Niecey. And I am not exaggerating at all when I tell you it is absolutely stunning.

I won't post pictures until Saturday though because it has to stay a surprise!

Detective $326

Bellerina had a lovely day with her aunt and her cousin Nick!

When I picked her up after work I noticed that her nose was absolutely covered with dirt! She looked like PigPen, exactly how a kid should look after a day in late October when the temperature reaches 70 degrees! But I was a little confused as to how all the dirt ended up just on her face.

So I asked her, "Belle, what happened to your nose? It's very dirty!".

To which she obligingly replied "Nose...buda...muumba...LEAVES!".

I later confirmed with my cousin that she was in fact taking massive handfuls of leaves and then sniffing them and saying "MMMM".

Ah, the joys of Fall.

Caterer $142

Today I had the pleasure of catering a small engagement party!

Sure, I'm one of the matrons of honor, and we were throwing it at my friends house, but technically since I cooked a badonka (spelling on that one?) load of food I think it counts as catering!

Plus I had a sous chef (yay Stepha!), so that makes me like the head chef of the catering company. Perhaps I should have bumped up the pay a little (considering a psychic makes more!).

It was a lovely time, and Bellerina got to make a new friend at the party, and she devoured my guacamole per usual.

And everyone who has never met my little bundle of odd taste buds was very confused when she wanted guacamole and key lime tart instead of a cupcake.

I don't pretend to understand her random food obsessions, I just role with them.

Psychic $320

I have had a vision.

Today I watched my little brother (6 years old) for a few hours in the afternoon.

Watching him and Bellerina run around, getting him to help me with stuff, watching how he played with her, I could vision for the first time in my life what it will be like to have two kids.

And it is awesome!

Now, don't anyone tell husbando this, because he wants to have another one like last week and I'm just not ready yet.

But for the first time I can really see what it will be like!

Well, except I had actually showered because I only had one in the morning, so I guess it will be like that, but smellier.

Daycare employee $144

I have tried employing the Duggar tactic for sharing by making it sound like a positive thing "You get to share! Isn't that exciting?" (And people told me that no good would come from watching that show!)

It kind of works...a little...except that the more I tell her sharing is FUN the more I think she's misinterpreting the meaning of the word fun.

Today Bellerina did a pretty good job of sharing with her best friend Teddy. She did have a tiny fit when he took her coffee cup, but honestly who can blame her? And there was a mild outburst over a Thomas the Train book.

But when all was said and done I think that she is moving on up in the world of sharing and social behavior.

Now that I've said that, watch her rip a cookie out of his hand on Saturday. It will be my own fault for jinxing this.

Bard $0.75

If I were born in the 17th century, I definitely would have been a bard.

I'm just saying, this is totally one of the jobs I'm best at.

MUCH better then I am at being a Ninja.

This morning in the ongoing battle that is GettyBellerinaToDrinkburg I employed a new tactic.

I laid down next to her and recited her favorite book, The Big Jump.

Never heard of it?

That's because it is a horrific book that I think was only in print from 1981-1982 and probably sold 5 copies. One of which is at my mother's house, and Bellerina found in some pile of long forgotten books, that I assume my mother forgot to burn.

Apparently my rendition was rousing enough to distract her from her sippy cup hatred long enough to get her to drink some milk.

Mission accomplished.

(They got paid next to nothing and were basically servants to the King, but yes, I am conveniently giving the bard a daily salary of $0.75 to get rid of that damn quarter.)

Grief Counselor $111

Bellerina still has not come to terms with the disappearance of the bottles.

She drinks maybe half a glass in the morning, and if I'm lucky another half glass throughout the day.

While that has significantly increased her food intake, she is still a little off-kilter.

I tried to have a conversation with her today while she was screaming her head off.

Why did I try to reason with a 17 month old?

Because I'm at the end of my rope and it's the last stupid thing I could think of to do!

She did not understand that the bottles have gone to a better place, or that they had a good long life with her, she really didn't want to hear a single word of it.

I shall persevere tomorrow.

Perhaps I will try dressing her sippy cup up like Elmo...

Yoga instructor $96

I am moderate at best when I go to a yoga class.

But I love it, and I do practice at home.

Little did I know that a certain someone was paying very close attention.

I have been unintentionally creating a mini-yogi.

Divorce Attorney $369

In the case of Bellerina v. Bottle, I offer up the following terms:

1. That there be an immediate severance of contact

2. That Bottle take refuge in a Witness Protection program, we recommend the highly regarded Mama-Hide-In-Closet

3. Bellerina shall not be allowed visitation until further notice, as she will take advantage of any sign of weakness shown by Bottle

4. That all consumption of milk shall be removed to the land of Sippy Cup indefinitely

Bellerina offered this up in response to my proposed terms "BBBOOOOOOTTTTTLLLLEEEE!"

Which I shall take to mean "No."

Project Runway Contestant $0

Apparently I did not "make it work" today.

I got Bellerina all dressed in a super cute outfit, got her shoes on her, hair done, even her rain coat matched.

Then she comes toddling over to me holding up her new pink sneakers, crying, "Shoes mama, shoes".

I said "You already have shoes on baby!"

That answer produced a more emphatic "Shoes MAMA Shoes!" as I got the pink sneakers shoved in my face.

I didn't realize the translation was "I want THESE shoes mama, can't you see that they would look better then what's on my feet??! What is wrong with you? This is obviously a pink sneaker outfit."

I am in Trouble (Capital T), and I have no one to blame but myself.

Mental Institution Guard $136

It was flu shot day.

Evil, awful, day.

Bellerina screamed her head off and thrashed around like a complete lunatic until the nurse had to ask me to hold her down and pin her arms at her sides.

Was that in response to the needle?

Oh no.

That was in response to the nurse trying to check her breathing and ears to make sure she wasn't sick.

Apparently the stethoscope is an instrument of torture.

By the time we came to the shot phase she just watched it go in to her arm and looked at me like "Well, why couldn't we do that earlier instead of the cold, evil, ring of death?".

Monkey Trainer $92

Whenever I want Bellerina to show off something new that she's learned in front of a group of people she clams up and gives me the "I am not a trained monkey" look of disdain.

Today, she performed quite nicely for her Mema and Neno on video conference.

Not only did she say several new words, but she pulled out the phrase "Watch for rain".

I am a proud trainer.

Is there something wrong with comparing my lovely Bellerina to a trained chimp? Yes.

But sometimes doesn't it feel like that when you just want them to show off for a minute?

Psychiatrist $557

Before I even get started, yes I know that I've already used psychologist as a job, but these are two different professions, psychiatrists can prescribe drugs.

If my drug of choice is a blueberry pancake from Strawberry Fair, so be it.

My mom and I took Bellerina our for a pancake the size of her this afternoon.

She ate half of the plate sized, half an inch thick, part cornbread, part flour stuffed with blueberries piece of yummy goodness. (If you haven't noticed the theme here, my child is a genetically predisposed carboholic)

When the remainder of the pancake was removed from the table so that it could be boxed up it resulted in some serious emotional distress.

There was pointing, there were tears, there was massive separation anxiety.

The only cure?

The best drug known to man, more blueberry pancake.

Denise Austin $384

Today I hawked Idaho Potatoes like I was getting paid for it.

I put on my best fitness guru smile, did a little head tilting, and somehow convinced Bellerina that she likes potatoes.

Before tonight I'd never actually successfully gotten her to each a potato.

Mashed, baked, as a salad covered in vinegar, as a french fry, all of them ended up half-masticated on the highchair seat.

But not tonight!

Thank you Denise, for showing me how to effectively sell spuds.

Kindergarten teacher $123

The husbando took our car to work today. Yes we are a one car family, yes I know that we're like the only ones left in that category.

So Bellerina and I were home all day, in the rain, finding various ways to occupy our time!

I have never sang "Itsy Bitsy Spider" so many times in my life, and I probably mean cumulatively, but after every rendition she gave me a quality standing ovation, so I guess I can't complain.

Then we colored our little hearts out for at least an hour.

Then we kind of sat there and stared at each other.

Until I made the mistake of reading "It's Spring" to her, once I read that book the first time I might as well get comfortable because it's a chorus of "Again, Again!" until I read it 100 times.

Honestly, I don't know how kindergarten teachers do it, I only had one kid in front of me, and I was worn out!

Political Speech Writer $223

I wouldn't say that what we told Bellerina tonight was lying.

It was more fashioning the truth in a way that made it more appealing to her pre-existing prejudices.

Was the mushroom risotto technically "White Sauce" like we told her?

I suppose not if you're going to be technical about the definition of sauce.

But did it appeal to her pre-existing propensity for liking things that have "sauce" on them?

Yes, yes it did.

So I challenge my opponents to prove that risotto is not in fact a sauce.

I will send Glenn Beck after you. So help me, I will.

Border Patrol agent $183

Bellerina is like the Switzerland of this house, she feels like because she has yet to publicly announce her agenda (we know you have one, you're not fooling anybody) and remains "neutral and impartial" she should be allowed to travel wherever she wants to unfettered.

Not so my dear, not so.

In this house there is some strict border patrol.

And it only rears it's ugly cigarette and food confiscating head when Mama needs some alone time.

For example, at 7:05 this morning when Mama really just needed to take a shower and get ready for work and you got shut out of the bathroom.

I was semi-heartbroken by your crying outside the door for the first few minutes, and then really, I just wanted to take a shower in peace.

So unfortunately you did not receive your visa in to the bathroom until we were ready to accept immigrants at 7:15am, clean and refreshed.

Thank goodness Dada was available to offer you temporary political asylum.

Mountaineer $10

It is amazing how little mountaineers make when they exert such extreme effort, I mean, even the professional ones pretty much blow whatever they get paid by sponsors (I'm talking to you North Face) on their next adventure.

This morning at 9:50am we were sitting around, planning on going to Target after her 1030am nap when I had an epiphany. There are only so many days left before the horrid cold, dreariness of winter so I said "Self, get your sorry ass out there".

The three of us, Bellerina, husbando and mama were out the door and on Blue Hills before you could say boo. Like literally out the door by 10, and it felt great!

We got to show Bellerina the value of an early morning hike that is rewarded by a beautiful view of the Boston skyline, and a side bar of feeling accomplished for the day.

I am super impressed by husbando who hiked the whole way with an extra 30 pounds in the form of Bellerinabackpackius, a very squirmy species.

Stand up comic $100

Today I had a funny story to tell. One of those things that's only really funny 2 hours after it happens, and if it didn't happen to you.

Bellerina was having a bit of an off day today.

And at one point she was standing outside of the bathroom door, banging on it, screaming her head off....for about 10 minutes.

Why?

Because I wouldn't let her play with tampons.

That's right.

Somehow she got herself in to a box of tampons and was throwing them in the air, laughing. It was literally raining tampons.

When I put them back in the cabinet, a fit of massive proportions ensued.

I realized the hilarity of tampon confetti about an hour after she stopped screaming!

CDC employee $177

I totally issued a quarantine today.

We went to visit a good friend's brand new baby girl, aged only 2 weeks.

Is Bellerina sick? No.

Does she have even a sign of a runny nose? No.

Why the quarantine then?

Because I have no idea where those hands have been, and I am home with her all day.

I mean no idea.

Do I think that she put her hand in poop today or used the cat's water bowl as a playground? No, I don't.

Can I be positive? Not even close.

So tonight she had two hours of quarantine time, strictly enforced by "Gampy" who ran around the house with her and let her have ice cream. So the life of quarantine isn't too tough.

Criminal $100

I am a felon.

Not a misdemeanor marijuana possession situation, a lock me up, throw away the key, felon.

I broke a law.

A big one.

I took Bellerina in to bed with me in the guest room after she woke up this morning.

I'm at my wits end.

She goes to sleep at 8:30, and for the last week she's been waking up at 5:30. I don't need to sleep until 8 or anything crazy, but I would like the first digit to be a 6. Don't care if it's followed by :05 or :40, just at least give me a 6 for the love of Christ.

So I broke down.

And I committed a cardinal sin.

Lock me up, no really, please, lock me up. I hear you don't have to wake up in there til like 7.

Dishwasher $60

I know that we're all dishwashers almost every day.

Moms, non-moms, Klingons and Sarah Palin, I'm sure that we all wash dishes, no matter what weird species we are.

But some days it feels like a major accomplishment for some reason!

Today was totally one of those days...after I got done doing a sink full of dishes I felt like I'd run a marathon.

Ok, maybe not a marathon since I would probably expire, but like a road race with hills, which would still be super tough for me.

I looked back at the sink and thought "wow, that is some sparkling clean awesomeness".

And then Bellerina wanted yogurt.

But it was fun while it lasted.

Anti-Atikins Crusader $0

I'm sure that there would be pay for this job, but I would do it for free.

For the purpose of full disclosure I should tell you all that I am a certified carboholic and therefore my view on Atkins may be slightly askew.

What should I have fed Bellerina for dinner tonight?

Probably some of the lovely turkey lasagna that was lovingly prepared at our friend's home.

What did I actually feed her?

Garlic Bread.

Why?

1. Because I knew that she would like it.

2. I didn't want to deal with the "Please try this" fight at a friend's house.

3. I firmly believe that carbs alone are a full and nutritious meal.

Stay bready my friends.

Spanish Teacher $200

Yes this is a joke.

My Spanish is dismal at best.

But you know what?

My Spanish is better than Bellerina's!

So take THAT Rosetta Stone!

I've been trying to teach her the rudimentary set of vocabulary words that I know for every day objects because Spanish was the husbando's first language and we'd love for her to be bilingual.

The minor hitch in that plan of course being that the person who is most often home with her (moi) does not have a good grasp on the language. I pretty much add an "o" to the end of every word and hope I'm right.

This is a particular problem with the word 'home'.

Customs Employee $96

Call me crazy if you will, but this is my current stance at the customs check point that is what goes in to Bellerina's belly:

No french fries, especially not ones from McDonalds, shall pass the border of Pardoland.

I'm comfortable with the titles: "Hippy", "Uptight Hippy", "Uptight Hippy Freak" etc.

And before I get a bunch of "I said I'd never feed my kids fries from McDonalds but you will, trust me, some day you will.", I'm not judging.

I'm just saying, I don't eat that potato like product fried in lord knows what kind of ostrich fat, so neither is Bellerina. McDonalds is the devil. There, I said it. The devil.

Know what she did eat for lunch and loved that most people wouldn't let their kids touch? A goat cheese and avocado sandwich. That's right, gave my kid goat cheese at 16 months. The other spectrum of the food police can feel free to insert their personal opinion here:

Catholic Priest $57

Before anyone gets all up in arms, don't worry, I wasn't conducting a CCD class, or trying to explain the whole communion thing to Bellerina.

I simply succeeded today in making myself feel as guilty as possible for something completely banal and ridiculous.

I have been up since 5:45, not such a huge deal for most people, in fact I even know some lunatics (DI) who get up at that time voluntarily.

My goal of the day was to manage to squeeze in a workout (yay Insanity DVD) after Bellerina went to sleep.

But I just can't do it.

Like I think that I literally physically cannot do high knees for 2 minutes, much less 20.

I feel horrifically guilty about this.

What could I have done differently so that I had enough energy to workout right now?? Pretty much nothing short of taking a nap at my desk today and that just wasn't going to happen.

Does that make me feel less guilty?

No.

I've done a pretty good job at sermoning myself in to a giant guilty funk.

Voice Coach $600

Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday Auntie Meggy, Happy Birthday to You!

No matter how many times I sang that to Bellerina today she just would not repeat it for my cousin!

I tried, and tried, and tried to show her how to hit the notes, how to say the words, but alas, I think that I was being too ambitious with her first vocal coaching lesson.

Or perhaps it was a sign that I should never, ever sing around my daughter as my voice resembles a herd of cats.

Anger Management Instructor $168

Let me set a scene:

My mother in law, father in law, sister in law and her fiancee are over tonight.

I have gone to the grocery store every day for the past 4 days, but yesterday I made an appropriate list and got all my ingredients for a fantastic eggplant parm.

I slept about 5 hours last night.

The eggplant has been sliced and draining for 2 hours.

I am cranky when I don't sleep.

Oven preheated, eggplant floured and egged and in the oven. The same thing that I've done countless times before.

I must have dozed off and accidentally put cement on the eggplant instead of egg. As every slice of eggplant is now stuck to the cookie tray like a 13 year old to Justin Beiber.

Do I freak out? Do I scream my head off? Do I swear at the cookie sheet like a deranged lunatic while I bang it mercilessly against the countertop?

No, I scrape the cookie sheet contents directly in to the trash, sling my purse over my shoulder and go get the ingredients for paninis.

That is anger management.

It is probably the final appearance of anger management in my life for at least 6 months.

Nature Guide $96

Today we took my MIL and FIL to Borderland Park in Easton, and trekked the extremely well kept 3.25 mile trail around the water.

Surprisingly Bellerina even enjoyed it this time.

That would be because this round was spent in her brand new (to us) hiking carrier, instead of a stroller.

Last time I came here I thought it would be a good idea to push her in the carriage, I should have turned around 100 yards in to the trip when the wheels were buried 3/4 of the way up with gravel and I was leaving ruts the size of elephant tracks behind me. But oh no, I forged on.

Somewhere toward the end when I was sweating like a greased pig (weird saying since pigs can't sweat), and popping a wheelie every 7 seconds to get her over tree roots that reached up to my knees, I believe I let out a few choice words that ended with the phrase "I will never BLEEPing come to this BLEEPing place again with a BLEEPing baby"...at least that's what I remember saying, the actual words were drowned out by her screams.

So I have to give it to the husbando, the hiking carrier was a good purchase. As long as we use it once a week until she's the max of 40 pounds. Bellerina, get ready for snowshoeing.

Walmart Human Resources $80

Human resources would definitely be a bad profession for me to have, I'm relatively intolerant and have almost no patience with adults.

However, today I did pretty well at training my little Walmart greeter.

When someone walks in the door you say "Hi!", with a welcoming smile and clean teeth.

It did take Bellerina about 3 minutes to warm up to her greeting role when Mema and Neno got here, but they my little greeter went above and beyond her job description.

She walked around in a circle giving big hugs to everyone who just came in the door!

I'll consider it a training success.

Railroad Handcar Operator $0.25

You may read that title and think that you don't know what I'm talking about.

You do.

It's that little seesaw thingy that you see old pictures of on the railroads, with one person on either side of a level pumping like mad to get down the tracks.

That was me, at the playground today, bouncing Bellerina around like a lunatic on the seesaw. She sat back (decided it wasn't important for her to hold on) and enjoyed the ride while I looked like a total loon on the seesaw by myself. Ok, I had a partner in crime for a minute, but let's just say Teddy was not as enamored with the seesaw as Bellerina.

PS In case you were wondering, people race these bad boys: http://www.handcarracing.com/php/Master.php?pg=6

Art Teacher $235

Today I gave Bellerina her first art lesson.

It wasn't about color, or forms, or symmetry, or even coloring in the lines.

It was, of course, about the appropriate places to color.

From the kitchen I heard an odd sound... peeking around the corner to the living room I saw the inevitable... blue crayon being enthusiastically dragged across the hardwood floor.

I have been vowing to maintain calm in moments that are not potentially harmful, so I set up our lesson.

Pulled out the giant coloring book, put it down on the floor next to her new design, and said "Coloring on the paper, YES, coloring on the floor, NO, Paper, YES, Floor, NO!"

Oddly enough, I think that she got it.

Until tomorrow morning.

High School Guidance Counselor $219

This morning, while the husbando and I were getting ready to hit the BC Football game I gave a little out loud lecture to Bellerina on the finer points of choosing a school.

1. Make sure it has a football team (USC and BC qualify)

2. Maroon and Gold is good (Again, USC and BC)

3. National Championships are better (Sorry BC)

I'd be cool with her going to anywhere that makes her happy, as long as we get one thing clear, UCLA is not on the list.

NOT on the list.

And I guess a good academic program is important too.

Zombie $0

I'm assuming that Bellerina waking up at 4:30, crying until 5:15, sleeping for 15 minutes, then being up for the day at 5:30 was my punishment for Book Club.

Perhaps I shall rescind yesterday's job and teach her never to read for enjoyment...or drink on a Thursday night, which I guess is the bigger lesson.

I spent all day walking about like Night of the Living Dead...is that a movie? Someone told me once that is a movie. Am I really writing this or am I dreaming about writing it? I don't even remember how to spell my middle name today.

And could I fall asleep while she was taking her morning nap?

Of course not.

Time to go eat brains...then go to Ikea. (Hopefully there's a Christopher Moore fan out there)

Literacy Advocate $80

I tell Bellerina every day how important reading is.

But today I explained to her the value that reading has, not just as a tool to help you understand and maneuver in the world, or to escape it, but to give you the green light for drinking wine on a Thursday night.

That's right.

Today I explained the power of The Book Club.

Why do we read Bellerina?

To learn as much as we can, and enjoy stories, and expand our imaginations.

Why else do we read Bellerina?

To talk to our girlfriends about what character is probably the best looking, drink wine, and say the things about books that we wanted to say in college, but didn't for decorum's sake.

Aerobics Instructor $104

I've decided that I need to get started on my working out at home. Kick it into a slightly higher gear instead of my usual 3-4 days a week of lifting/situps/jumping jacks in the living room.

So I'm tacking on 2-3 days a week of the Insanity DVDs... basically P90X with another name.

Today I tried to get my first half hour workout in during Bellerina's morning play time.

I narrated for her what I was doing, and counted it out as a learning exercise. Plus, it's a way better workout if you actually count aloud.

I bet it would have worked if she didn't seem to think that I need to workout more.

While I was doing jump squats she kept getting in the way at the last second to force a speed move out of me.

And during pushups she tried to sit on my back. Every time.

Should I be concerned?

Anatomy Professor $300

I may have gotten overly ambitious.

Bellerina knows a lot of her body parts, so I figured why not add one more?

I seem to have tripped the switch, her brain is now on overload.

She used to know where her belly was.

Now she lifts up her shirt, rubs her belly and yells "Bum Bum Bum!".

Why?

Because Mama thought it would be clever and funny if Bellerina shook her booty and said "Bum, bum, bum!".

What we have here is a backfire.

Mover $151

I moved my youngest cousin in to college today.

I am officially 110 years old.

My aunt and I took my cousin to her first day of college, it was so exciting thinking back to my first day, and all the anticipation combined with out right fear.

But it was also bittersweetly enlightening to watch my aunt as her youngest child said "I'm all set, you guys can go if you want to".

We managed to get out of there with no tears but when we got to my house my aunt dove in to giving Bellerina a bath and very calmly said "This was her yesterday, you have no idea how fast it goes".

Everyone says that to you all the time after you have a baby, but once in a while it really strikes you how important it is to heed their advice and enjoy every second.

Watching my aunt go from leaving her youngest in a dorm room to giving Bellerina a bath was one of those moments when it really sunk in.

Meteorologist $338

Ok, so technically Hurricane Earl was a major fizzle and bust.

However, it did present prime opportunity for me to do some "how weather works" explaining to Bellerina.

The winds were decent, and there was precipitation at about 3 in the afternoon.

So of course Bellerina was banging on the door to the backyard yelling "Out, out".

I picked her up and we gazed out the window while I patiently explained to her that it was raining, which meant she would get wet if she went outside, and there were winds, and something called a "Category 1 Hurricane" was on its way to our humble sector of the country.

To a 15 month old that roughly translates as "Blah, blah, blah, wet", which is of course on the top 10 favorite things list for that age.

All I did was increase her desire to go outside, kind of like those idiots who walk out on the jetty's and piers when a storm is coming.

Firestone Tire Employee $96

Technically I wasn't blowing up tires.

It was a kiddy pool.

BUT I was using an air compressor that plugs in to a car cigarette lighter and is intended for tires.

Therefore, it counts.

My husbando told me that the air compressor was easy to use.

I have a newfound respect for people who do this for a living. I was afraid of it blowing up in my face and it's just a child's pool, I can only imagine the fear when it's a tire for an 18 wheeler.

Perhaps it is an easy contraption to use, when it's not 310 degrees outside, with a baby clinging to your leg afraid of the sound the compressor makes, and the little attachment thingy (I'm sure there's a technical term) actually stays in place instead of shooting out of the air hole every 17 seconds.

After 15 minutes of sweating bullets trying to inflate her kiddy pool I totally trudged back in to the house, baby on one hip, pool in hand, and finished it with a manual pump that is meant for my exercise ball, where ever that may be.

And let me just say as an aside, all those minions of Satan that you read about in the Bible who were raining fire and brimstone on Sodom and Gomorrah, they all work at the kiddy pool factories now, making them as difficult as possible.

Broadway chorus performer $300

After Wicked I'm assuming that they will make a musical out of Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister, Gregory Maguire's much underrated ode to Cinderella.

When they do I will be waiting in the wings to take my place as a prominent member of the chorus.

I can't sing? Well no, I suppose I can't, but I already have a loyal following in one Bellerina.

I have a fully choreographer performance of "The Work Song" from Disney's Cinderella that has gotten rave reviews (5 Yay's) and countless standing ovations.

It includes the very difficult spinning around in circles and then pretending to be dizzy, including mock eye roll.

Forget the chorus, I'm thinking I should just choreograph this bad boy.

Mr. Maguire, I'd appreciate a shout out when you get this next piece rolling, we are both from MA after all.

Hair Styling Instructor $144

Today I got my hair cut.

Finally!

For 6 months I've been wanting to cut it but I keep getting talked out of it by an anonymous person (Husbando, you know who you are).

My beloved hair dresser of lord only knows how many years came to my mother's house tonight to do our hair.

Bellerina was of course sticking her nose right in the middle of everything! So we spent a good part of the time explaining to her that Mama was getting her hair cut, and that Nana had been taken over by aliens.

She thought that the foils in Nana's hair were the funniest thing ever! If anyone reading this didn't know my mom highlights her hair, then I'm talking about a fictional person, of course.

So Bellerina got a full lesson in cutting and coloring hair, but I assure you that no scissors are going near those gorgeous locks until she's like 3!

Sub Shop Delivery Driver $64

Ok, so I was cook, packer and delivery driver, and I supposed technically I should include "plus tips" next to my $8 an hour salary but you get the idea!

Today I packed up a yummy picnic for the family and we went and had an al fresco lunch in the hopes that some fresh air would get rid of the horrible nose cold that Bellerina has.

It totally didn't work but we had a pretty good lunch, if I do say so myself.

I drove over to a little park just past Easton center loaded down with a mozzarella and guacamole sandwich for Bellerina, with a side of dill pickle and some fresh cut watermelon for dessert.

She is obsessed with guacamole, the more lemon and garlic, the better.

Definitely inherited her tastebuds from her parents!

The picnic was delicious, and afterwards there were S-W-I-N-G-S! But they didn't seem to knock the snot out of her. Darn it.

Barnes and Noble Theft Recovery $64

Yes, I should have known better then to bring Bellerina in to Barnes and Noble.

Rookie mistake.

In line checking out what is eye level for her?

One of the books that she has at home.

She doesn't seem to understand why I'm taking it out of her hands and putting it back on the shelf.

Initiate screaming.

I saved Barnes and Noble from a rouge baby book stealing ring.

Ninja $190

No one can escape the Kleenex Ninja Mama.

No one.

You can try to hide that snotty nose with a quick backhand across your nostrils, but Kleenex Ninja Mama will always get there first.

Her steely determination to save your hair and hands from snot makes her unstoppable.

Hiya!

Flight Attendant $192

Taking a child on an airplane is a scarier experience then giving birth.

Giving birth is natural.

Sticking 150 people 1/2" away from total strangers in a hot metal tube and suspending them 20,000 feet over land is not.

I was well stocked.

A half hour in to the flight I supplied her with a pillow (me), and she took a nice nap.

When she woke up we started our in flight service of a cold 7 ounces of milk, followed by a quick diaper change.

Then we had a nice dinner of banana and Cheerios while watching an in flight cartoon.

Aside from minor fussing, and the probably less than cute habit of saying "hi" to the woman next to me 25 times, it went well.

Restaurant Critic $288

Cafe Gabbiano, Siesta Key, FL.

5 stars from both myself and Bellerina.

I will start with Bellerina's assessment, she had the super fancy meatball and ziti with sauce. She was literally flapping her arms with joy every time she was given a bite of the meatball and she "Mmmmm"ed with each piece of pasta. How did I know that she gave it five stars? Every time I took longer then 17 seconds to give her the next piece she yelled "EAT! EAT!".

Now, those of you who know me will know that this next statement is not to be taken lightly:

I had the best meal I've ever eaten in my life there. Ever.

A whole Dover sole, deboned table side, in a white wine and butter sauce with escarole sauteed with garlic slivers.

The fish was a pillow goodness, perfectly cooked, with an amazing, not overpowering sauce.

If you are ever in FL, within an hour drive, go. It's located in a strip mall, but don't let that deter you, gorgeous interior, phenomenal food. My father is probably still talking about his veal.

Baggage Handler $85

Bellerina's baggage tag should read:

Falmouth->Brockton->Tampa

The Brockton layover is approximately 11 hours.

I managed to get everything she needed there, on time, and without massive damage.

Though a container of baby shampoo weaseled its way out of the safety of a plastic bag, and managed to hit two dresses, no major disasters.

I rule.

Samaritan $0

When I say Samaritan here, I'm not just referring to a nice person who picks your $5 off the sidewalk when you drop it and runs to catch up with you and return it.

I'm talking about the people you call when you're about to jump off a bridge. They have a sign when you're heading on to the Bourne Bridge, just in case you're super ambitious and seriously depressed at the same time. (It would be almost literally impossible to maneuver your way in to a jumpable position on the Bourne Bridge)

Today I spent 20 minutes trying to convince Bellerina that it was not actually the world's most horrible travesty that Mama and Dada wanted to take a family portrait on the beach. In fact, it could be kind of fun if she would just smile.

Just one teeny little smile.

Teeny.

Things will get better, it's going to be ok, you can do this, just one picture at a time, you're a lucky little girl...etc...etc.

I failed.

DPW employee $173

Typically if there is something wrong with your water, you call your city's DPW office and chat with a secretary for a few minutes, who assigns your job to a field worker, and eventually someone shows up and messes around with a fire hydrant outside, comes in your house with a wrench and jiggles a few things then tells you to give it 10 minutes and it should be all set.

Can you see that I've gone through this a few times?

Today I had a more direct line to my disgruntled water customer.

It went something like this:

Step 1: Fill bucket in the ocean, bring blanket side to baby so she can play with water and be under the umbrella.

Step 2: Watch as water gets dumped all over your towel.

Step 3: Interpret baby screams.

Step 4: Repeat process

I was a water hauling mule for hours. But it was worth every second when she waged war on the bunnies we made with the wet sand. She even had a battle cry, "Bye-Bye Bunny!" before she squished each one in to oblivion.

Optometrist $403

On the reverse coin of last night's awe inspiring psychological journey in to the wonder of loving your child I woke up this morning to a finger in the eye.

At around 5:45am Bellerina woke up and couldn't put herself back to sleep, strange room, 9 hours of sleep already, just a general non-conducive situation.

So I laid down in bed with her hoping to lull her back to sleep and squeeze in an extra hour for myself.

At approximately 6:45 I woke up to, "Eye...Eye...Eye" accompanied by a delightful stabbing to my left retina.

On the upside, I can still see. On the downside, I think she's figured out that is a fast way to wake up Mommy.

Psychologist $300

Since Bellerina is in a new environment this week she needs a little more TLC before she can fall asleep.

Usually I find this to be a annoyance.

But as I was laying there tonight, next to my baby, watching her stare back at me, with her hand on my arm, all cuddled up, I was just completely overcome with emotion.

How is it possible to love one little thing this much?

Shouldn't I just explode from this?

How can I so often overlook the adorable and precious moments like this because I'm more concerned that she's not following her normal sleep routine?

It was a good reminder that I need to slow down and enjoy what's around me, and every precious minute that I get with her.

Especially the ones that make your heart swell up so big that you're certain it's not normal.

Weight Watchers Consultant $104

Before you crucify me for saying I was a Weight Watchers consultant to a baby, let me explain!

To make it down the Cape for our vacation without sitting in 1,000 hours of traffic at the bridge we left at 7am. Of course, we couldn't check in to our cottage until noon.

The solution to killing that much time with a baby starts with breakfast.

Bellerina got a special treat, blueberry pancakes.

I ordered the children's size.

I'm not sure how large the children are who typically go to this restaurant, but clearly they only serve children of NBA players, who are trying to break Guiness World Records.

When Bellerina's pancakes came (that's right, plural), there were two enormous plate sized pancakes stacked on top of each other. Without exaggeration I'm guessing 10 inches across, with a 3/4 inch thickness. Insane.

Bellerina was undaunted as she dove in to the blueberry goodness.

After she had finished 3/4 of the first pancake, and showed no signs of slowing down I literally couldn't watch her eat anymore.

Where she put 6 pounds of pancake I still haven't figured out.

But I totally called breakfast on her and removed the pancake.

Personal Assistant $146

True story: I was getting my hair done at a salon in Norwell once and the girl in the chair next to me was Steven Tyler's personal assistant. And she spent the whole 45 minutes she was there complaining about how she had to go to his house at 11pm that night and pack his bags after he went to sleep so that they were ready when he woke up the next day to go to Malaysia or something crazy.

Today I was her.

Bellerina is asleep.

Tomorrow morning she will magically have a bag with her favorite clothes, toys, books (Ain't Gonna Paint No More has come out of retirement), diapers, sippy cups...you know, pretty much everything that Steven Tyler probably wants packed too.

And when she gets up her personal assistant will whisk her in to an outfit, and out the door for a 1st class travel experience, she will be deposited in front of a stack of blueberry pancakes before she realizes she's even awake.

I think that I would rather be Bellerina than Steven Tyler though. Her bag will be packed and waiting tomorrow morning, but she didn't have to suffer through 20 years of brain damage to get that service.

PS In case anyone cares...is anyone reading this?...we're on vacation next week, I will update when I can, but I'll still be keeping track for a big update next Saturday night! So don't give up on me, I'll be writing while I'm beaching it!

Mythbuster $1,000

When my mother's generation was having babies someone perpetuated a myth that she found out first hand today is in fact just that, a myth, totally unfounded in reality.

The incident that destroyed this myth forever went something like this:

Bellerina is in the tub at my mom's house.

Bellerina looks at my mom and says "poop".

Nana replies "No, no honey, babies don't poop in the tub".

3 second pause

"Oh my God! You pooped in the tub!!!"

Bellerina then looks at my mom as if to say "Did I not just tell you I was pooping? Why are you surprised?"

So my mother got Bellerina out of the tub, got out a plastic bag and used it to scoop poop out of the tub as though she was taking a dog for a walk, and then proceeded to immediately bleach the tub.

Moral of the story, when Bellerina was younger I expressed concern about an incident like this to my mother who said "Babies don't poop in the tub".

Myth Busted!

Lawyer in a Custody Battle $369

Bellerina is very blessed to have two loving aunts on my father's side. They are alike in a few ways, dark, curly, slightly untamable hair, astounding artistic ability, and a constant desire to be the one and only person Bellerina is paying attention to.

I am equally as lucky as my daughter, because I get to go to the beach, and they spend so much time fighting over who is going to watch her that I actually get to tan for more then 6 minutes!

So today there was a lot of "I'm taking her in to the water", "Fine then, I'm coming too!".

And plenty of glares while one was feeding her.

And of course, the obligatory yelling to get her attention while the other aunt is holding her.

She just loves the heck out of both of them, and she can say both their names, so no one is on top of that contest.

Fortunately today we had amicable joint custody!

Newspaper Reporter $131

I wrote a fun personal interest story today.

It wasn't actually for a newspaper, it was for my friend who I haven't seen in many moons.

Details of Bellerina's latest achievements, walking, talking, poking me in the eye to wake me up (with her feet).

I had to fit enough useful information in to keep her reading, when you have a baby you might want to look in to getting a Bumbo, without turning in to Dr. Spock.

And of course, I had to brag about Bellerina enough to make me happy, but not so much that she just skimmed the whole email.

All in all I think I put together a good piece, hopefully I get a letter to the editor back with a few witty comments about the things I said.

But, it might just go out in to the abyss of written but not read.

I guess that's the chance you take when you're reporting on something you love, but your readers don't feel quite the same way about!

Public Relations Representative $269

My sister in law and her fiancee had a super fantastically beautiful engagement party!

It was a perfect, intimate, friends and family meet and greet!

Bellerina was not as in love with it as I was.

She was totally overwhelmed when 43 people descended on my in-laws house.

Therefore I spent the majority of the night covering up for her bad behavior:

"Usually she doesn't scowl like this, I think she's a little overwhelmed"

"She smiles when you call her name, try that!" (Secretly tickling her foot)

Of course, everyone was a lot more understanding then if my client was shaving her head and beating cars with umbrellas, not that I've ever heard of anyone doing that, I'm just saying that PR Reps job would be a lot harder then mine was.

She pulled through in the end, once she isolated herself in front of a book of pictures of my husband as a baby, the smiles came out and she was jolly as could be. Of course, we got sneaky photographic evidence of this, because no one at the party would believe us.

Calligrapher $100

I'm a very lucky girl and my sister in law totally trusts me.

So she let me do the calligraphy on a sign that she was posting for her beautiful engagement party!

So while Annabelle was being entertained elsewhere I was able to write out a little something without worrying about getting a pen up the nose.

Last time I tried to write something and make it look pretty it ended badly.

Very badly.

Pen on my outfit, her dress, the floor....etc.

So it's a good thing I had all my in laws around while I was doing this!

Archaeologist $153

I delved in to the depths of a very scary, rarely trafficked, ancient burial ground.

It translates roughly in to English as "Bottom of the Diaper Bag".

There I found a few extraordinary artifacts.

First, what appears to be a Cheerio, though it has a strange gummy texture to it.

Second, a silver hoop remnant. I believe that it hails from a time when I used to wear these things called earrings without fear that I would lose a lobe.

Third, the artifact that I had been searching for, the very illusive small doll named Wendy.

Baby and toy have been reunited and my findings have been carefully recorded for posterity.

Professional Gift Wrapper $64

I just wrapped up an absolutely exquisite, totally stupendously awesome gift that I can't tell you anything about.

I fear that my SIL will read this blog post.

Therefore, the remainder of this post is on hold until Sunday. I will update it then with the best Engagement party gift idea ever, and a photo of how to wrap it like a pro! :)

Stay tuned.

Update: Here's a picture of Matt and Amanda's Engagement Survival Kit! Complete with a Spanish-English dictionary, Tylenol, the movie "How to Murder Your Wife" and of course, coffee!! Because no one can survive an engagement without caffeine.

Elementary School Teacher $173

I can picture being in elementary school, around 2nd grade maybe? And reciting the answers to math problems as a class. "10 plus 14 is?" And the whole class would chorus "24"....or something close to that number anyways.

Today, my daughter blew me away with her memorization!

Totally joking around I said "B is for" and she immediately responded "Bus!"...ummm...ok... "C is for" answered by "Clown!"...totally freaky. Of course, she has NO idea what a B or a C are, she is just memorizing one of her ABC books.

Which isn't too surprising considering that I spend half my life reading to her. And so does the husbando and her Nana.

But nonetheless I'm still impressed that my 14 month old has that kind of memory!

Of course her best line of the night?

Mama said "I am Eloise I am..." and Bellerina said "Six!".

And I think we all know that the only things you need to learn in life you learn from Eloise. Now if you'll excuse I have to go schlomp down the hall to bed.

Portrait Photographer $81

I've become that Mom.

Today I took about 50 pictures of Bellerina.

But in my defense, I am doing it because I am almost as much in love with my new camera as I am with my baby. She's already posing. This can't be good news for the future.

No offense to models, they're super fantastic at making clothes look good, and it would probably pay for my retirement, but it's not what I envision my daughter doing.

The husbando and I decided to breakdown and buy a Canon Rebel DSLR. We've been eyeing one for a while, since my SIL got hers (though she takes totally amazing artistic photos, which I will never be able to do).

We decided the baby is only this age once, and we went for it.

And I'm in love.

All sorts of love.

So expect many, many more photos to be attached to the blog now. I know I should've been doing it all along. But now you're going to get some visual! Well...as soon as we install the software to upload.

Interpreter $125

Bellerina is picking up words at a crazy break-neck little spongy speed nowadays.

But that doesn't mean that she's picking them up correctly.

We were visiting her Uncle Lukie today and I was needed for interpretative services several times.

Bellerina: "Uuuuuump"

Mama: "Oh, she wants you to pick her up, that was an up, believe it or not"

Bellerina approximately 7 seconds later: "Boom, Boom"...then rather impatiently a second.."BOOM BOOM"

Mama: "Oh sorry, boom boom means down"

Of course, "Boom Boom" has several meanings for Bellerina, the following interpretations may apply:

I just fell.

Put me down.

Put me down NOW.

I'm tired.

I pooped.

Cogito ergo Boom Boom.

Wash, Dry, Fold Laundry Service $56

Some days it feels like all I do, all day, is laundry.
That's probably because some days I do.
You would think that doing my own laundry for over 15 years would have taught me that a few loads, a few days a week, is a better method then waiting until I have Mount NicolaBellerinaious to actually move my butt toward the washing machine.
I had to crawl my way out from under the pile of jeans and onesies to change a set of stinky pants.
I was greeted with the pleasure of another wash, dry, fold cycle when two pieces of clothing and a towel were lost to a poop incident.
Will the cycle never end??
After 14 months of this I figured I would have the wipe, replace diaper, cycle totally under control. Epic Mommy Fail!

Low level Mob goon $192

You need something to disappear?

I can take care of that.

Me and my friends, we have this place, where we hide things that we don't want to deal with no more.

Sometimes it's a crazy ex-boyfriend, sometimes it's a guy who hasn't paid you on that loan, sometimes it's a book called "Ain't Gonna Paint No More".

Whatever it is that's upsetting you and making you want to tear you hair out, we gotcha covered.

I promise, you won't never hear from it again.

Focus Group Participant $150

Focus Groups are bomb.
How did it take me this long to find that out? You would think that as a largely unemployed mother, desperate for some extra cash to actually go out and have fun with I would have milked this by now!
I get to try out a new eco-friendly diaper product, for free, and answer a few questions in 2 weeks to make $150.
Ridiculous.
The product that we're trying out is something that I would have bought anyways, I save serious dough by not buying diapers, and the husbando and I can go to dinner without freaking out about cost.
Sweet.
Anyone in the Boston area, I recommend focusonboston.com, you're not always going to fit their demographic but if you do it's worth a little trip to Braintree to score some cash.

Falmouth Chamber of Commerce Employee $80

Though we are lucky enough to have gone to Cape Cod about 3 times already this summer, we hadn't gotten Bellerina past the beach.
Mostly because I could live at the beach, all day, every day, and I kind of subject her to that. Poor thing. I keep saying "Look, she's a beach baby, she loves the outdoors", but the reality is she doesn't have a chance, I'm going to make her love it.
So Saturday the husbando and I finally decided to take her somewhere in Falmouth other then Nobska Beach.
We had lunch at Liam Maguires, she didn't scream, but she did demolish two placemats in record time, and stare in a totally inappropriate way at the hostess. She was wearing something wildly inappropriate for day, but it's still not nice to stare.
Then we headed in and out of stores well I gave a lecture on the importance of shopping in small businesses, and she stared at me and said "Nose!" repeatedly. I think that perhaps it went over her head.
Last, but not least we split a super yummy vanilla/vanilla cupcake from Cupcakes of Falmouth. They use all organic ingredients. Why does that matter when you're sucking down a little mound of pure sugary delicious frosting and a heavenly fluffy cake? It doesn't. But I figure if the Mom-police want to get on my back for giving her a cupcake I can at least tell them it was organic.

Stunt Coordinator $334

I am pretty sure that the guy who coordinated the stunts for the last Bourne film was less stressed out about injury then I am watching Bellerina walk.

It's totally awesome that she's walking on her own now...2-10 steps at a time...then falling on her butt. But on her own nonetheless.

Except I find myself going through a safety check list every time she's about to venture off on her own.

Is there a sharp pointy toy on the floor guaranteed to impale her foot and make her fall on her face?

How close can she walk to the coffee table before the corner may leave her with the nickname OneEyeErina?

Can she reach the cord to the iron now that she's standing up? (Turns out the answer to that one is yes.)

In general, I'm getting a good lesson in how bad I am at baby-proofing. Bellerina is a stunt woman with some serious guts, because her environment is 50/50 at best.

Private Chef $135

I love to cook, I cook all the time, for nothing special, just because it feeds my soul.

Today I totally went nuts in the kitchen.

I made a super yummy zucchini bread that Bellerina gobbled up like it was going out of style! I snuck in some applesauce and cut down on the sugar too, sometimes you've got to be sneaky!

Then for dinner I made a grilled sweet potato salad with a vinegar/spicy brown mustard dressing and round 2 of the Naan.

I meant to hold a piece aside so that Bellerina could have some sweet potato with her Naan, grilled chicken and corn. But of course I forgot.

So she's leaping out of my hands pointing at the bowl of sweet potato salad and shouting "wasssthat??", "Waaaaaasssthat?". Basically giving me a look that was one step short of "Bitch, I see those orange things, we both know I love those orange things, what the hell is wrong with you? Why am I not eating one?".

So I figured, fine, whatever, you want to try sweet potato with a vinegar dressing, I'll show you.

Only she loved it.

I hope it's ok for 14 month olds to have vinegar.

Kissing Booth Operator $0

I'll take a monetary hit on this one, because I think that most people who sit in a kissing booth are raising money for charity and don't take home the per-peck fee.
It is not often that Bellerina goes crazy when I come home.
Mostly because I'm typically only gone while I'm working, and I only work for 5 hours at a time, and she's with Nana. So basically, when I get home she couldn't care less. She's been having fun with her Nana and barely noticed I was missing.
For some reason today I got assaulted when I walked through the door.
She was kissing my hair, my forehead, my cheeks, grabbing my face and trying to figure out where to smother me next. And of course trying to see if she could sneak in a little bite here and there without my noticing.
It was awesome.
I emerged looking like I had battled a hurricane, hair everywhere and enough drool on my shirt to resemble rain.

Elementary School Principal $231

Bellerina totally got sent to the Principal's office today.
It went something like this:
"When you're getting frustrated with something it is unacceptable to scream at the top of your lungs and fake cry until someone does it for you. You have to have patience. Do you know what patience means?"
Screaming in response.
"Ok, next time you find yourself in a frustrating situation with your walking toy that won't move, say 'please' and someone will help you."
Screaming and fake crying in response.
"I don't want to have to call your parents but if you continue to exhibit this kind of behavior I will"
Confused look.
"Oh, I am your parent. Sugar honey iced tea."
I know logically that she doesn't have the words to tell me that she needs help, but I don't want to encourage this divaesque behavior.
So I'm trying a firm and positive approach in the hopes of leading her behavior.
Hahaha
I'm totally going to end up with a diva.

Carnival Ride Operator $60

It was such a beautiful weekend on the Cape that the husbando and I decided after a long day at the beach to take Bellerina to the playground.

So we get her on the swing and push, and push, and push, and 15 minutes later, push, then 20 minutes, still pushing, and Bellerina is swinging her little legs, and smiling and looking like she could keep this up for at least another hour.

The problem with human operated carnival rides is that at some point we are going to get tired.

So husbando and I decide, maybe we can move her to the slide for a few rounds and get her back in the carriage to go home.

Silly parents.

As the swing starts to slow down she realizes that something is amiss and begins wildly bucking to try to get it to go again. Then husbando took her out and she started screaming.

A few trips down the slide killed the tears, but not the pout.

So since we're not leaving the Cape until tomorrow night I'm sure this will be my job on Sunday too!

Hairdresser $80

For some reason Bellerina's hair was even more out of control today then usual.

She has more hair then most 3 year olds, and it's fine and curly.

A recipe for knotty disaster.

I don't know what she does to create these massive knots at the back of her head but she must be working really, really hard at it when I'm not looking.

I figure that every second I leave her alone she immediately falls to the floor and rubs her head back and forth vigorously to create the twisty-ous tangle she possibly can.

The creators of No More Tangles forever have my allegiance.

It is a magical concoction that cuts through the worst hair snarls in about 7 seconds.

What is in this stuff?

I have no idea.

I assume that some sorcerer has enchanted mini-hairdressers who work really, really fast with microscopic combs.

At least that's what I prefer to think, because it's probably really a bunch of chemicals that are horrible for the baby.

Sous Chef at an Indian Restaurant $96

Who makes Naan bread?? I make Naan bread!

Bellerina is a carb-o-holic, she comes by it honestly, both the husbando and I are big believers in bread!

So I figured that it was about time to give her something other than whole wheat bread or an English muffin.

Enter: Naan.

I absolutely love the frozen Naan from Trader Joes, but of course I have to look at the ingredients and say "That's it? I can totally make that for less money".

It was my first experience with yeast, and it wasn't a complete disaster.

So tomorrow for lunch Bellerina will get some roasted garlic Naan bread, and her first taste of Indian food. I might go have another piece. Someone save me from myself.

Husbando, hide the Naan.

Personal Trainer $130

Bellerina and I had our first Gymboree experience today!

It was an "open" time with a Mommy group so it consisted mostly of the following:

1. Let Bellerina walk around and pull me by the fingers to whatever group of kids she was interested in.

2. Stop a random child from catapulting off the monkey bars.

3. Pull Bellerina away from the bottom of the slide to avoid major head trauma.

4. Stop a random child from catapulting off the monkey bars.

I did sneak in some time to show her how to crawl through the tunnels, and go down the slide, and she only had 2 mini-meltdowns. The first one was when a baby came near her. This leads me to believe I must attend more mommy groups. Stat.

The second was when we had to leave, apparently she liked our little workout session!