Fashion Editor, In Style Magazine $198

Bellerina plopped herself on my lap this evening, with the enormous In Style Spring Issue in hand and proceeded to announce "This is my favorite story".

As we browsed through she pointed out the "party dresses", the "beautiful white gowns", and the many, many ads where "She's getting naaaaked!"

As I showed her the short, orange dresses, and we discussed how aqua can in fact go with maroon, I was very careful to explain to her how probably 97% of the girls in the magazine have eating disorders (or at the least disordered eating), and how she has to develop her own personal sense of style without worrying about what these pesky fashion editors say!

Bellerina learned a very important lesson from her own personal fashion editor today:

Being fashionably fabulous is fun, but if it were the most important thing a woman could do Anna Wintour would have a smile on her face occasionally.

Campbell's soup worker $208

What? Tired of Campbell's tomato soup with your salad on a cold winter night?

Have no fear, the latest soup test kitchen employee has beat the schmatookas off of that condensed madness.

Even Bellerina, who has been on a 2 week hunger strike of Ghandian proportions ate it up like it was going out of style!

It's a wonder what chickpeas and a splash of vinegar can do to a soup!

Granted, it went absolutely everywhere because she insisted that she be allowed to "do it by ma-self".

Totally worth it though!

Escape Artist $103

There is no trap, or box, or set of handcuffs that Houdini was ever put in that were as hard to get out of as a living room with the watchful eye of a 21 month old.

I would attempt the underwater, ankles shackled, not a key in sight, with less fear than I typically have trying to navigate my way out of the living room when my daughter can somehow smell that I'm leaving.

It's like they have mama-dar. They don't look like they're always paying attention to you, but these kids know exactly where you are all the time, when you're approaching your coat, and if you're giving off the slightest "leaving" pheromone.

Granted 99% of the time she couldn't care less when she does notice that I'm gone, but there is the grand occasion when it results in a full fledged tantrum, and at that point I really feel worse for whoever is watching her than for her.

But I successfully retreated today, in to the land of shopping for bridesmaids dresses and lunch with the girls. It was glorious.

Massage Therapist $202

I will grant you that most massage therapists don't work at 5:15am.

Or maybe they do...but that's another job entirely.

I found myself rubbing Bellerina's back at 5:15am and chanting, "please go back to sleep, please go back to sleep".

We drove down to NJ on Thursday night so VERY early Friday morning I found myself trying to hush my daughter back to dreamland while she struggled with her desire to sleep and therefore be a semi-sane baby for the rest of the day, and her stronger desire to see her Mema.

She knew that somewhere beyond the door of the guest room there was a whole world of relatives who she hadn't seen since December.

My massage skills were only good enough to calm her down until 6:30.

Real Estate Agent $178

Every once in a while my husbando and I get the crazy idea that we're ready to sell our house.

Granted we're ALWAYS ready to sell our house because we are not in love with it to say the least.

However, it's our little corner of the world, and we've done a lot of work to it, so I guess there is a small sense of attachment. Plus it's Bellerina's house, like the only one she's known so far, where everything happens, and her adorable little room is.

But never the less we had a real estate agent come by the house today and take a look and give us a "what you might get for this money pit" estimate.

Of course she arrived approximately 7.3 seconds after Bellerina went down for her nap.

So we had perhaps the most silent house walk through ever. She literally tiptoed in to the bathroom to see the new features we put in, and we whispered animatedly about the wall we knocked down. All in all I think I did a good job selling our house to her at .5 decibels.

Professional Poker Player $250

The thing about professional gamblers is, a lot of them have superstitions, and for good reason.

While you and I might think it's insane to worry about what pocket your lucky penny is in, to the professional poker player it makes all the difference to their demeanor, and therefore his or her ability to win.

For example, right after you have discreetly mixed fish and tartar sauce in to your daughters risotto it would do you good to not look directly in her eyes.

At this point I recommend a pair of very dark glasses, and a strict no smile/smirk/twitch policy lest you give away your bluff.

As your daughter begins to actually consume said risotto do not, I repeat, do NOT let her see you crack, if there is a single fist pump of victory, or even a sideways smirk to your husband she will see joy in your eyes and immediately spit it out.

I found this out the hard way.

Police Officer $223

Stop right there!

Hands in the air!

Don't even THINK about touching that newly dry cleaned sweater!

Where, I repeat, where did you get that contraband?

A sticky piece of toast with jam from breakfast?

Did you hide it in the folds of your shirt and think you were going to get away with smuggling it?

Drop the toast and slowly walk towards the Mama.

Vacation 2/7-2/11

Taking a little blog hiatus to work on my book. This is my second vacation week this year.

Therefore I consider myself "out of days"!

Model $161

Click, click, click, flash, flash, flash.

It's actually quite annoying to smile, looks slightly askew, and pose all in 6 inch heels. I mean it's worth it because I love the heels but it's still really hard.

Not hard enough that supermodels should get paid their ridiculous salaries, but you know, like hard enough that I would feel the need to complain mildly to my fellow model friends over our shared plate of spinach, Evian and Marlboro Light.

Today I did a little photo shoot with my aunt for our upcoming book. Had to have something to put next to our biographies on the "About Us" page.

Bellerina was super confused when I came home and was showing her like 200 pictures of me that looked exactly the same saying "Which one of Mama do you like better?" to which she of course replied, "Want to type an email to Minnie Mouse".

So I picked this one:

Pharmacist $400

At this point, it is basically good news to find out that Bellerina has an earache, at least now we can start the antibiotics and get her back to her normal self STAT!

Now, I am all for medicine tasting good enough for your kid to actually take it.

But do they really have to make it SO good?

She's screaming her head off every time the dose is done.

Perhaps this is partially my fault, since she only get ice cream like once a week, and basically all her other sugars come from fruit... This twice a day treat o' amoxicillin is like Christmas for her.

Motivational Speaker $250

Motivational speakers have to be by far the strangest breed of human being in the world.

They're super high energy, always cheery, and it seems that most of them list "Whole Milk" as their worst vice.

You know that deep down they're either total psychopaths, or closet cocaine addicts.

Of course I mean those mega watt smile, super perky, fill a Texas mega church motivational speakers.

Today I tried to be one of those for my husband, he's on an awesome blogging journey to lose weight (check it out here) and I'm trying to be there every step of the way with super motivation and what not.

However, I cracked. Halfway through Cardio X (with that satanic monkeybutt trainer) I totally gave up and headed over here to blog.

Lame Excuse: Last night I had to go in to the guest bed with a very sick Bellerina to get her to sleep, from midnight-6am I was woken up about every 15-20 minutes by her stirring, at one point I'm pretty sure I had a toe up the nose.

Reality: There is no excuse and I should have pushed out those last 15 minutes with my husbando!

Physician's Assistant $332

If I take one more temperature I may have to administer CPR to myself.

The numbers eventually start swimming in your head, was her last one 101.7 or 100.9?

Did I leave that thermometer under her arm long enough?

Do her eyes look glassy?

What time did I give tylenol last?

Did that cough sound phlegmy or dry?

Is she lethargic or just in the mood to read?

It literally distracts you all day and makes you pretty much a total crazy person when your child is sick. You spend the majority of your days thinking that you are a sane and rational parent who deals with everything in a calm logical way and then a temperature hits three digits and all sanity goes out the window!

But I'm taking her to the doctor tomorrow morning, so after one more sleepless night worrying about her and checking on her every 17 minutes I will have official confirmation that she has a cold and all I can do is continue on the path of tylenol and obsessive temperature taking.

Blue Hills Weather Observatory Staff $80

From about 6 am onward I was obsessively checking the radar and about 6 news stations every 5 minutes. Mostly the radar, because those little bands of color truly do not lie.

They also don't hype themselves for ratings which is nice, they just are what they are man.

Do I try to sneak in to work early to avoid the majority of the snow?

Is there no point because snow is just going to bombard us all day?

Someone tell me what to do!!

Oh, not you meteorologist because your answer is to PANIC!

I will not panic!

I won't I tell you!

Ok, maybe I will just a little, when I'm driving through the three inches of snow to drop Bellerina at my cousin's house, pretending that I'm 210 years old and can't go above 15 mph.

Just a small panic though, not like a channel 7 level panic or anything.

Military Sergeant $89

I don't necessarily regiment Bellerina's day.

We kind of go with the flow and most of the time stuff just happens at around the same time every day.

We were very fortunate to be able to go away on Saturday night (I highly recommend The Beechtree Inn in Newport, RI), and Bellerina spent a night with Grampy, Jen-Jen and Lukie, and they happen to enjoy structured instructions.

It took me way longer then I should have to write out times for milk, what to give her for lunch and dinner, when to put her to bed, read a story, or give a bath.

I never realized what a laissez-faire parent I am until I tried to actually tell someone what she does in a day and when she does it.

Nudist Colony Proprietor $165

Ever go to get dressed after a shower and realize that all the clothing you want to wear is in the dryer?

Ever do that when you're rushing to get out of the shower because your baby is waking up so instead of going to the dryer first you decide to pick her up and bring her with you?

Ever had that incident then result in a chorus of "Mammmmas NAKED!" for the next hour?

I have.

It is equal parts hilarious and slightly unnerving, because all you can think after an hour of random "Mama's Naked!" outbursts is "When we go to the grocery store this afternoon is she going to yell this out in the produce section? She totally is. We're not going, forget it, I don't really need milk".

Burger King Fry Cook $58

If Burger King ever decides to switch to reasonably sized organic turkey burgers, topped with homemade guacamole, and nestled lovingly in to pita bread, with sides of sweet potato fries I will be there with bells on to fill out my application.

This is one of those meals that's a "once a weeker", totally my go to answer for the oft repeated questions,"Oh shidoodles, what can we eat tonight where I will actually only have to make 1 meal to feed all three of us?".

I can make this thing in my sleep.

On one foot.

With an eye closed...probably not both eyes closed because I'd overdo it on the garlic for sure.

Some day Bellerina is going to look at me and just say "Ma, enough of the guacamole!".

But until that time comes we shall be on avocado overload.

Mechanic $144

Ok, ok, so I didn't technically install the remote start in my own car.

BUT I totally was explaining things to Bellerina as we drove to our real mechanic to have it installed.

It went something like this:

Mama said "Do you know where we're going??" in an abnormally giddy voice

"Cinderella!"

"Ummm..ok no...we're going to get a remote car start put in so that the car is nice and waaaaarm every morning!"

"Cinderella nice and warm!"

"Sure, she can be warm too, but more importantly, it will premelt the ice on the windshield, it will keep your little toesies from freezing off in the winter, you know, waaarm"

"Wanna pancake"

I think she got the general idea.

Heinz factory worker $108

Who knew that all kids needed to eat fish was tartar sauce?

What? All of you knew this and no one told me??

Yes, it's true, I've been trying to get Bellerina to baked fish with lemon squeezed on it.

This time I was intelligent enough to whip up a quick tartar sauce, a little mayo, sour cream, lemon juice and the crowning glory, capers.

She ate her weight in fish.

My new rule: When we are at a food stalemate, bring on the condiments.

Beer taster $216

Dream job?

Yes.

And it even exists.

So if anyone reading this knows a brewery that's looking for a taster, I'm their lady. I heart me some good beers.

Fortunately, so does the Yardhouse. Excellent nachos, phenomenal beer selection.

I basically spent the day doing yoga, reading to Bellerina, dancing the Hot Dog Dance (Moms of toddlers, you totally know what that is), and doing everything in my power to make the day go by fast so that I could get out, out, OUT I tell you!

It was glorious.

Sculptor $103

I do not know how to make a snowman.

There.

I said it.

However, I can make a mean snow volcano.

And when I put eyes and a mouth on my glorious Mount St. Snowmen Bellerina totally knew what it was.

So there.

Who needs those damn round balls that fall apart before you can possibly attach them to each other?

Perhaps next time I will try a snow pyramid.

Private Investigator $480

Washing dishes, calmly going on with my morning routine, I heard the beginnings of utter panic.

It started as a simple "Chip?...Chip?", and escalated in about 7 seconds to a full scale "CHIIIIP????".

Bellerina came flying around the corner in to the kitchen, looking at me with huge terrified eyes, "Mama, need Chip!".

Chip is of course her tea cup, and probably the only toy that was not in the living room strewn from one end to the other.

"Ok baby", I very calmly took her hand and led her to her kitchen, where of course, this mama keeps Chip. Or so I thought.

Hmmm..not in the kitchen, or in the tent, or under the couch (but wow do I have to vacuum under there), or in the cushions, or in the DVDs...ok, now mama is close to panic mode too.

A full 20 minutes of searching finally yielded Chip in the sock bin, in her room, pretty much 7/8 of the way across the house from where he belongs.

I can only assume that he snuck there in the middle of the night for a tryst with the puppet, Calcetine.

Nanny $170

Sometimes I feel like Bellerina is completely oblivious to that fact that I'm her mom.

I mean, I know that's not true.

But on those days when you're taking them to see a friend, then to the grocery store, then to see a few family members, and never really just sitting down to read a story or cuddle it feels like I'm her nanny carting her from one activity to the other and managing to shove some food time in there.

Today was totally one of those days.

Especially when I went to pick her up from her friend Teddy's house (I guess his mom was there too...) and she literally looked at me, shrugged, and went back to playing!

Happens to all of us some days!

I avoid the urge to hug and squeeze her and say "LOVE ME!" because that would be a little creepy.

Babysitter $80

I had the absolutely most pleasant babysitting experience of my life today. I have a tendency to view babysitting as second on my list of "worst jobs ever", right after President, and well before stablehand.

I believe this stems from the neighbors from hell who I babysat for as a child, they had two kids, and infant and a dog with mange. One of their sons would literally swing cats around by the tail. It was a house of horrors.

My cousin's son came over, he is a 3 year old boy, who behaved like an absolute angel today.

Somehow Bellerina and him managed to play together for about 3 hours without any sign of conflict.

They made corn and pineapple soup together, then some banana yogurt with extra eggs in it, they even shared a tricycle.

It was absolutely glorious, the stars must be aligned.

For a brief minute I thought "Wow, I can totally do this, maybe I'm ready for another one"....

Then I remembered that this was 3 hours. 24/7 with two kids I am just not prepared for yet!

Security Guard $200

You know when you see pictures of movie stars, and they're emerging from a restaurant, hidden by someone's jacket being ushered to a waiting vehicle?

Well, usually it's because they're drunk or forgot to put on their fake eye lashes.

The mommy version of that is when you usher your kid out of a restaurant, half hiding them in their own coat, with a Cinderella doll gripped under one arm, praying that you can get them out of there before getting a dozen stares that say "how dare you bring a child to a restaurant at noon".

The stares are worse than any paparazzi shot could ever be.

This is how we exited a restaurant in Falmouth this afternoon. I do not wish to repeat this job.

Photo Editor $233

I love Aperture!

So much fun yet so easy to use!

During Bellerina's nap today I had a little fun with our Christmas photos!

Black and white, sepia, and airbrushing madness ensued. I may or may not have found a way to take away every skin imperfection I have, which is totally saying something.

I did stop myself before I got carried away and airbrushed Bellerina's flyaway hairs out of the pictures...that's just creepy bordering on Toddlers in Tiaras. Those airbrushed photos of children give me nightmares.

Domain checker, intuit.com $216

Some *&%)#-*#($)*#er bleepedy bleeping took the domain name I wanted for my website.

Was it available two days ago?

Yes it was.

Did I check like 6 sites before I would really believe that someone had stolen it?

Yes I did.

But fear not (I know, I know, you were shaking in your boots worried about the future of cheeky guacamole intense children's books), I found a very suitable replacement.

However, if I find the beast that took my first choice I will assault them.

Just saying.

Dentist $407

This morning as I was washing Bellerina's toothbrush off I had already thought this may be my job of the day.

Bellerina is very, very good at having her tongue brushed because it represents her greatest potential for eating the most toothpaste at once. She freaking loves this stuff. Maybe I will try putting toothpaste flavored sauce on chicken next time!

She is however very, very bad at opening up enough to let us get her newly formed molars, or holding her "smile" long enough for me to brush away the blueberry skin that she inevitably jams in between her two front teeth.

It is an innate talent that some children have, weaseling food up in between their two front teeth.

She has been blessed.

Turns out I also had to be a dentist to myself when she enthusiastically was playing "Wild Woman" (don't ask, it gets ugly) and managed to slam her head directly in to my left front tooth. I think that she may have been going for a kiss (at least that's what I tell myself, it was probably the headbutt of death she was attempting) but it just resulted in me thinking that maybe I was going to be looking a little hillbilly for a few days.

We have both survived this episode...teeth intact.

Omelette Chef $68

Does Bellerina know that her omelette this morning was glorious perfection?

No, no she doesn't.

But I do.

I spent a little bit of time trying to explain to her how I had folded it perfectly, and it wasn't a touch over ideal browning, and the goat cheese inside was melty goodness without being as hot as lava.

I'm pretty sure that she understood me because she kept saying "more, more" but I can't be sure.

Hair Model $35

Oh joy, oh rapture, oh bliss!

Today I had the sheer pleasure of having a husbando at home who took care of my baby and a cousin who is a hair stylist willing to squeeze me in at noon on a Saturday...even though she probably didn't have the time!

I went in and told her "Do whatever you want! I trust you completely!".

I came out with a lovely bob, just the change I was looking for.

Sometimes it's totally worth it putting yourself in a stylist's hands...well...if you know where she lives.

Book Agent $208

Since I spend the vast majority of my time during the day reading children's books I was hit by a bolt of inspiration lightening last week and jotted down an entire book in about 20 minutes.

After much reading and research I have decided that it is whole heartedly not worth it to attempt to do this the traditional publisher route.

Keep your eyes peeled my friends, soon you will see the launching of my website for this little project, and hopefully word of mouth will spread like wild fire and I can eventually sell it to a bigger publisher.

For the time being, I am my own book agent...and publisher..and marketer...

Street Performer $200

Ok, so technically if this was my job I would make $0 a day but I'm basing the salary on people who are actually talented.

If you told me 2 years ago that I would be singing in public...more specifically the spice aisle of an Indian grocery store, I would have laughed in your face.

But there I was, surrounded by garam masala powder, with a screaming baby in my left hand, the basket also in my left hand (why didn't I get a carriage you ask...well that turned out to by my fatal flaw didn't it?), singing "So This is Love".

The man behind restocking the cumin was giving me the evil eye, a woman with her very well behaved child had a superior nose in the air, and the guy behind the counter was trying to make faces at and distract Bellerina..which I think did more harm then good.

Upside? I got all the hard to find ingredients I need for dinner Saturday night.

Downside? Someone outside of my house had to hear my voice. **Shudder**

DJ $280

Most DJs spend their time picking the right music to get a crowd pump and the party started!
As a Mom DJ you spend most of your time trying to find the right music to calm the party down, the crying, screaming, generally grumpy party that usually accompanies either long trips or unwelcome ejections from the warm house full of toys.
Usually "Alphabutts" does the job, we listen to Kimya Dawson wax poetic about farts.
But this morning Bellerina was already less then amiable, and grew even less happy as we stuffed her in her coat and hat, and finally when we exited the door in to the icy morning she officially lost it.
Thank goodness this DJ had a "back up mix" in the car, thanks to one of Bellerina's "aunties" we were blessed with a CD that has Cinderella on it! So she sat there completely entranced by the story, and I had a nice peaceful drive to drop her off and head to work.

Costume Designer $280

Pink Fairy wings? Check.

Red skirt? Check.

Pirate sword? Check.

Ladybug girl headband? Check.

Coolest little girl costume ever? Check.

Game Show Host $961

The majority of our time up in NH celebrating New Years Eve was spent playing games.

Lots of games.

And while I did lose a few, Wii Jeopardy for example due to a poorly miscalculated final question, I will say that the game that I "hosted" I remain undefeated in for about 6 months.

I am the master of Cranium, and the husbando and I love to introduce it to new people because we think it's the best game ever invented.

This is basically me issuing a challenge, I dare you guys to find a team that can beat me at Cranium.

That's all I'm saying.

I rule.