CDC employee $177

I totally issued a quarantine today.

We went to visit a good friend's brand new baby girl, aged only 2 weeks.

Is Bellerina sick? No.

Does she have even a sign of a runny nose? No.

Why the quarantine then?

Because I have no idea where those hands have been, and I am home with her all day.

I mean no idea.

Do I think that she put her hand in poop today or used the cat's water bowl as a playground? No, I don't.

Can I be positive? Not even close.

So tonight she had two hours of quarantine time, strictly enforced by "Gampy" who ran around the house with her and let her have ice cream. So the life of quarantine isn't too tough.

Criminal $100

I am a felon.

Not a misdemeanor marijuana possession situation, a lock me up, throw away the key, felon.

I broke a law.

A big one.

I took Bellerina in to bed with me in the guest room after she woke up this morning.

I'm at my wits end.

She goes to sleep at 8:30, and for the last week she's been waking up at 5:30. I don't need to sleep until 8 or anything crazy, but I would like the first digit to be a 6. Don't care if it's followed by :05 or :40, just at least give me a 6 for the love of Christ.

So I broke down.

And I committed a cardinal sin.

Lock me up, no really, please, lock me up. I hear you don't have to wake up in there til like 7.

Dishwasher $60

I know that we're all dishwashers almost every day.

Moms, non-moms, Klingons and Sarah Palin, I'm sure that we all wash dishes, no matter what weird species we are.

But some days it feels like a major accomplishment for some reason!

Today was totally one of those days...after I got done doing a sink full of dishes I felt like I'd run a marathon.

Ok, maybe not a marathon since I would probably expire, but like a road race with hills, which would still be super tough for me.

I looked back at the sink and thought "wow, that is some sparkling clean awesomeness".

And then Bellerina wanted yogurt.

But it was fun while it lasted.

Anti-Atikins Crusader $0

I'm sure that there would be pay for this job, but I would do it for free.

For the purpose of full disclosure I should tell you all that I am a certified carboholic and therefore my view on Atkins may be slightly askew.

What should I have fed Bellerina for dinner tonight?

Probably some of the lovely turkey lasagna that was lovingly prepared at our friend's home.

What did I actually feed her?

Garlic Bread.

Why?

1. Because I knew that she would like it.

2. I didn't want to deal with the "Please try this" fight at a friend's house.

3. I firmly believe that carbs alone are a full and nutritious meal.

Stay bready my friends.

Spanish Teacher $200

Yes this is a joke.

My Spanish is dismal at best.

But you know what?

My Spanish is better than Bellerina's!

So take THAT Rosetta Stone!

I've been trying to teach her the rudimentary set of vocabulary words that I know for every day objects because Spanish was the husbando's first language and we'd love for her to be bilingual.

The minor hitch in that plan of course being that the person who is most often home with her (moi) does not have a good grasp on the language. I pretty much add an "o" to the end of every word and hope I'm right.

This is a particular problem with the word 'home'.

Customs Employee $96

Call me crazy if you will, but this is my current stance at the customs check point that is what goes in to Bellerina's belly:

No french fries, especially not ones from McDonalds, shall pass the border of Pardoland.

I'm comfortable with the titles: "Hippy", "Uptight Hippy", "Uptight Hippy Freak" etc.

And before I get a bunch of "I said I'd never feed my kids fries from McDonalds but you will, trust me, some day you will.", I'm not judging.

I'm just saying, I don't eat that potato like product fried in lord knows what kind of ostrich fat, so neither is Bellerina. McDonalds is the devil. There, I said it. The devil.

Know what she did eat for lunch and loved that most people wouldn't let their kids touch? A goat cheese and avocado sandwich. That's right, gave my kid goat cheese at 16 months. The other spectrum of the food police can feel free to insert their personal opinion here:

Catholic Priest $57

Before anyone gets all up in arms, don't worry, I wasn't conducting a CCD class, or trying to explain the whole communion thing to Bellerina.

I simply succeeded today in making myself feel as guilty as possible for something completely banal and ridiculous.

I have been up since 5:45, not such a huge deal for most people, in fact I even know some lunatics (DI) who get up at that time voluntarily.

My goal of the day was to manage to squeeze in a workout (yay Insanity DVD) after Bellerina went to sleep.

But I just can't do it.

Like I think that I literally physically cannot do high knees for 2 minutes, much less 20.

I feel horrifically guilty about this.

What could I have done differently so that I had enough energy to workout right now?? Pretty much nothing short of taking a nap at my desk today and that just wasn't going to happen.

Does that make me feel less guilty?

No.

I've done a pretty good job at sermoning myself in to a giant guilty funk.

Voice Coach $600

Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday Auntie Meggy, Happy Birthday to You!

No matter how many times I sang that to Bellerina today she just would not repeat it for my cousin!

I tried, and tried, and tried to show her how to hit the notes, how to say the words, but alas, I think that I was being too ambitious with her first vocal coaching lesson.

Or perhaps it was a sign that I should never, ever sing around my daughter as my voice resembles a herd of cats.

Anger Management Instructor $168

Let me set a scene:

My mother in law, father in law, sister in law and her fiancee are over tonight.

I have gone to the grocery store every day for the past 4 days, but yesterday I made an appropriate list and got all my ingredients for a fantastic eggplant parm.

I slept about 5 hours last night.

The eggplant has been sliced and draining for 2 hours.

I am cranky when I don't sleep.

Oven preheated, eggplant floured and egged and in the oven. The same thing that I've done countless times before.

I must have dozed off and accidentally put cement on the eggplant instead of egg. As every slice of eggplant is now stuck to the cookie tray like a 13 year old to Justin Beiber.

Do I freak out? Do I scream my head off? Do I swear at the cookie sheet like a deranged lunatic while I bang it mercilessly against the countertop?

No, I scrape the cookie sheet contents directly in to the trash, sling my purse over my shoulder and go get the ingredients for paninis.

That is anger management.

It is probably the final appearance of anger management in my life for at least 6 months.

Nature Guide $96

Today we took my MIL and FIL to Borderland Park in Easton, and trekked the extremely well kept 3.25 mile trail around the water.

Surprisingly Bellerina even enjoyed it this time.

That would be because this round was spent in her brand new (to us) hiking carrier, instead of a stroller.

Last time I came here I thought it would be a good idea to push her in the carriage, I should have turned around 100 yards in to the trip when the wheels were buried 3/4 of the way up with gravel and I was leaving ruts the size of elephant tracks behind me. But oh no, I forged on.

Somewhere toward the end when I was sweating like a greased pig (weird saying since pigs can't sweat), and popping a wheelie every 7 seconds to get her over tree roots that reached up to my knees, I believe I let out a few choice words that ended with the phrase "I will never BLEEPing come to this BLEEPing place again with a BLEEPing baby"...at least that's what I remember saying, the actual words were drowned out by her screams.

So I have to give it to the husbando, the hiking carrier was a good purchase. As long as we use it once a week until she's the max of 40 pounds. Bellerina, get ready for snowshoeing.

Walmart Human Resources $80

Human resources would definitely be a bad profession for me to have, I'm relatively intolerant and have almost no patience with adults.

However, today I did pretty well at training my little Walmart greeter.

When someone walks in the door you say "Hi!", with a welcoming smile and clean teeth.

It did take Bellerina about 3 minutes to warm up to her greeting role when Mema and Neno got here, but they my little greeter went above and beyond her job description.

She walked around in a circle giving big hugs to everyone who just came in the door!

I'll consider it a training success.

Railroad Handcar Operator $0.25

You may read that title and think that you don't know what I'm talking about.

You do.

It's that little seesaw thingy that you see old pictures of on the railroads, with one person on either side of a level pumping like mad to get down the tracks.

That was me, at the playground today, bouncing Bellerina around like a lunatic on the seesaw. She sat back (decided it wasn't important for her to hold on) and enjoyed the ride while I looked like a total loon on the seesaw by myself. Ok, I had a partner in crime for a minute, but let's just say Teddy was not as enamored with the seesaw as Bellerina.

PS In case you were wondering, people race these bad boys: http://www.handcarracing.com/php/Master.php?pg=6

Art Teacher $235

Today I gave Bellerina her first art lesson.

It wasn't about color, or forms, or symmetry, or even coloring in the lines.

It was, of course, about the appropriate places to color.

From the kitchen I heard an odd sound... peeking around the corner to the living room I saw the inevitable... blue crayon being enthusiastically dragged across the hardwood floor.

I have been vowing to maintain calm in moments that are not potentially harmful, so I set up our lesson.

Pulled out the giant coloring book, put it down on the floor next to her new design, and said "Coloring on the paper, YES, coloring on the floor, NO, Paper, YES, Floor, NO!"

Oddly enough, I think that she got it.

Until tomorrow morning.

High School Guidance Counselor $219

This morning, while the husbando and I were getting ready to hit the BC Football game I gave a little out loud lecture to Bellerina on the finer points of choosing a school.

1. Make sure it has a football team (USC and BC qualify)

2. Maroon and Gold is good (Again, USC and BC)

3. National Championships are better (Sorry BC)

I'd be cool with her going to anywhere that makes her happy, as long as we get one thing clear, UCLA is not on the list.

NOT on the list.

And I guess a good academic program is important too.

Zombie $0

I'm assuming that Bellerina waking up at 4:30, crying until 5:15, sleeping for 15 minutes, then being up for the day at 5:30 was my punishment for Book Club.

Perhaps I shall rescind yesterday's job and teach her never to read for enjoyment...or drink on a Thursday night, which I guess is the bigger lesson.

I spent all day walking about like Night of the Living Dead...is that a movie? Someone told me once that is a movie. Am I really writing this or am I dreaming about writing it? I don't even remember how to spell my middle name today.

And could I fall asleep while she was taking her morning nap?

Of course not.

Time to go eat brains...then go to Ikea. (Hopefully there's a Christopher Moore fan out there)

Literacy Advocate $80

I tell Bellerina every day how important reading is.

But today I explained to her the value that reading has, not just as a tool to help you understand and maneuver in the world, or to escape it, but to give you the green light for drinking wine on a Thursday night.

That's right.

Today I explained the power of The Book Club.

Why do we read Bellerina?

To learn as much as we can, and enjoy stories, and expand our imaginations.

Why else do we read Bellerina?

To talk to our girlfriends about what character is probably the best looking, drink wine, and say the things about books that we wanted to say in college, but didn't for decorum's sake.

Aerobics Instructor $104

I've decided that I need to get started on my working out at home. Kick it into a slightly higher gear instead of my usual 3-4 days a week of lifting/situps/jumping jacks in the living room.

So I'm tacking on 2-3 days a week of the Insanity DVDs... basically P90X with another name.

Today I tried to get my first half hour workout in during Bellerina's morning play time.

I narrated for her what I was doing, and counted it out as a learning exercise. Plus, it's a way better workout if you actually count aloud.

I bet it would have worked if she didn't seem to think that I need to workout more.

While I was doing jump squats she kept getting in the way at the last second to force a speed move out of me.

And during pushups she tried to sit on my back. Every time.

Should I be concerned?

Anatomy Professor $300

I may have gotten overly ambitious.

Bellerina knows a lot of her body parts, so I figured why not add one more?

I seem to have tripped the switch, her brain is now on overload.

She used to know where her belly was.

Now she lifts up her shirt, rubs her belly and yells "Bum Bum Bum!".

Why?

Because Mama thought it would be clever and funny if Bellerina shook her booty and said "Bum, bum, bum!".

What we have here is a backfire.

Mover $151

I moved my youngest cousin in to college today.

I am officially 110 years old.

My aunt and I took my cousin to her first day of college, it was so exciting thinking back to my first day, and all the anticipation combined with out right fear.

But it was also bittersweetly enlightening to watch my aunt as her youngest child said "I'm all set, you guys can go if you want to".

We managed to get out of there with no tears but when we got to my house my aunt dove in to giving Bellerina a bath and very calmly said "This was her yesterday, you have no idea how fast it goes".

Everyone says that to you all the time after you have a baby, but once in a while it really strikes you how important it is to heed their advice and enjoy every second.

Watching my aunt go from leaving her youngest in a dorm room to giving Bellerina a bath was one of those moments when it really sunk in.

Meteorologist $338

Ok, so technically Hurricane Earl was a major fizzle and bust.

However, it did present prime opportunity for me to do some "how weather works" explaining to Bellerina.

The winds were decent, and there was precipitation at about 3 in the afternoon.

So of course Bellerina was banging on the door to the backyard yelling "Out, out".

I picked her up and we gazed out the window while I patiently explained to her that it was raining, which meant she would get wet if she went outside, and there were winds, and something called a "Category 1 Hurricane" was on its way to our humble sector of the country.

To a 15 month old that roughly translates as "Blah, blah, blah, wet", which is of course on the top 10 favorite things list for that age.

All I did was increase her desire to go outside, kind of like those idiots who walk out on the jetty's and piers when a storm is coming.

Firestone Tire Employee $96

Technically I wasn't blowing up tires.

It was a kiddy pool.

BUT I was using an air compressor that plugs in to a car cigarette lighter and is intended for tires.

Therefore, it counts.

My husbando told me that the air compressor was easy to use.

I have a newfound respect for people who do this for a living. I was afraid of it blowing up in my face and it's just a child's pool, I can only imagine the fear when it's a tire for an 18 wheeler.

Perhaps it is an easy contraption to use, when it's not 310 degrees outside, with a baby clinging to your leg afraid of the sound the compressor makes, and the little attachment thingy (I'm sure there's a technical term) actually stays in place instead of shooting out of the air hole every 17 seconds.

After 15 minutes of sweating bullets trying to inflate her kiddy pool I totally trudged back in to the house, baby on one hip, pool in hand, and finished it with a manual pump that is meant for my exercise ball, where ever that may be.

And let me just say as an aside, all those minions of Satan that you read about in the Bible who were raining fire and brimstone on Sodom and Gomorrah, they all work at the kiddy pool factories now, making them as difficult as possible.

Broadway chorus performer $300

After Wicked I'm assuming that they will make a musical out of Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister, Gregory Maguire's much underrated ode to Cinderella.

When they do I will be waiting in the wings to take my place as a prominent member of the chorus.

I can't sing? Well no, I suppose I can't, but I already have a loyal following in one Bellerina.

I have a fully choreographer performance of "The Work Song" from Disney's Cinderella that has gotten rave reviews (5 Yay's) and countless standing ovations.

It includes the very difficult spinning around in circles and then pretending to be dizzy, including mock eye roll.

Forget the chorus, I'm thinking I should just choreograph this bad boy.

Mr. Maguire, I'd appreciate a shout out when you get this next piece rolling, we are both from MA after all.