Manicurist $80

The goal of most spas is to relax you.

I have been known to shut my eyes and zone out during a pedicure or two.

However, only Mommy spas put you to sleep BEFORE your beauty treatment.

After Bellerina was pleasantly lulled in to her 10am nap I did my best manicure impression and cut those vicious daggers of death that masquerade as baby nails.

During a nap is the only time that I can successfully do this without risking cutting the whole top of her finger off, as I do not want to declaw her, I've given up completely on awake nail trimming.

Her toenails are virtually impossible to cut, even when she is sleeping. Well, not all of them, but does anyone else have a baby with a pinky-toe nail that is the size of a grain of sand??

Today I stuck to manicure only, my skin should be safe for another 4-5 days from her sharpened claws.

Structural Engineer $192

Admittedly you don't often need a structural engineer at the beach.

But today was different.

Have you ever had one of those Sun Domes for a "convenient" shady spot at the beach?

Bellerina loved it once it was up, and she slept there for a solid hour (virtually unheard of in her world of not napping), but it is a beast to get up and probably more difficult to fold.

It pops open, which is super great, but then it promptly folds in on itself at the slightest sign of a breeze, like when the lady on the blanket next to you sneezes, and it blows away if there is anything less then a child in it. Sometimes with a child rolling along inside it like a fair ride.

It only took me three times and 11 curse words to get it back in the bag, which was a record.

I am the smartest woman alive.

Menu Planner $120

I always thought that professional menu planners had a relatively easy job, you take the whims of a chef at a fancy restaurant and you organize them in to a beautiful and pleasing menu.

The problem I suppose arrises when you're both chef and menu planner, then you have to decide what to make AND what order to put it in that will please your customers.

Bellerina is my only customer right now, but trying to plan ahead for 3 days with a variety of healthy and pleasing options can seem like rocket science.

Saturday night was her first overnight with Grampy, and then Sunday, Monday and Tuesday down the Cape. So Saturday afternoon I was baking broccoli cheddar cakes (totally yummy for little ones and adults alike!), putting together enough fresh fruit (pears, bananas etc) and making sure I packed adequate amounts of whole milk and peanut butter.

I think I had success, Grampy didn't get anything spit back out at him, and she managed to eat all her fruits and veggies down the Cape!

Chauffeur $80

Today I was a chauffeur, but not in the way that I will be in 10 years when I will be carting my daughter between ballet practice and violin lessons (yes, this is my blog dreamworld, I know it will really be more like the mall and Susie's house).

Today I was a chauffeur more akin to the guy who drives the mayor around in a convertible at a small town's 4th of July parade.

From the moment Bellerina's butt touched the carriage at Roche Bros. she was campaigning for her second term as its mayor.

Our entire ride around the grocery store was a chorus of "Hiiiiiii!", "Hiiiiii!" to every person we passed along with a big double-handed Miss.America wave. Hand cupped, turn in, turn out.

Unreal.

Of course, she may have ruined her image because she clutched an avocado the whole time. Security blanket.

Pack Mule $0

This is at the very top of the list of jobs a mother does every day!

Honestly, sometimes I think that I should enter one of those strongman competitions and see how far I can pull those sleighs with 1,500lbs on them. Because judging by what I juggle in a day I would have to at least make a respectable showing. Actually, I bet that's how the female strongman competitors train, they probably just invite a few of their toddler's friends over and spend the day carting them and their stuff around.

Today wasn't as bad as some days, but the heat made all the difference.

My typical load of Bellerina, diaper bag, Trader Joe's bag stuffed to the brim, toy monkey, and cellphone being juggled while trying to open the door seemed to weigh a lot more at 90 degrees.

Of course, now Bellerina has also discovered the knocker on our front door and furiously tries to bang it (while I cringe knowing that her fingers are going to get caught at least once) while I am trying to keep her still enough to unlock the door, while loaded down like a pack mule.

HVAC Tech $120

My favorite feeling in the world is when you step out of the shower in the summer and start sweating again immediately.

There is absolutely no sarcasm in that statement, I love the heat.

The oppressive heat that is so full of moisture you can swim through the humidity.

It is far and away my favorite climate.

However, something in my "Mom DNA" told me today that it is probably bad for babies to be that excessively hot. Even if you do have a sippy cup attached to them at all times, it's a bad thing if your kids aren't old enough to tell you "Lady, too hot, cool 'er down".

So today I ran a quick check on our AC system to make sure everything was in working order. All systems go, though a new filter probably wouldn't hurt.

And tomorrow, when I would be in seventh heaven (90 with blissfully high humidity), I will give in and crank on that AC to lower us down to 80, so that Bellerina can freely frolic in her onesie.

Professional ATV Rider $96

Borderland State Park in Easton is a fantastic spot to walk with the kiddos if you're looking for a nice, long, beautiful loop with plenty of shade.

It is not a good spot if you are not prepared to put some muscle in to it and make your carriage an ATV for the day.

At some point we were sunken in about 2 inches in gravel-madness, and I was popping wheelies to get over stones the size of my head and tree roots that would put a python to shame.

Fortunately having to navigate that kind of terrain increases the workout quotient of walk by about 200%. I think that I got more of an ARM workout steering and my legs got to take it easy!

Bellerina fell asleep 20 minutes in to an hour long walk and she was bounced and generally thrown around for the last 40 minutes without even the slightest sign of being bothered by it. I'm thinking that we shall invest in a bed for her that you put quarters in and it shakes. Perhaps I can ask some super classy motel where they buy theirs.

Dermatologist $769

Beach day #2 was far sunnier then beach day #1.

So I spent the whole day chasing after Bellerina and slathering her with enough sunscreen to protect a small village.

About every 40 minutes I would give her a full body skin check to make sure that there were no reddening spots and then just to be safe I'd thrown another layer of 50 on her.

She found this really annoying.

Mostly because it interrupted her while she was playing in the giant magical sandbox of beach.

I assume a contributing factor to her annoyance was that she doesn't like to be moved, and I was moving her arms and legs every which way to make sure I got in every crack and crevice around the elbow/knee regions.

She escaped without a burn, and I have a weird tan line around my wrists that I assume is from having 8 on my body and 50 on my hands!

Lifeguard $96

Bellerina's first beach trip while mobile (I took her at 2 months, which I don't think really counts) was a total success!

I was prepared for a little bit of trepidation when I put her feet in the water for the first time, but instead it was pure no-fear glee!

She started giggling as soon as her feet touched the water and kept trying to bend down to touch it. So I sat her on the edge of the water and she would have stayed there all day, even though it was absolutely frigid.

Every time a large wave came up I would watch her face to make sure that she didn't:

A. Stick it right in the water

B. Start crying

C. Fall over backward

She laughed and splashed every time! Good thing she's a beach baby because she was getting dragged there no matter what!

Professional Cheerleader $2

It is NEVER too early to instill sports loyalty in your child.

Is it a cult? Maybe.

Does that stop me? No.

Game 7 of the NBA Finals is tonight and Bellerina is decked out in her Celtics t-shirt, and me in my hat, we're all settled in for a long summer's viewing.

Ok, so she's in bed right now and doesn't get to appreciate the intense passion of a full game, but she will.

I intend to have an 18 month old child who throws both of her hands up as soon as she hears the word "Touchdown", and there is no reason that she shouldn't be indoctrinated in to the Boston sports world now.

Eventually she will have to listen to her grandfather rant and swear at the television so I want her to at least understand why he's freaking out. She will understand offsides in football, why you intentionally walk a batter in the baseball and the value of "and one".

She will even listen to me screaming at a USC football game, though admittedly not for the next 2 years with any seriousness. Side bar: That is a way too intense penalty.

Today I cheered our Celtics on, and I am teaching Bellerina to do the same!

Accessories Designer $201

What do I do when I actually have a night free from watching the Celtics see how high they can make Boston's blood pressure rise?

I stay up late making 4th of July hair accessories for Bellerina of course!

It all started with some huge firework-esque clips:

And I also branched in to red, white and blue baseball themed little girls hair clips. Because the first thing I did when I bought her first Red Sox shirt was search high and low for a little clippy to match so that people wouldn't ask me how old my son was. I didn't find anything cute and so I've created my own! Let me know what you think!

Ticket Broker $111

So, my father had 4 tickets for Saturday and Sunday of the US Open this year.

That would have been really great if we lived in California, which we do not.

So he enlisted my help and I began the frantic mix of E-bay auction and Craigslist posting to every city within a 90 mile radius of Pebble Beach to unload them.

Bellerina would give me about 3 minutes at a time to check the auction and my no longer typically in use maiden name email address (because honestly, who links their every day email to craigslist?) before she started climbing up my leg to get my attention.

Then I would pick her up and she would immediately try to wiggle out of my arms and attack the evil keyboard that had stolen her mother's attention. Fearing for my beloved Mac's life I had to move her to a separate room.

Essentially what should have taken a half hour was an all day affair in 3 minute increments.

Mission accomplished, but not very efficiently!

Aquarium Guide $120

If you have never been to the Woods Hole Aquarium I highly recommend it!

It is small, but it's also free (though donations are much appreciated), it has a "touch tank" for little hands to dig in to and get grimy, and every employee really know what he or she is talking about which is a nice change of pace from some of the larger aquariums.

Plus there is plenty of other stuff to do in Woods Hole for the day, watch the boats at the harbor, play on the enormous playground next to the church, get a delicious lunch, watch the tourists scramble to try and make their Vineyard ferry on time, tripping over their luggage and yelling at their kids. Ok, enough of my Woods Hole commercial, back to my point (is there one?).

We took Bellerina to see the seals outside the aquarium, and I spent my time standing next to her saying "Look look, there is a seal! Look at the seal swim! He's in a huuuuuge bathy-bath! Wow another seal!", generally acting the fool and explaining this large marine animal to her.

What did Bellerina do?

Pointed at every car that went by and said "cah", and wanted to know every other child's name for a 20 foot radius (there were a lot).

Did she look at the seal? I don't think so. But some day I will tell her that when she was 1 we took her to see some seals. And she irritated Mommy by ignoring them.

Hostage Negotiator $211

Negotiator: "I will trade you this fake phone that makes a plethora of fun noises for my cell phone"

Bellerina: "AAAHHHH!!!" (Really means: don't you even think about taking away this cancer causing device!)

Negotiator: "Ok, ok, how about the fake phone and a monkey blankie?"

Bellerina: "AAARRRGGGGHHH!!!" (Really means: You're not fooling ANYONE I know what you're trying to do here you sneaky...)

Negotiator: "Fake phone, monkey blankie and a rousing rendition of Hello Dolly"

Bellerina: "EEEEKKK!!" (Really means: I love this song but you're going to have to rip this phone out of my hands)

Negotiator: "Fine."

I tried my best, but in the end sometimes you just have to grab your phone from their cute little clutches and let them ride out the wave of anger until they are inevitably distracted by something that sings, lights up and drives mommy crazy!

Hazardous Materials Clean-up $150

I will spare you the gory details readers, but let's just say that I haven't had to change Bellerina's outfit because of a "poop episode" in about 4 months. She went through 3 outfits today.

I should have known that we were doomed to this fate when she decided to poop on the way to see my friend's new house for the first time, way to make an entrance Bellerina. "I totally love how your downstairs came out! It's gorgeous! Can I change my gross baby down here?". Awesome.

So now I get to spend the next few days monitoring the situation and trying to decide if it's:

A. Reaction to whole milk

B. Reaction to strawberries

C. UTI

I really hope that it's not C, because she wouldn't eat tonight and it was pasta with sauce which she looooves (I guess she just doesn't know it sometimes), and I can't even imagine trying to get her to take antibiotics.

So, I am off to do round 2 of "rinse and soak" on her clothes, the changing pad, and my jeans. Yep. My jeans.

Allergist $673

Bellerina loves her some strawberries, and fortunately she did not stop breathing while eating them!

Strawberries are one of those foods you hear horror stories about from everyone who feels like giving their opinion on your child's foray in to solid food.

Of course I never ask for these opinions, and I especially don't want to hear horror stories about children who try a new food and stop breathing, but it's like when you're pregnant and your great aunt Nancy feels the need to tell you she was in labor for 75 hours, in a car, in a snowstorm.

Today I was an allergist, feeding miniscule pieces of strawberry to Bellerina while monitoring her breathing patterns, blinks per minute, nail growth and general skin condition. I was doing all this monitoring while she was getting really ticked off, yelling "That! That!" and pointing at the plate of strawberries while I waited 2 minutes between bites to be sure we didn't enter the ER danger zone.

We survived.

Her less scathed then me.

Bonus: Allergists make bank!

Roller Coaster Designer $230

I'm trying to design my own roller coaster today instead of just being along for the ride.

For the last week I've been weaning Bellerina and we're just about done which means that my hormone levels are fluctuating so much I'm finding it virtually impossible to maintain one mood for more than 17 seconds.

It is akin to 2 days after giving birth, the day that you crash. It's inevitable, yet at the same time a strange mix of horrifying, embarrassing and a profound relief to just break down.

My post-birth breakdown took the form of a 30 minute crying extravaganza, complete with hyperventilation because there was bacon in my soup. That's right, bacon in my soup.

So today I'm trying to build my own roller coaster, and give it way more ups then downs. It's a struggle, a nearly impossible feat of freakish electrical and mechanical engineering but I'm fighting the good fight to try and not be a complete beast at the drop of a hat! Wish me luck, I'm going to try to keep that little car climbing up the tracks!

Safety Specialist $203

I know Britax is the best, but I was hoping to save my black market kidney sale for when Bellerina is headed off to college.

So, I spent the morning Saturday researching car seats that are at a more reasonable price point.

Car seats bring out hilarious and wide-ranging reactions in people. On one end of the spectrum is the "You HAVE to buy a Britax because it's safest, then you HAVE to take it to the fire department so that they can install it, then you HAVE to get it checked out every time you adjust the straps to make sure it's still in correctly". On the other end of the spectrum you have "I rode on the back window of my father's car and I'm fine, I don't even see why you need a car seat, she's already 1".

Why are only the nutters with the most extreme positions vocal (obviously this does not only apply to car seat discussions)??

When I ask my normal friends about car seats I typically hear "I don't know, I bought some Graco something, works out fine!"... which is what I did. So if you're looking for a toddler car seat, don't ask my opinion, even though I just did all that research I've already forgot the name of the Graco model we ended up with.

Chemist $173

The transition from breast milk to cow's milk requires a bit of chemistry.

What cow's milk to breast milk ratio will she tolerate to start with? When can I change it?

So far we're on a 1/3 cow milk split and a few sips in to her bottles she looks at me like "Listen lady, I just want you to know that you're not fooling me, I'm going to drink this because I'm hungry but I'm on to you."

I'm going to wait another day to up it to 50/50.

Ideally, if I take it slooooow I won't get milk spit back in my face!

Circus Clown $134

Why do allergy appointments take an hour and 45 minutes?? WHY?

Today Bellerina went in for her dairy allergy test.

For one hour and 45 minutes I had to entertain her in a room the size of a jail cell, with less decoration.

I went through my bag of tricks, doll, plastic eggs, sippy cup, Cheerios, watching cars go by the window, in about 20 minutes.

After that I had to get creative.

So I basically preformed a clown act for the last hour and 25 minutes of our visit.

I sang songs, danced a few jigs, juggled plastic eggs, threw her around like a rubber chicken, made funny faces, everything short of squirting her in the face with a water filled flower!

I am worn out; how do people do this every day?? I'm beginning to think that they should be paying Gramma at The Big Apple Circus $250,000 a year, no wonder she's got gray hair, this job will age you FAST!

On a side note: They say that Bellerina is not allergic to dairy...probably. She's got a 30% chance that they got it wrong, the only way to know for sure is to do a blood test.

If you read Tuesday's entry you can probably anticipate what my response was.

Nutritionist $215

I went on a special Bellerina grocery shopping trip today because according to her doctor yesterday, she's too thin.

If you have seen my daughter, you can help assure me that she is not. I know this because she has cinnamon buns for knees, and some serious thighs. However, in the world of "we must measure and rate everything" she is in the 57th percentile for height but only the 19th percentile for weight.

In one month we have a weight check, so until they I have basically been to told to fatten her up.

So instead of going out to buy fries and muffins for my little calf, I got some avocados, bananas and I'll be making plenty of homemade pasta sauce.

She is happy and has a good appetite so I'm not sure what the big deal is over a number, but alas, I can't help but react with a touch of worry when the doctor tells me she needs a weight check!

I do feel bad for the first person who tells me that I should feed her ice cream, or cake, or a cheeseburger soaked in lard, to fatten her up, because they might get an ear-full!

EMT $146

Bellerina is a trooper when it comes to getting shots at the doctors office. She looks at me with a slightly concerned frown and then immediately gets over it as soon as I pick her up.
Turns out, the same cannot be said for getting her finger pricked and blood drawn.
It went something like this at her 1 year check-up:
Nurse: "It might take a while for this vial to fill up, some kids are slow bleeders."
3.5 seconds later
"Wow, ok, she's a good bleeder, all full, lets get a bandaid on that"
This is where things go horribly wrong. Bellerina was not upset about having her life force extracted from her body, but she WAS upset that we were trying to hold her finger still and put a bandaid on it. Massive freakout ensued.
When we were only at a level 8 instead of a 10 the nurse left the room to get stuff ready for her shots.
At precisely that moment Bellerina decided to rip the bandaid off her finger.
So I ask you to picture me, holding gauze pads on her finger, while bouncing her around the room on my hip, singing "Skinamerinkydink" (or whatever it's called) in an attempt to stop the screaming, alternating gauze every 7 seconds, while she continued to spew blood in an arc all over my clothes, flip-flops, the floor and her white outfit. Yes I dressed her in white.
Eventually the nurse returned and bandaid number 2 stayed put.
Needless to say, I had a Corona with dinner tonight.