Portrait Photographer $81

I've become that Mom.

Today I took about 50 pictures of Bellerina.

But in my defense, I am doing it because I am almost as much in love with my new camera as I am with my baby. She's already posing. This can't be good news for the future.

No offense to models, they're super fantastic at making clothes look good, and it would probably pay for my retirement, but it's not what I envision my daughter doing.

The husbando and I decided to breakdown and buy a Canon Rebel DSLR. We've been eyeing one for a while, since my SIL got hers (though she takes totally amazing artistic photos, which I will never be able to do).

We decided the baby is only this age once, and we went for it.

And I'm in love.

All sorts of love.

So expect many, many more photos to be attached to the blog now. I know I should've been doing it all along. But now you're going to get some visual! Well...as soon as we install the software to upload.

Interpreter $125

Bellerina is picking up words at a crazy break-neck little spongy speed nowadays.

But that doesn't mean that she's picking them up correctly.

We were visiting her Uncle Lukie today and I was needed for interpretative services several times.

Bellerina: "Uuuuuump"

Mama: "Oh, she wants you to pick her up, that was an up, believe it or not"

Bellerina approximately 7 seconds later: "Boom, Boom"...then rather impatiently a second.."BOOM BOOM"

Mama: "Oh sorry, boom boom means down"

Of course, "Boom Boom" has several meanings for Bellerina, the following interpretations may apply:

I just fell.

Put me down.

Put me down NOW.

I'm tired.

I pooped.

Cogito ergo Boom Boom.

Wash, Dry, Fold Laundry Service $56

Some days it feels like all I do, all day, is laundry.
That's probably because some days I do.
You would think that doing my own laundry for over 15 years would have taught me that a few loads, a few days a week, is a better method then waiting until I have Mount NicolaBellerinaious to actually move my butt toward the washing machine.
I had to crawl my way out from under the pile of jeans and onesies to change a set of stinky pants.
I was greeted with the pleasure of another wash, dry, fold cycle when two pieces of clothing and a towel were lost to a poop incident.
Will the cycle never end??
After 14 months of this I figured I would have the wipe, replace diaper, cycle totally under control. Epic Mommy Fail!

Low level Mob goon $192

You need something to disappear?

I can take care of that.

Me and my friends, we have this place, where we hide things that we don't want to deal with no more.

Sometimes it's a crazy ex-boyfriend, sometimes it's a guy who hasn't paid you on that loan, sometimes it's a book called "Ain't Gonna Paint No More".

Whatever it is that's upsetting you and making you want to tear you hair out, we gotcha covered.

I promise, you won't never hear from it again.

Focus Group Participant $150

Focus Groups are bomb.
How did it take me this long to find that out? You would think that as a largely unemployed mother, desperate for some extra cash to actually go out and have fun with I would have milked this by now!
I get to try out a new eco-friendly diaper product, for free, and answer a few questions in 2 weeks to make $150.
Ridiculous.
The product that we're trying out is something that I would have bought anyways, I save serious dough by not buying diapers, and the husbando and I can go to dinner without freaking out about cost.
Sweet.
Anyone in the Boston area, I recommend focusonboston.com, you're not always going to fit their demographic but if you do it's worth a little trip to Braintree to score some cash.

Falmouth Chamber of Commerce Employee $80

Though we are lucky enough to have gone to Cape Cod about 3 times already this summer, we hadn't gotten Bellerina past the beach.
Mostly because I could live at the beach, all day, every day, and I kind of subject her to that. Poor thing. I keep saying "Look, she's a beach baby, she loves the outdoors", but the reality is she doesn't have a chance, I'm going to make her love it.
So Saturday the husbando and I finally decided to take her somewhere in Falmouth other then Nobska Beach.
We had lunch at Liam Maguires, she didn't scream, but she did demolish two placemats in record time, and stare in a totally inappropriate way at the hostess. She was wearing something wildly inappropriate for day, but it's still not nice to stare.
Then we headed in and out of stores well I gave a lecture on the importance of shopping in small businesses, and she stared at me and said "Nose!" repeatedly. I think that perhaps it went over her head.
Last, but not least we split a super yummy vanilla/vanilla cupcake from Cupcakes of Falmouth. They use all organic ingredients. Why does that matter when you're sucking down a little mound of pure sugary delicious frosting and a heavenly fluffy cake? It doesn't. But I figure if the Mom-police want to get on my back for giving her a cupcake I can at least tell them it was organic.

Stunt Coordinator $334

I am pretty sure that the guy who coordinated the stunts for the last Bourne film was less stressed out about injury then I am watching Bellerina walk.

It's totally awesome that she's walking on her own now...2-10 steps at a time...then falling on her butt. But on her own nonetheless.

Except I find myself going through a safety check list every time she's about to venture off on her own.

Is there a sharp pointy toy on the floor guaranteed to impale her foot and make her fall on her face?

How close can she walk to the coffee table before the corner may leave her with the nickname OneEyeErina?

Can she reach the cord to the iron now that she's standing up? (Turns out the answer to that one is yes.)

In general, I'm getting a good lesson in how bad I am at baby-proofing. Bellerina is a stunt woman with some serious guts, because her environment is 50/50 at best.

Private Chef $135

I love to cook, I cook all the time, for nothing special, just because it feeds my soul.

Today I totally went nuts in the kitchen.

I made a super yummy zucchini bread that Bellerina gobbled up like it was going out of style! I snuck in some applesauce and cut down on the sugar too, sometimes you've got to be sneaky!

Then for dinner I made a grilled sweet potato salad with a vinegar/spicy brown mustard dressing and round 2 of the Naan.

I meant to hold a piece aside so that Bellerina could have some sweet potato with her Naan, grilled chicken and corn. But of course I forgot.

So she's leaping out of my hands pointing at the bowl of sweet potato salad and shouting "wasssthat??", "Waaaaaasssthat?". Basically giving me a look that was one step short of "Bitch, I see those orange things, we both know I love those orange things, what the hell is wrong with you? Why am I not eating one?".

So I figured, fine, whatever, you want to try sweet potato with a vinegar dressing, I'll show you.

Only she loved it.

I hope it's ok for 14 month olds to have vinegar.

Kissing Booth Operator $0

I'll take a monetary hit on this one, because I think that most people who sit in a kissing booth are raising money for charity and don't take home the per-peck fee.
It is not often that Bellerina goes crazy when I come home.
Mostly because I'm typically only gone while I'm working, and I only work for 5 hours at a time, and she's with Nana. So basically, when I get home she couldn't care less. She's been having fun with her Nana and barely noticed I was missing.
For some reason today I got assaulted when I walked through the door.
She was kissing my hair, my forehead, my cheeks, grabbing my face and trying to figure out where to smother me next. And of course trying to see if she could sneak in a little bite here and there without my noticing.
It was awesome.
I emerged looking like I had battled a hurricane, hair everywhere and enough drool on my shirt to resemble rain.

Elementary School Principal $231

Bellerina totally got sent to the Principal's office today.
It went something like this:
"When you're getting frustrated with something it is unacceptable to scream at the top of your lungs and fake cry until someone does it for you. You have to have patience. Do you know what patience means?"
Screaming in response.
"Ok, next time you find yourself in a frustrating situation with your walking toy that won't move, say 'please' and someone will help you."
Screaming and fake crying in response.
"I don't want to have to call your parents but if you continue to exhibit this kind of behavior I will"
Confused look.
"Oh, I am your parent. Sugar honey iced tea."
I know logically that she doesn't have the words to tell me that she needs help, but I don't want to encourage this divaesque behavior.
So I'm trying a firm and positive approach in the hopes of leading her behavior.
Hahaha
I'm totally going to end up with a diva.

Carnival Ride Operator $60

It was such a beautiful weekend on the Cape that the husbando and I decided after a long day at the beach to take Bellerina to the playground.

So we get her on the swing and push, and push, and push, and 15 minutes later, push, then 20 minutes, still pushing, and Bellerina is swinging her little legs, and smiling and looking like she could keep this up for at least another hour.

The problem with human operated carnival rides is that at some point we are going to get tired.

So husbando and I decide, maybe we can move her to the slide for a few rounds and get her back in the carriage to go home.

Silly parents.

As the swing starts to slow down she realizes that something is amiss and begins wildly bucking to try to get it to go again. Then husbando took her out and she started screaming.

A few trips down the slide killed the tears, but not the pout.

So since we're not leaving the Cape until tomorrow night I'm sure this will be my job on Sunday too!

Hairdresser $80

For some reason Bellerina's hair was even more out of control today then usual.

She has more hair then most 3 year olds, and it's fine and curly.

A recipe for knotty disaster.

I don't know what she does to create these massive knots at the back of her head but she must be working really, really hard at it when I'm not looking.

I figure that every second I leave her alone she immediately falls to the floor and rubs her head back and forth vigorously to create the twisty-ous tangle she possibly can.

The creators of No More Tangles forever have my allegiance.

It is a magical concoction that cuts through the worst hair snarls in about 7 seconds.

What is in this stuff?

I have no idea.

I assume that some sorcerer has enchanted mini-hairdressers who work really, really fast with microscopic combs.

At least that's what I prefer to think, because it's probably really a bunch of chemicals that are horrible for the baby.

Sous Chef at an Indian Restaurant $96

Who makes Naan bread?? I make Naan bread!

Bellerina is a carb-o-holic, she comes by it honestly, both the husbando and I are big believers in bread!

So I figured that it was about time to give her something other than whole wheat bread or an English muffin.

Enter: Naan.

I absolutely love the frozen Naan from Trader Joes, but of course I have to look at the ingredients and say "That's it? I can totally make that for less money".

It was my first experience with yeast, and it wasn't a complete disaster.

So tomorrow for lunch Bellerina will get some roasted garlic Naan bread, and her first taste of Indian food. I might go have another piece. Someone save me from myself.

Husbando, hide the Naan.

Personal Trainer $130

Bellerina and I had our first Gymboree experience today!

It was an "open" time with a Mommy group so it consisted mostly of the following:

1. Let Bellerina walk around and pull me by the fingers to whatever group of kids she was interested in.

2. Stop a random child from catapulting off the monkey bars.

3. Pull Bellerina away from the bottom of the slide to avoid major head trauma.

4. Stop a random child from catapulting off the monkey bars.

I did sneak in some time to show her how to crawl through the tunnels, and go down the slide, and she only had 2 mini-meltdowns. The first one was when a baby came near her. This leads me to believe I must attend more mommy groups. Stat.

The second was when we had to leave, apparently she liked our little workout session!

Sleep Specialist $769

For the 10th day in a row (at least it feels that way, it may be the 7th) Bellerina woke up at 5 am and refused to put herself back to sleep.

During the first 5 minutes of letting her cry and hoping viciously that she would put herself back to sleep I found myself trying to diagnose the problem.

Is it too hot in there? Too cold? Is the fan too loud? Is light somehow getting through her shades of doom? Did she leak through her diaper? Is there a rouge mosquito pinching her awake? Is the cat using her for a pillow?

When I went in after 5 minutes to lay her down and assure her that we hadn't abandoned her she was just standing up in her crib, crying, no cat, no mosquito. Of course, when I went to lay her down she fought me like a lion.

Why you ask?

Because for the last few mornings, in a sleep deprived stupor, I have made a fatal error. I've picked her up and laid down in the guest bed with her so that I could sleep more.

Stupid Mommy, sleep is for people who haven't bred yet.

So tomorrow morning will probably bring round 11 of this battle.

I hope that my will is strong enough to avoid bringing her in bed with me, but when I have less than 7 hours of sleep I turn in to a bumbling idiot. Which would explain the last 13 months.

Censor $153

I'm totally digging Bellerina's verbal skills!
She repeats absolutely everything, which is equal parts awesome and volatile.
She's learning all kinds of great words like "mess" and "pictures". But she also says "dirt" everytime she sees a piece of dust on the ground. Which should be fantastic at dinner parties. Can't wait for that.
But the word that she is the most excited to repeat?
Shit.
Of course.
So I've been the censor today, making sure that everyone watches their language and we get to say fun things like "sugar honey ice tea" or "sugar plum gum drops".
I'm not a big fan of being the language police, but I guess that's my job now for the next 18 years!

Art Dealer $96

Bellerina is surrounded by fantastic art.
She is lucky enough to have two aunts who are fabulously talented and fill our home with oodles of amazing original pieces of artwork.
Tonight is an art opening for her Auntie Di, and we are blessed to have her originals in every room in our house!
So this morning I gave a little walk around the house to Bellerina and told her all about art.
I told her how it's evil to buy something uniform from Target when you can get a gorgeous original piece from an undiscovered artist for the same amount of money and put it in an Ikea frame.
Do I have a degree in art history? No of course not! But I do know what I like, and that's what art is about.
Hopefully years from now Bellerina will appreciate the art just as much!

Swimming Instructor $72

Bellerina has no fear of water.
That's good, because I want her to be comfortable at the beach and excited about going in the water.
However, there is a small problem.
I can't swim.
I mean, technically I can stay afloat for like 15 minutes. So if I'm every stranded out at sea that's how long you have to find me. After that, just call off the search.
Today I was dunking her in the water, and holding her hands while she walked headlong in to the waves, not even backing off when the reached her waist.
So with the help of her Auntie Stepha we gave her her first swimming lesson, with some wishy-washy and a side of dipping.

Children's Librarian $169

Bellerina's favorite thing in the world is to sit and read books.

Unfortunately sometimes her love of books gets in the way of her need to nap.

Today for example.

We sat down in the rocker to read and at the end of every book when I would go to put her in her crib because her eyes were shutting she would spot another book.

The books on the side table acted as instant caffeine.

Every time she was drowsy, she would spot another book and be wide awake and ready to hear about the adventures of Olivia, or Curious George, or Bree Tanner (don't judge me).

I read stories out loud to her for one hour and 15 minutes (which is only about a half hour over our usual story time), in every conceivable voice, and at the end of it all she was still wide awake!

Her brain full of southern twang from "A Fly Went By", she was ready for the next adventure.

I thought that the whispered "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" or the Micro-Machine Man voice for "The Night Before Valentine's Day" would knock her out, but today the Bellerina was mightier then the written word.

Research Chef $211

I did write a post not too long ago about how excited I was that Bellerina can now eat what we eat. It is super convenient that with just one or two minor tweaks I can have a full family dinner ready, fast.

What that has lead to however is some boring repetitive dinners for husbando and I.

Other people probably still think that we eat a good variety, but we're foodies, and we love nothing more than having an entire week of new recipes.

Since I've been trying to plan around Bellerina too that just hasn't been happening.

But tonight she had leftover pasta and sauce with cheese from last night, so I got to go crazy.

And crazy I did.

It was my own personal test kitchen in there tonight.

I made soy sauce marinated portobello sandwiches, with broccoli slaw and a sriracha/peanut butter/sesame seed/ginger dressing. I'm still rejoicing in the deliciousness.

Pool Maintenance Person $126

Bellerina's Mema bought her an awesome blow up pool that she got to use down in New Jersey to cool off during an exceptionally hot weekend!

Husbando inflated it using our portable tire inflator, then filled it up in the backyard.

Mema, being a concerned grandmother checked in to make sure that the temperature was ok for the baby to hop right in.

What she received in response was "Yep, it's room temperature!".

Perhaps if you live deep in the abyss of the arctic and you dig a whole behind your igloo for recreational swimming this temperature would have been considered comfortable.

It was freaking freezing.

Bellerina really really wanted to play in it though so she would keep braving the water by sitting down and then taking a huge breath of air to try to stabilize herself.

So I spent about 10 minutes swishing the water around so that the area that was in the sun would warm the rest of the water.

Eventually we gave up that method and my husbando came out with a pot of hot water. Problem solved.

Lucky Star Bus Driver $96

Today we're driving our Massachusetts to New Jersey route.

Sure we don't go Boston Chinatown to NY Chinatown, but we do go Brockton Spanishtown to Bridgewater Spanishtown.

We're not nearly as convenient as Lucky Star, since the Pardo Moon only has 1 available trip, we depart at 6:30pm and arrive in The Garden State at 11pm, usually. July 4th weekend will see some delays.

I only charged Bellerina $5 for her roundtrip ticket. I may have commandeered a $5 bill that came in a belated birthday card from our neighbor to use for coffee. I'm an addict, I promise to start going to meetings.

I consider it payment in the form of caffeine to get us through this trip!

Onward!

Book Editor $161

The children's section of Barnes and Noble is by necessity for me the place where I will judge a book by its cover.

Typically it gets a quick look at the illustrations, and if it's lucky, a glance at the description on the jacket.

This is because Bellerina is instantly all over every book she sees, and if we spent too much time in the children's section she would probably be under the impression that they were loading up a truck out back to follow us home with her new found book booty.

I was quickly analyzing and comparing today to bring a new book home for her when my target audience picked her own out.

No sooner had I picked up "First 100 Words" by the Bright Baby company then Bellerina had it in her hands full of loving attachment for the oversized book of pictures and neon colors.

She loves it, so I guess I did my job.