Vegan Baker $115

We find out on June 3rd if Bellerina has a dairy allergy or not.

I say "we" not in that annoying way where people always refer to their children's activities as we, for example:

"We are learning to walk" Ummm...no, your baby is learning to walk, you are along for the ride.

"We are feeling shy this morning" Really? You don't seem so shy explaining your child's anti-social behavior.

"We haven't pooped today" Wow, don't need to know even if it is only in reference to your son.

I say "we" find out if Bellerina has a dairy allergy because I have been breastfeeding her and for the last 6 months I have had to go cold turkey on cow's milk. This from the girl who ate yogurt every morning for breakfast, and had at least 2 glasses of milk a day. It has been torturous. Thank goodness for Trader Joe's. Yay for goat's milk gouda, cheddar and various forms of soy substitutes!

In my determination to still provide Bellerina with the required piece of cake to tear in to on her birthday I made a dozen vegan vanilla cupcakes with a "butter"cream and pineapple frosting for tomorrow's shindig. Why only a dozen? Because I'm not dooming everyone else to this fate, I made a rocking chocolate cake, butter, milk and all for the crowd.

I tested a cupcake and I have to say, they're pretty darned good! Not just "good for a vegan cupcake", but really genuinely good, like the vegan Chocolate and Cherry Soy Ice Cream from TJs (If you haven't tried, I must insist you put it on your next shopping list) Many thanks to my girl Lah-rel who helped me navigate my first go at the world of vegan baking!

Stock Trader $180

Today I was a professional at losing things.

I lost my list for Bellerina's party on Sunday.

I lost my keys, IN my diaper bag and had 10 people looking for them for an hour.

And quite clearly I lost my mind!

I made out a fantabulous detailed list for the party, it included pivotal things like "refill the bathroom soap", and "windex the dining room mirror covered in sticky finger prints" and oodles of other essential things that I totally can't remember any more. So, on Sunday when people are looking at a mirror that resembles a Pollock painting, and can't get the frosting off their hands, it's because today I was in the red. Losing was my job.

After a beautiful dinner at the Nana's house, with the inlaws, and some rockin' Key Lime Pie cupcakes (homemade by moi), I went on an hour long panic over my lost keys. I emptied out my diaper bag then handed it to my cousin and said "double check me", she did, no keys. This was followed by a sweep of the outside of the house by flashlight, checking under carpets, and insisting that my cousin's 3-year old son turn out his pockets.

The keys were in my diaper bag.

I'm like a 22 year old newly hired Madoff intern.

Innkeeper $165

Clean sheets? Check.

Clean towels? Check.

Floors mopped? Almost check. (I'm doing it after the baby goes to bed!)

Breakfast ingredients? Check.

At about 10:30 tonight our guests should arrive, a 4 night, 5 day stay in our picturesque, slightly east of Abington guest house.

Husbando's parents, sister and her BF are coming to our house for Memorial Day weekend to celebrate Bellerina's first birthday!

They would be a real Innkeeper's absolute dream guests! I know that they won't complain if breakfast is late, before the party his mother will probably start dusting, and his sister will get up at ungodly hours to watch the baby and won't complain about the blow up mattress in the living room! Actually, if I were an Innkeeper I would pay them.

The huge advantage of having guests before the party is I can't pull a Nicole and procrastinate until the last minute. The house is already clean, which means after a few touch ups on Sunday morning I should have no idea what to do with myself...

Forester $188

A nice leisurely swing in our backyard hammock turned in to a full on cataloging of all flora and fauna on our humble plot of land.

Our adventure in Foresting was courtesy of Bellerina's new favorite phrase "Wassat?", otherwise known to non-toddler owning humans as "What's that?". An apparently harmless phrase, that a 1 year old can wield like a repetitive pick axe.

The hammock conversation went something like this:

B: Wassat?

Me: Tree

B: Wassat?

Me: Grass

B: Wassat?

Me: Tree

B: Wassat?

Me: Toppling fence

B: Wassat?

Me: Tr(interrupted by another Wassat)ee

You get the picture.

A half hour later we had cataloged everything in our backyard, from the fence that will probably blow over tonight if a squirrel sneezes, to the barren unplanted garden, and our totally awesome fire pit.

For those of you who have been reading a little note: Do not hold your breath waiting for a picture of the matching shirt for her party. Epic fail. Totally miscalculated the size of my boobs.

Occupational Therapist $234

Today I finally got Bellerina to hold her bottle.

Should this be a big deal for a girl who is about to turn 1 this weekend? No. But it is!

She is excessively resistant to feeding herself. For example, until today you would have thought the bottle was literally on fire because every time her hand touched it she would pull it away at ninja-speed and fuss. Of course, it was also accompanied by a "don't you dare do that to me again" stare of death.

She must just not have been ready, because this morning after a continuous song called "hold your bottle, keep you hands right there", we had success! And it worked again for her afternoon bottle.

One basic skill conquered.

Next I've got my eye on those Cheerios that she thinks are cymbals.

Parole Officer $169

Yesterday I had the pleasure of being at my cousin's beautiful wedding while Bellerina was safely tucked away at The Grandparent Bed and Breakfast. But, as you know, that doesn't mean that I'm off of Mom-duty!
I was her parole officer yesterday, the call to check on her progress in the morning was similar to a recently released convicted felon:
Parole Question Parent version
Any drug use? Did you have to give her Tylenol for teething?
Getting along with family? Did she try to beat up her cousin?
Any erratic behavior? Did she sleep through the night or wake up screaming at 1am?
Pee anyplace inappropriate? Pee anyplace inappropriate?

Granted most parole officers don't question their charges with a Harpoon in their hand. Or maybe they do.

Stylist $230

The husbando and I are heading out for a long weekend away, I am thrilled, but it will be the first time we've been away from her for 2 nights in a row!
So I spent the morning packing her suitcase for Nana's house.
She is going to be one fashionista baby!
Two outfits per day, for 2 1/2 days, combinations of cute white pants, jean skirts, long and short sleeve tops, a few dresses, all adorable and hand picked by her personal stylist!
Dressing her up is perhaps the most fun part of being a Mom, and I'm hoping that Nana takes her out to the store (even if she doesn't really need anything) so that she can bask in the strangers telling her how cute Bellerina is.
Conceited? Yes. But also true.
Plus, she has a personal stylist, so of course she looks good!

Children's Clothing Designer $169

I have been aiming to make Bellerina a dress for her first birthday party and I have it done, a whole week in advance! This is essentially unheard of. More typical of my personality is to be up until 1am the night before! And to top it off I only used about 3 cuss words a minute while finishing this up...I am trying to tame my language now that she could repeat bad words, probably in the middle of the grocery store.
It's just a simple pillowcase dress, but I won't lie, I'm unnaturally proud of it! In grand theory I will have a matching shirt made for myself by next Saturday. Fear not, I am only going to use the rather loud green and pink pattern as trim on mine, the solid pink will be the majority of my top. So, keep your fingers crossed for me that next week you see "Fashion Designer" as a job with a picture of a top for me.
Is it super cheesy to have a Mommy top to match my daughter's dress? You bet it is!
Do I care?? Heck no!
She is a live doll that I can dress up at will, I always used to want to match my Barbies, why wouldn't I want to match her??

Italian restaurant Executive Chef $185

More than I wanted her to get old enough to walk or talk, I was just waiting for the time when Bellerina was old enough to eat the same dinner as us!
With a few minor alterations, that time has come! Sure sometimes when we have spicy peanut butter chicken she'll still get something boring like cooked carrots, but we're basically back to being a one-dinner family.
She tried pasta with turkey tomato sauce tonight, before this every time she ate pasta she spit it right back out. I was beginning to worry that she wasn't my daughter at all, switched at birth with someone of English taste bud descent, condemned to a life of liking bland overcooked veggies.
It was about 10 minutes of eating the pasta and sauce before she started spitting it back out, which is practically a record for a new food.
Other then pickles, she ate a whole pickle in like under a minute the first time she tasted one...is this normal for an 11 month old? And she hates fries...someone please explain this to me!
This week turkey tomato sauce, before I know it, she'll be eating pad thai!

Dairy Cow $0

Technically I'm not the right specie for this job, and even if I was I wouldn't get paid.
But the husbando and I are going away for the weekend and I'm about 3 bottles short of having enough milk to cover Bellerina's stay at The Grandparent Bed and Breakfast.
So essentially when I have any down time during the day I'm hooked up to the pump!
I'm only breastfeeding for two more weeks, and it has been a wonderful experience, but sometimes I just want to sit there and mooooooooo.
It will be bittersweet when I stop, I will miss the closeness...BUT I will not miss having milk dribbled on a new outfit, almost getting bitten, or not being able to have a beer at a cookout!
So for the next few days feel free to call me Bessie, I may even save my husband some mowing time by chewing down the grass in the backyard.

Landscaper $88

Not every job as a mom is directly related to your offspring, beautiful and time consuming though they may be.
Sometimes on top of keeping your precious being alive you also have to maintain basic things, like your house. I guess I could loop it back around to Bellerina because I am making sure my house stays presentable to sell in the future, to "move us on up" somewhere nicer.
Of course right now I am typing this with numb fingers. Electric hedge clippers are the most awesome tool ever, except that you can't hold a glass for like 20 minutes after you're done using them.
I do feel totally accomplished and our front yard looks nice, now I can get cleaned up and go romp around in the living room with the baby and husbando.

Nurse $200

I was really hoping to save this job for cold and flu season, but it was definitely the dominant theme of the day!
The only thing worse then having a child who doesn't feel well is knowing that you have to take that child's temperature...
It is a dreaded decision. Do I go the most accurate way or the easy way?
I'm a total chicken. I take it under the armpit every time.
Especially when I know that she has a doctors appointment in the afternoon, because I know they are going to take a rectal temperature and I just can't bring myself to put her through that twice in a day.
I know, I know, I should totally get over it but I can't.
In theory I'm a grown woman who understands that it's a more accurate reading and provides the best "data" for the nurses that we see later on in the day, in practice I'm a wimp.
If my daughter cries because I told her "no", I'm over it in a nanosecond. If she cries because I took her temperature rectally it takes me 3 weeks to not feel like a bad person.
So I was a nurse today, but a very incompetent one.

Matchmaker $192

I'm not saying Bellerina and her new friend Teddy are going to get married.
I'm just saying that if they do, it was all me (ok, I guess a little Teddy's Mom too). Today I played matchmaker.

A few of the striking similarities between Bellerina and Teddy that make them a good match:
Dairy-Free
Enjoy long walks
Like to pick Teddy's nose (yes, both of them)
Love long dinners with a glass of 2010 boob milk

And of course, not all couples can be totally alike, it's good to balance each other out as well, so when picking Teddy I was sure to look for someone who could contain Bellerina's wild streak. Teddy is the perfect candidate since he is 7 months younger but about the same weight, I anticipate as their relationship blossoms he will totally be able to tackle her. Of course, you also want a partner who is supportive of your child, and Teddy willingly shares all toys, including the large elephant that he drooled all over.

If that isn't the beginning of love, I don't know what is. Watch out E-Harmony, I'm coming for you!

Reiki Practitioner $280

Unfortunately 11 month old children do not understand the basic logic of if A then B, if B then C.
For example: If you shut your finger in the door of the entertainment center it hurts. If you lean on the door while trying to yank your finger out, it hurts WAY worse.
Granted, my daughter shouldn't have to learn this lesson yet, because if I were a responsible parent I would have child proofed the cabinet by now; but honestly there are only DVDs in there and I have bigger fish to fry.
While my poor Bellerina was in a state of shock, and tears, and general ouchiness I had to transfer my ki to her to expedite the healing process, because there is nothing worse then watching your child cry when they're actually in pain. I find that while traditionally this is done through the palms, the most effective way for me is the powerful mommy-kiss.
I spent about 5 minutes smothering her with highly effective Mommy Ki-sses and you can call me crazy if you wish, but I know that it helped make her feel better faster!
To all my friends who actually practice Reiki, my apologies for any terminology butchering.

Magician $320

Slight of hand is perhaps the most important arrow in the quiver of Motherhood. Some time in the last week, unbeknownst to me, someone snuck in to my house and put baby-crack on my car keys. They are the only thing that my daughter wants, she apparently cannot live without them (her high pitched screeching communicates this pretty effectively), and she can now spot them from 75 yards out.
So, I have resorted to opening the front door with my keys tucked in my back pocket. My neighbors must be wondering at this point if I severely distrust them because I only walk up to my front door backwards, and then appear to use my butt to open the door.
Today I made a fatal mistake, right before we were leaving the house so she could spend some quality time with her Grandad Karl I pulled out the keys. I know, I know, rookie blunder.
With a little song and dance for distraction I preformed a slight of hand trick and replaced the keys with large plastic baby ones and stowed the real thing safely in the back pocket of concealment. Turns out I am quite a magician!