Cruise Itinerary Planner $161

The husbando and I are fortunate enough to have some really rocking relatives.

My wonderful aunt agreed to host Bellerina at her house for 2 nights so that we could get away for NYE. Awesomeness.

As I did the super fast rundown of Bellerina's typical schedule I was rattling off random times and milk amounts, and average menu items, all the while pleasantly happy knowing that I could give this information and then my aunt could do whatever she wanted with it?

Want to let her eat all day at the buffet? That's cool!

Prefer to explore the outdoors when we dock? That's cool too!

It's really great to be able to just give a totally vague, really general outline of what's available, and know that everyone's going to have a great time!

Circus Worker $58

I don't know why these guys don't get paid more, setting up a tent is a lot harder then it looks.

Of course, mine was way smaller then the big top, but Bellerina was sandwiching herself in the middle of it screaming with joy, "TENT!! TENT!!" and standing up, thereby throwing the poles that I had managed to finagle in to spot totally out of place.

And of course, when you put up the tent for the circus you get the satisfaction of watching hundreds of people being entertained by your work.

In my case she lost interest the second that her tent was fully assembled.

No big shock there.

Getaway Car Driver $750

Topping the list of bad ideas for sales clerks:

Letting a 19 month old try on your sparkly ring while she's waiting in the jewelry store, then asking for it back.

Apparently this woman doesn't realize that children don't really understand sharing.

"Why would you let me try on this gorgeous sparkly piece of goodness then take it off me?" only gets expressed as "AAAAHHHHHH!!!!" complete with crocodile tears.

So I had to make an escape from the jeweler today with a screaming a baby and a quick wave to the woman who made the 10 minute drive back to my house a personal hell filled with cries of "Try-on-a-ring!".

Toys R Us Stock person $107

Bellerina is a very lucky little girl!

Our house is currently running amok with kitchen utensils, fake food and toys all lovingly contributed to our house by friends and family showering her with presents!

It has officially become time to go through the things that she's too old for and pack them away in Grampy's basement to make room for fun new imagination building toys!

I'm not prepared to have a baby who is old enough to have "outgrown" simpler toys.

Can't she still lay under that mat and bat at a stuffed giraffe for hours??

No, no, now she likes to cook me hummus!

Vacation week $0

Enjoying the holidays! Be back on the 28th!

Ranch Hand $80

Corralling a baby at a friend's house who does not have toddlers should be considered an Olympic sport.

Every time you turn around they are trying desperately to sneak somewhere else they are not allowed.

Desk covered in snow globes? Stop number one.

Valuable heirloom ornament? Stop numbers two and seven.

What's that mom? You created a pen out of that foot stool and chair? You thought that could hold me back?

It's like they see a Christmas tree and kid's gain super human abilities, vaulting mommy in a single bound.

Movie Theater Counter person $64

Today was a lazy day...well, for Bellerina!

I had to get food ready, caramel popcorn for two holiday parties and Gingerbread caramels for Christmas gifts.

Since the caramels have to be carefully cooked and then set out with minimal movement I had to bust out Cinderella for transfer time, because good caramels cannot be made with a baby clinging to any part of you.

So Bellerina got all excited when I put the movie in, and then looked at me like I was insane when I shut it off 10 minutes later.

Apparently I am an inefficient movie theater employee, no one told me that you have to let the movie run all the way through!

Iron Chef $500

The secret ingredient is:

PEAR!

Go!

You have 3.5 minutes to create some kind of dish for lunch that involves PEAR!

Oh, and we've attached a crying child to you.

Oh, and you can't really turn on the stove because she's trying to wedge herself in between your legs and the stove.

Oh, and you have to speed peel the pear because if she comes in to contact with the skin she gags voraciously.

Oh, and if you'd like to feed yourself sometime in the next 2 hours you may just want to get it over with now too.

Martha Stewart Living Entertaining Editor $596

I love entertaining and cooking, and I want nothing more then to get paid for doing it, so basically this would be my real life dream job.

Even if it meant working for a convicted felon.

I admire and appreciate her insanely obsessive nature, and it would be a pleasure to work under such well organized tyranny (assuming that you are omnipotent Martha, I mean that as a compliment).

Today I had the pleasure of hosting a group of former colleagues who long ago surpassed that title and just became awesome friends!

I managed to cook, and do some pretty nifty holiday decorating with Bellerina literally attached to my leg. Each wine glass has a jingle bell and the person's first initial attached to it so everyone knows which glass is theirs. And yes, I did have to put The Incredibles on for a half hour to get this done.

Fisherman $77

Today's bath went much like I picture it is to real in a big tuna.

They splash around wildly, soaking you from head to toe as they churn and twist viciously trying to escape as you extract them from the water.

They are cold, and slippery, and it seems that the closer they get to dry, the more agitated they are until they give one final burst of wailing, with their head turned all the way around, one last valiant attempt to bite your hand off, and they give up.

Of course, the fish doesn't then sit and pout while she gets covered in lotion and put in her pajamas.

But you know, pretty much the same thing.

Hershey's recipe developer $168

If I were a Hershey's recipe developer I believe my cube brainstorm would have gone something like this:

Everyone loves chocolate cake.

Everyone loves Hershey's homemade frosting recipe (on the back of the cocoa can)

Everyone loves Reese's cups.

*Pause*

THAT'S IT!

It was glorious. And yes, there was a layer of Reese's cups in the middle too.

Electrician $216

Every morning when I turn on the dining room light for Bellerina and I to have breakfast there is a super irritating and unrelenting high pitched buzz.

It just doesn't stop.

I turn the dimmer a little this way, a little that way, turn it off then on again and nothing I tell you nothing. The buzzing continues on like my own personal irritating gnat to buzz around my head every morning.

Today though I finally figured it out and fixed the problem!

We ate breakfast in the dark.

Prison Warden $211

I had Bellerina trapped in the house today.

Not because she was bad, not because it was raining, but because it was freaking freezing out.

Try explaining to an 18 month old that if she steps outside her boogies will literally freeze inside of her nose for weeks and her tears will turn the consistency of freshly fallen snow.

When she looks outside and it's dark she understand that it's not time to play, when it's raining she totally gets that it's indoor time, but when there isn't a cloud in the clear blue sky and the backyard looks bright and inviting she just tries to sneak out every chance she gets.

Or she does something even more pathetic, she presses her nose against the glass that looks out in to our miniscule backyard and stares longingly at the hammock.

If it were socially acceptable, I would do the same thing.

How am I going to do this until March? I think it's time for a heavy duty snow suit.

Eye, Ear, Nose and Throat Doctor $431

If you keep screaming like that Bellerina you will most certainly lose your voice.

Yes, that scream.

The one where you stretch your vocal chords in to another dimension and push sound through them with all your might.

Yes, the one that makes mommy's ears bleed.

When you lose your voice I won't even feel bad for you.

I will in fact be relieved.

I'm just warning you.

So that you know I have some kind of idea what I'm talking about.

Sometimes.

Excuse me while I go get some cotton balls to stuff in my ears.

Siamese Twin in the Circus $100

Someone has to be in the freakshow.

I'm pretty sure that I could have auditioned this morning at Barnum and Baileys and no one would have been the wiser.

Every morning Bellerina and I lay down in the guest bed while she drinks her milk. She likes it because it's cuddle time, I like it because with any luck I manage to doze off for 10 minutes before she wakes me up by smacking me in the face with her empty sippy cup and yelling "Fank You".

This morning she was especially "cuddly".

By "cuddly" I mean that she attached the side of her face to my cheek and wouldn't move.

I would imagine this is what a ship feels like, covered in barnacles.

Even as I tried to get up to shower and pass her off to the husbando she would not remove her cheek from mine, screaming up a storm of "maaaamaaaa".

Ah, nothing like early morning attachment to start the day off right.

Lounge Singer $200

Cheesy lounge singers rule.

Today I was a cheesy lounge singer...in the shower.

I had a very irate Bellerina in her Excersaucer, which she is about 10 pounds too heavy for.

It was 11:50, Dan was still out waiting to get his hair cut, and we had to leave the house at 12:45 for my cousin's wedding.

I wrestled Bellerina in to the miniature contraption while silently cursing all the guys who were getting their damn hair cut.

Then I had to shower in about 6 minutes, singing Christmas carols the whole time, in my cheesiest-loungiest voice to keep her from tipping the Excersaucer over, which would have taken about 3 seconds of angry rocking.

For the record, I looked awesome even though I only had a "rinse off".

Crafter $66

True story on the daily wage.

I went to a craft fair tonight, set up my booth, laid out my wares, and it was an absolutely dismal turnout.

On the upside a lot of people told me how much they liked my aprons and little girl's Christmas bows.

On the downside, very few people actually bought them.

Bah-Humbug.

Better get these bad boys up on Etsy!

Behavioral Therapist $246

Sometimes it is not easy to keep a level head and figure out what precisely is causing your child to scream like a caged animal that is about to be slaughtered.

For example, when you're standing in line at Macy's trying to return boots that don't fit because they make the calves of boots for children or anorexic New Yorkers.

Then, you just try to jiggle the carriage a little and sing a horridly off key song, and make jokes to fellow customers while you just pray you will get out of the store before the perfume lady gives you another freaking look.

Because what you really want is for your child to be screaming out of the blue for no apparent reason when you just want to return some boots!

FYI, when I calmed down and put my behavioral therapist hat on I realized I made a fatal mistake, the mistake of using a tool that has certain expectations associated with it for another function.

I put her in her carriage, which means extended (minimum 1 mile) walk, not a brief jaunt from the parking lot to the shoe department where you stop and wait in line.

Not making that mistake again! Next time she gets the sling.

Marathoner $576

I'm very excited that Bellerina wants to "ruuuun, ruuuun" everywhere now.

What I'm not super excited about is how much running that inevitably puts on me.

I hate to run.

It's probably the only workout that I do not enjoy.

Today it felt like I ran 10 miles in my house, in an hour, with slippers on, trying to work on some crafts for a fair I'm doing Friday.

Every time I thought I had her corralled with a bucket o' blocks it turned rapidly in to "ruuuun, ruuuun".

I swear children can smell when you have something you want to get done and they choose that day to run amok.

Amok, amok, amok. (SJP)